Friday, November 29, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Kitty Wilde

Full time diva.

The third season finale of Glee was a sad one, indeed. The show was barely on solid ground and it was about to go through a major rehaul that could make or break it. Half the New Directions graduated and departed for parts unknown. Finn forced Rachel to leave him behind and follow her dreams to New York while he enlisted in the army; she obliged because she knew it was time. At the time, nobody knew quite what it meant. Who was staying with the show? How would we keep up with characters who were dispersed across the country? But for me, the most important question was, will we keep Quinn Fabray?

The answer was, essentially, no. Dianna Agron reprised her devious role a meager three times in the fourth season and, in the midst of rumors that her frequent challenging of the show's creative direction got her ousted by head honcho Ryan Murphy, she hasn't been seen since. Unacceptable. BUT, thankfully the creative team behind Glee has realized they can't go far without a blonde, bitchy cheerleader in their ring.

Enter Kitty Wilde. Upon her debut in the season four premiere, Kitty is described a young Quinn Fabray, "except she's not pregnant, manic depressive, or in and out of a wheelchair." And indeed, she's a lot like Quinn. Dare I say, she's better? She's a thousand times meaner and can sing a hell of a lot more than Q.

At first, Kitty's friends with the glee kids, who are finally popular after winning nationals. But when they realize what a fabulous bitch she is, the pussies peace out. Whatever. Kitty don't care. She's got hottie Jake Puckerman on her arms. Until he leaves her for that cunt Marley for the same reasons her friends ditched her.

Kitty doesn't take this kind of bullshit sitting down and does what any bitch would. Step 1: repeatedly alter Marley's costumes for the school musical so that she'll think she's gaining weight. Step 2: suggest an eating disorder as a cure. And so continues the bulimia-induced love triangle that, unfortunately, Kitty doesn't win. But kudos to her for scoring glee alum Puck.

Eventually, the writers decided that Kitty shouldn't be a total raging bitch, so they softened her up a bit, paired her with Artie the paraplegic, and made her a supportive friend. I didn't like any of these changes, but I'm grateful that Kitty still retains her quick wit and bitchy quip. Here are some of my favorites:
  • "My iced latte is too cold."
  • "We could handle gimpy and the tarantula head and Richie Poor because you guys were national champs like us, but our invitation was not extended to pre-op Precious based on the novel Barf by Sapphire, and Mike and Molly's daughter, as part of our crew."
  • "The Left Behind Club accepts everyone, even losers and lezzies."
  • "See, [Jesus has] got an awesome dad named God who's throwing him a bitchin' party called Armageddon, where he's gonna get to kick off his sandals, dance a little bit, and judge the crap out of everybody."
  • "To quote Shakespeare, 'There's no small parts, only fat actresses.'"
  • "Now excuse me because just thinking about me and you dating makes me dryer than the cast of Hot in Cleveland."

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