Thursday, December 19, 2013

Throwback Thursday: Scooby Doo

You wanna solve mysteries? You betta work, bitch!

While the Scooby Doo franchise has been reincarnated countless times for each generation, nothing quite beats the show that started it all: Scooby Doo, Where Are You?

From the instantly recognizable theme song to the five protagonists who would eventually become some of the most prolific cartoon characters of all time, this incredibly formulaic series was a staple in my childhood and continues to be a major part of my life.

The show focused on Mystery, Incorporated: leader and Rube Goldberg aficionado Fred Jones; chic and vain Daphne Blake; homely and intelligent Velma Dinkley; cowardly and hungry Shaggy Rogers; and, of course, Scooby, the dog with a speech impediment.

Each episode would begin with the gang arriving in a psychedelically renovated rapist van. Their destinations would range form abandoned amusement parks, abandoned airports, abandoned barnyards, and the like. Apparently, these kids never had school or any extracurricular activities and would just drive around the greater Coolsville area aimlessly until they happened upon an allegedly haunted facility.

They also didn't have other friends. Probably because they danced like this:

Once the gang decided that they wanted to get to the bottom of things, Fred would take charge with an aggressive leadership style I always thought compensated for his secret bisexual tendencies. He would suggest the gang "split up" into teams to collect clues. If he was lucky, he and Daphne would get to go off and fuck while Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby did all the heavy lifting.

But occasionally, Velma would worm her way into the "cool group" and Shaggy and Scooby would be left to their own devices.

Don't worry, V. I feel you!
Regardless of Velma's presence, Shaggy and Scooby would get deterred from the hunt for clues by their own hunger because (1) Shaggy was a massive stoner and (2) Scooby was a dog the size of a horse. Hijinks would ensue and they would fsu, but it would usually lead to the discovery of an important clue.

At that point, the gang would reconvene and probably come face to face with the ghost/miner/clown/whatever the hell is terrorizing the place and run in a montage against a looping background. And then Daphne would get captured and become the damsel in distress (and the bane of Velma's existence.) It's probably for the best, though; Daphne's contributions to solving the mystery were usually something along the lines of this:

God damn it, Daphne.

At this point, Fred would devise a plan to catch the villain with some asinine contraption. He had about a 30% success rate if I remember correctly. The other times, they would just accidentally knock the bag guy to the ground and unmask him then.

And who was under the mask? Nine times out of 10, it was the guy they met at the beginning of the episode and their motive is money. Ten times out of 10, they say something along the lines of "And I would've gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those meddling kids and their dumb dog!"

Well suck a dick, bitch, because you done get caught by a group of newly-licensed teenagers. Have fun touting around that rep in prison.

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