Monday, November 25, 2013

Tommy Picks the Top 5 Disney Princesses

Disney's Frozen will hit theaters this holiday weekend, and its two protagonists, Anna and Elsa, will then be inducted into the over-exploited-yet-somehow-still-prestigious Disney Princess line. These bitches are gonna bring the total to 13 motherfucking princesses. Yeah, and in case you're wondering, Merida is in the fucking line-up.

Let's be honest. That shit is begging to be ranked. So, without further ado, here are Tommy Time's picks for the top 5 Disney Princesses.

5.  Cinderella

Even though people like to argue that personality didn't exist in a Disney princess pre-1989, Cinderella was being sassy as fuck way back in the 50s. Girlfriend did her chores, but always with a biting sass and defiance that just lit up the room. Not to mention she was always looking out for the underdog and talked smack behind everybody's back. Well done, C!

4. Ariel

Flippin' your fins might not get you that far, but it sure makes for a bitchin' good time! As fickle and gullible as she may be, she knows how to have a good time, seahorsin' around and shit. She's always dta (down to adventure) and she still manages to be somewhat fun in the sequel, even though she has Melody as a cunt of a daughter.

3. Tiana

Fuck southern hospitality! With Tiana, you'll get a cup of truth tea so hot it'll burn the roof of your mouth. Coming in at number 3 is the frog princess herself. Even though I totally objected to her amphibian form, Tiana is like the Belle 2.0, because she discovers the value of inner beauty and all that shit, but she neither willingly sell her freedom for men nor engages in bestiality.

2. Jasmine

While I struggle to relate to Jasmine's desire to be poor, I can definitely get on board with her sass. She walks around with her fucking pet tiger, totally owning her body like #whowantsit, but doesn't let men treat her like a prize to be won! On top of all that, she has a flying carpet and a genie at her disposal, so she can pretty much just do whatever the fuck she wants.

1. Aurora

Every modern-day feminist claims that Aurora is too passive, but let's be fucking real for a second. Aurora is the alpha bitch in terms of Disney characters. She's blonde, beautiful, and royal as fuck. But she also lived the first 16 years of her life in seclusion and poverty, meaning she's also humble. And can we just acknowledge that she nabbed the hottest prince and gets to spend all her time sleeping? Don't hate her cuz you ain't her, biiiitch.

And there you have it: the only ranking that matters. Here's hoping that Anna and Elsa give these girls a run for their money!


Taylor said...

What no Belle or Pocahontas? They are plenty sassy!

Taylor said...

I think you should do the worse Disney Princesses next just because this was so great!

Madeleine Wills said...

I agree - I'd be totally down for worst disney princesses!!!

Claire Knowles said...

Hey T - this was one of my favorite of your recent articles (though I really need to catch up on my reading of this as well as American pop culture in general)! I agree with your ratings and appreciate Belle's exclusion from this list as well as Meridia's. Thoughts on Mulan?