Wednesday, December 4, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Merida

If you had the chance to be a cunt, wouldja?

The general public seems genuinely incapable of finding anything wrong with Pixar films, but let me assure you, the flaws are rampant. So in the summer of 2012, when I wasted 93 fucking minutes of my precious time watching the studio's "next hit" Brave, I was beyond pissed. The film, heralded as Pixar's first with a female lead, sucked some serious ass. There was hardly any plot, the antagonist was almost non-existent, and the main character was a cunt for the books.

Merida is a 16-year-old Scottish princess who prefers to run around in the dirt rather than live a life of luxury. So essentially, right off the bat, this bitch is on my bad side. When she's not busy playing bow and arrow, she likes defying her parents by refusing to get married. Considering this movie is practically set in the beginning of time, and pretty much every other Disney princess gets married at 16, I don't know what the fuck her problem is. Sure, maybe she's a free spirit. But she's also a fucking princess with an entire fucking kingdom to rule. She has certain responsibilities. Rebelling against those responsibilities and putting her own desires ahead of the good of the people doesn't make her a powerful woman, it makes her a selfish, raging cunt.

So then Merida decides, Fine, if I can't have my way, I'll just place a fucking curse on my mom. So she wanders around the woods, following some gross floating blobs of light, and stumbles upon a witch (an elderly Boo, if you're one of those Pixar conspiracy theorists). She asks the witch to change her mother's mind, but instead, the curse turns the Queen into a monstrous bear, which just so happens to resemble the creature that once attacked the family and ate off the King's leg. Awesome. Way to go, Merida!

The rest of the movie revolves around Merida's slapstick attempt to keep her mother's transformation a secret. In short, it's basically an elongated, bad episode of Wizards of Waverly Place, but at least the Disney sitcom had the always delightful Selena Gomez to keep me entertained. Merida is far from delightful.

Somehow the curse is broken. I forget how. Who cares? It culminates in a nude mother-daughter scene. And Merida is fucking celebrated for all the fuckery she caused. OKAY. Because that's fair.

I personally prefer the "After."

As if the movie wasn't bad enough, controversy arouse when Merida was redesigned upon her induction into the Disney Princess line-up. (You can see the comparison above.) Critics noted that she was made skinnier and just generally sexier. Feminists flipped their shit. Now I consider myself a feminist, but this is a fucking CARTOON CHARACTER people!! Jesus Christ. The amount of drama this animated redheaded shit managed to start just proves what a cunt she is.

Here's hoping there's never a fucking Brave 2 or I will flip my shit.


Anonymous said...

You prefer the after image?! c'mon.

Taylor said...

So quotable! I love the comparison between Wizards and Brave! Spot on!