Thursday, January 31, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About Britney Spears

Bow down.
  1. For "...Baby One More Time", record label execs originally wanted an animated music video about Britney fighting robots. She told them it was a bad idea and pitched them the now-iconic Catholic school girl theme we see in the video today. Filming took place at Venice High School, where films like Grease and Heathers were also shot. Britney later called the cartoon robot idea the worst advice she's ever gotten.
  2. Britney is the only person to perform live with both Madonna and Michael Jackson, and thanks to MJ kicking the bucket, she always will be.
  3. The song "Umbrella" was originally written for Britney, but she rejected it and it was then given to Rihanna. (If only she took it... Would we be living in a Rihanna-less utopia today?!)
  4. Britney's debut album was originally going to be similar to Sheryl Crow's music, but she ultimately decided to go in the pop direction and recorded most of ...Baby One More Time in Sweden.
  5. In 2007, Britney embarked on a 6-date House of Blues concert tour under the pseudonym of The M+Ms. Once the public learned that the act was Britney, all the shows sold out. Tickets originally cost $35 but were scalped for as much as $500. Britney's set contained five songs. That's right! People coughed up half a grand to see the queen perform for 13 minutes!
  6. Britney was in talks to join a girl group called Innosense when she was signed as a solo artist in 1997 instead. (wtf is innosence?)
  7. Released during her highly publicized meltdown, Blackout is one of Britney's most critically-acclaimed albums and her only one to be inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It is also the album over which she had the most creative control, as she served as executive producer. #Blackout2.0
  8. Before she was Lady Gaga, Stefani Germanotta was a songwriter for Britney, who recorded "Telephone" for her sixth album Circus but ultimately decided not to use it. So basically one of Lady G's biggest songs is a Britney leftover. Love it!
  9. Britney's third album was self-titled because the singer said it reflected where she was in her life at the time; however, as Britney's release coincided with that of her film Crossroads, it was used as a de facto soundtrack for the movie. As a result, much of the album's personal material was scrapped in favor of songs that appeared in the film, such as the cover of "I Love Rock N Roll".
  10. Britney was originally considered for the role of Daisy Duke in the film adaptation of The Dukes of Hazzard, but it ultimately went to Jessica Simpson. Thank God. That movie was a train wreck.
  11. During the four years between In The Zone and Blackout, Britney recorded an entire album entitled The Original Doll. However, the album, which would have contained stripped down songs, was shelved for unknown reasons.
  12. Britney's sons, Sean and Jayden, have been nicknamed French Fry and Tater Tot by the media.
  13. Britney was the inspiration for the film Country Star, which chronicles the comeback of a fallen country star.
  14. ClearChannel, the largest owner of radio stations in America, was so disgruntled when Britney chose Pepsi to sponsor her Dream Within a Dream tour over them that they banned her music from its stations for several years. For this reason, many of Britney's singles underperformed; she did not follow-up 1998's "...Baby One More Time" with another #1 in the U.S. until "Womanizer" ten years later.
  15. Britney wrote "Everytime" after seeing ex-boyfriend Justin Timberlake's music video for "Cry Me a River", which features a Spears lookalike.
  16. "Hold It Against Me" was originally written with Katy Perry in mind, until songwriters Max Martin and Dr. Luke decided it was better suited for Britney.
  17. Britney was the sixth person to reach 10 million followers on Twitter.
  18. Britney's film Crossroads was written by Shonda Rhymes, who later went on to create Grey's Anatomy.
  19. Like many celebrities, Britney often travels under fake names. Some of these have included Mrs. Diana Prince, Queen of the Fairy Dance, and Mrs. Abra Cadabra.
  20. Britney's debut album was originally going to be self-titled, but Jive Records wanted to capitalize on the success its lead single, "...Baby One More Time", was experiencing by naming the album after it. Oops!... I Did It Again was originally called Sunflower but was changed for the same reason. (Bonus: the reason "...Baby One More Time" appears as it does is because Jive feared that its full title, "Hit Me Baby One More Time", would be misconstrued as domestic violence.)

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Glee, Season 1

The Glee cast back when the show wasn't a steaming pile of shit.
I haven't been shy about my flagging interest in Glee. Still, there are three things that keep me watching: (1) Darren Criss; (2) the plethora of bitchy characters; and (3) the music. I'll admit that they often perform songs too recent to be covered by anyone, and other times they just downright butcher classics. But this talented cast definitely has countless jams under its belt. I attempted to choose my favorite Glee songs of all time, but it just couldn't be done. So, here's the first installment: The Best of Glee, Season 1.

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

This or That: Cinderella vs. Snow White

Who's the fairest of them all?
When it comes to Disney princesses, people seem to think of Snow White and Cinderella as the epitome of the term, which is weird, considering they're two of the shittiest princesses out there. But it got me thinking, what is it about these two that makes them the quintessential princesses? Even more important, WHAT IS IT THAT MAKES ONE BETTER THAN THE OTHER?! Once again, I'm here to answer that burning question with This or That!

A pre-1980s Disney princess having a personality is like the Black Eyed Peas having a good song. It simply does not happen. However, there are a few traces of characteristics in both Snow White and Cinderella. Snow White is stupid as shit. Pretty much everything scares her, from a friendly prince singing along to her melodies to a fucking tree. And she turns everything into a goddamn song. I don't think she has a word of spoken dialog in the entire film. Cinderella is a little more bearable, but is a major hypocrite. Right after singing about how fucking great dreams are in "A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes", she yells at her dog for dreaming about chasing Lucifer the cat. Still, she has the sense of humor to talk shit about her stepfamily behind their backs. Furthermore, Cinderella can't even hold onto her shit and Snow White can't even eat an apple without passing the fuck out. Both of these bitches ain't shit, but this round goes to Cinderella.

Physical appearance
Cinderella's got the classic blonde look going for her. And girlfriend knows how to work any outfit, from unflattering rags to a bitchin' ballgown and the glass slippers to boot. Meanwhile, Snow White just can't seem to find the outfit that compliments her black hair and pasty skin. And wtf is up with her dress? Doesn't she realize that there are more than just the primary colors? The round goes to Cinderella.

Cinderella's sidekicks include some talking mice, as well as some birds and a dog, who can't talk, for whatever reason. She also has an elderly Fairy Godmother, but what good is that bitch when her magic has an expiration date? It's Snow Whites seven little friends who steal the show. I'm all about Doc, Grumpy, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, Sleepy, and Dopey, as we all should be. On top of that, Snow White also has an army of forest animals ready to do her chores for her. Love it! This round goes to Snow White.

I've already expressed my love for Cinderella's wicked stepmother and ugly stepsisters. Lady Tremaine, Anastasia, and Drizella are awesome because they're not actually evil, just rude and passive aggressive as fuck, which is one of my personal favorite pastimes. Meanwhile, the Evil Queen doesn't make a lick of sense to me. She may have a cool magic mirror, but she is so fucking pressed that Snow White is better looking than her that she turns herself into an ugly ass old hag. What this accomplishes, I'm not quite sure. And is killing Snow White really necessary? I know she's annoying and all, but Lady T and her daughters were just as jealous of Cinderella, but at least they knew there was a fine line between keepin' her fugly and killing her. This round goes to Cinderella!

The prince
Snow White's prince, simply known as "The Prince," is a fucking creep. He stalks Snow White and then basically rapes her when she's dead. And as if his kiss is magical enough to wake her up. Puh-leaze. On top of all that, he looks like a girl. Cinderella's Prince Charming, however, is sassy as fuck, as evidenced by his excessive yawning during the ball. Though Prince Phillip would smoke these two bastards in a second, it's clear that this round goes to Cinderella!
"Ain't nobody got time for that."
Even Snow White is too good for this.
Other factors
  • Cinderella has a soft, endearing voice. Snow White sounds like Minnie Mouse on speed. Point for Cinderella!
  • Snow White is portrayed by Cunt of the Week Ginnifer Goodwin in Once Upon a Time. Point for Cinderella!
  • Snow White will always have the distinction of being the first Disney Princess. So, pity point for Snow White!
And there you have it. Snow White might have the better sidekicks, but there aren't enough dwarfs in the world to compensate for all her shortcomings. Meanwhile, Cinderella showed a bitch what's what, so I declare her the winner!

    Tuesday, January 29, 2013

    Where Are They Now?: Christy Carlson Romano

    She's an original Disney teen queen. She brought to life Shia LaBeouf's nark sister and a firecrotch crime fighter, and she appeared in a highly successful trilogy of ABC Family original movies. Call her, beep her, if you wanna reach her. She's Christy Carlson Romano.

    If you were a fan of the Disney Channel during its golden era, you don't need a fucking explanation as to who CCR is. She simply is and that's good enough for you. However, I think we're all a little lost as to what homegirl is up to these days. But to look at the present, one must first look at the past.

    Where she's been
    Christy was a Broadway baby, appearing in national tours of hit musicals throughout her childhood. Her breakout, however, came in Y2K when girlfriend was cast in Even Stevens, a Disney show that most of look back on fondly. Christy, who insisted on using her entire fucking name professionally, played Ren Stevens, an uptight eighth-grader, for three years. Yes, at age 19, she was still playing an eighth grader.

    It wasn't long before she was pulling double duty as the voice of Kim Possible. Between these two shows, the hit TV film Cadet Kelly co-starring Hilary Duff, and random ass music videos like "Teacher's Pet" and "Could It Be" playing on Disney Channel every fucking second, it seemed like CCR was truly going to make it far, right?

    Wrong. While Hilary went off to do great things with her career, Christy never could break free from Disney. Even Shia, who did next to nothing else while portraying fucktard Louis on Even Stevens, made a name for himself. All Miss Romano could land was a role in The Cutting Edge ice skating movies on ABC Family. That's just fucking embarrassing.

    True, Christy has starred in a few Broadway shows, including as Belle Beauty and the Beast, and has made a few television guest appearances here and there, but her career has pretty much gone down the crapper. Even her attempt to launch a music career failed. (REALLY?! You couldn't even get a fucking record deal from DISNEY, who hands them out like candy?!)

    So, where is she now?
    So what is CCR up to these days? Pretty much nothing. Her only credit since 2010 is on a webseries called MyMusic (again, WHAT music?!). She's even more irrelevant than the dude who played The Famous Jett Jackson. I can only imagine she spends her days in the gym, trying to keep herself in tiptop shape for the job that will never come. In between jogs and rounds on the elliptical, she calls whoever she thinks can help her get the ball rolling on a Cutting Edge 4. Soon, you'll probably see her in a T-Mobile or bubble gum commercial. All the while, she probably writes and records music and posts them on YouTube, MySpace, and other such embarrassing venues.

    She hasn't been able to hold down a relationship because her requires all her lovers to help her carry out some sick Ren/Louis role play. Every once in a while, Shia LaBeouf gets a phone call at 2AM from a hysterical Christy crying about her failed career. The next morning, she calls him again with a renewed faith in her talent and apologizes for her meltdown. You see, she's been toiling with undiagnosed bipolar disorder for some time now. Poor Christy. Maybe if you hadn't gotten greedy and spread yourself too thin with your shitload of Disney projects in the early 2000s, you wouldn't be in this predicament. But there's no knowing that for sure. What's done is done!

    Monday, January 28, 2013

    Jam of the Week: "Animal" by Conor Maynard

    If there's one thing I love, it's British imports, particularly those of the musical variety. The Spice Girls, One Direction, Pixie Lott, the Beatles (I guess). You name it, I love it! The latest tea-and-crumpet-loving musician to hit my radar is Conor Maynard, a spunky 20-year-old who is basically the UK's answer to Justin Bieber. His hit "Animal" was a free download on iTunes recently, but I personally think it's priceless. That is why I've bestowed upon it the honorable title of Jam of the Week. Enjoy!

    Friday, January 25, 2013

    Bitch of the Week: Khloé Kardashian

    We all know she rarely looks like this.
    It's about high time we got ourselves another Kardashian up in this bitch. Bitch of the Week, that is. Khloé is the youngest Kardashian kid, unless you count Rob, which most people don't. But her fewer years on Earth hasn't made her any less bitchy. In fact, Kim couldn't even hold a candle to Khlo, and with Kourtney popping out children like a Pez dispenser pops out candy, Khloé is being groomed to be the family's Ultrabitch.

    Khloé spent her entire childhood being known as the ugly, fat sister. Any weak-minded, faint-hearted unbitch would go completely bonkers if they were in her shoes. But not Khloé. She sat back and let her sisters get all the attention. Ever the calculating mastermind, she was waiting for the right time. And that time came in 2007 when Kim's sex tape leaked all over the fucking place and the entire family was offered their own reality show. Koko, as she's known, knew that this was her opportunity to outshine her sisters and show America what a bitch she truly is.

    In 2009, Khloé showed her bitchiest colors when she married basketball pro Lamar Odom exactly one month after meeting him. And despite tabloid rumors to the contrary, the couple seems to still be going strong. That's right, the marriage is going on four years. Hear that, Kim? FOUR YEARS.

    This isn't to say that Khloé hasn't had her trials and tribulations. Her struggles to have a child has been well-documented on her various reality shows and several of her father's ex-wives have come out of the woodwork claiming that Khloé isn't Robert Kardashian's biological daughter. She also was arrested for a DUI (but like a pro bitch, she only served three hours of her 30-day sentence). Additionally, she's been sued a shitload of times.

    But she never lets that get her down. For every obstacle she comes across, Khloé launches another DASH store. She combats the sticks and stones with unnecessary products like a unisex fragrance or a novel.

    She did this, too.

    To further illustrate Khloé's bitchery, here are some fun quotes:
    • On Kim's relationship with Reggie Bush: "Seriously, the Bush and the Tush, that was like iconic for me."
    • On life: "Hi guys. Shake your tits! Oh yeah, they jiggle, baby."
    • On the human body: "I have a nipple obsession and personally love when women show their nipples— perhaps I was a member of a nudist colony in my last life."
    • On golfing: "I think maybe I could hit them better if they were black balls."
    • On bitchery: "Sometimes a bitch snaps."
    Say what you want about Khloé Kardashian. Say she's fat or ugly or the worst Kardashian sister. But don't ever say she's not a bitch. Because, actually, she's Bitch of the Week. She even has a fucking accent in her name, and that's about as bitchy as it gets. Deal with it.

    Wednesday, January 23, 2013

    Cunt of the Week: Angelina Jolie

    One of the few times you'll see her smiling.
    Cunt of the Week Angelina Jolie belongs to a rare breed of cunt, one that masks its cuntitude behind critically-acclaimed performances and selfless charitable work. Obviously, individuals like Angelina are sick bitches who need to be committed. Unfortunately, Angelina is no stranger to the looney bin and it seems like no amount of psychotherapy will slay this dragon.

    For those of you who are unaware, Angelina Jolie is a home-wrecking whore and collector of the finest infants Africa has to offer. She occasionally moonlights as an actress as well. She began cultivating her acting ambitions as a moody-as-fuck teenager. From age 14, she enjoyed experimenting with any drug she could find, running off with her boyfriend of the week (many of which lived with her and her mother -- nice), and playing with knives. She got along well with her mom, but couldn't forgive her father's infidelity (keep this in mind). She also felt alienated from her peers, particularly when she began attending Beverly Hills High School.

    WAIT. You mean to tell me that this bitch got to go to Beverly Hills High, which is like my dream, and she spent the entire time complaining?! Omg. I can't.

    As her career began to take off with Girl, Interrupted and other films I couldn't give two shits about, she decided that being bisexual would be a fun trend to set, so she did that. She also made out with her brother at the Academy Awards in 2000.

    Around the same time as her career breakout, Angelina began dating Billy Bob Thornton. Ever the embodiment of class that everyone thinks she is, Angelina wasn't shy about the relationship and spoke publicly about how they had sex in limos on their way to premiere events. And there was something else... What was it? Oh yeah. They wore viles of one another's blood around their necks. Even vampires wouldn't be into that shit. The couple got married, probably shopped around the Sahara desert for a couple of kids, and then divorced three years later. I, like most, was shocked because if that wasn't a stable marriage, I can't tell you what is.

    The most famous love triangle in history.
    More famously, Angelina cunted it up on the set of Mr. & Mrs. Smith in 2004 and stole costar Brad Pitt from his then-wife, Jennifer Aniston. UMM. Isn't this the same bitch who complained about her dad cheating on her mom? Seems like Angie has a major case of BlackKettleitis. As if ruining one of Hollywood's golden marriages wasn't enough, Angelina decided to further inflate her own ego and insult the intelligence of the public by saying that she and Brad didn't fall in love until after he divorced Jen and would refuse to comment on the nature of their relationship thereafter, even though they were producing and adopting like 38 children all the while. #TeamJen

    As far as we know, Brangelina is still going strong. They decided they wouldn't get married until everybody had the legal right to do so, but got bored with waiting for that and are currently planning a wedding. Here's hoping Brad gets cold feet and leaves this basic demonic bitch as the altar.

    Still hoping to repair the damage done to her reputation when she decided to become a whore, Angelina does a bunch of charity work. Additionally, she tries desperately to cling to her youth, as her appearance is one of the few things that people like about her. Hers is the kind of beauty that make people like Octomom neglect their children and pay gross amounts of money to duplicate. It's nice to know Angie has such a positive influence.

    And there you have it. Angelina Jolie: actress, humanitarian, and grade-A cunt. So the next time you're channel surfing and come across one of Angelina's movies, please change the channel to a Friends rerun. Let's stick it to the bitch!

    Monday, January 21, 2013

    Jam of the Week: "Eighteen Inches" by Lauren Alaina

    It's likely that you haven't heard of Lauren Alaina. She's one of many shoulda-coulda-woulda American Idol hopefuls who just didn't make a big impact after coming in second place on the show's tenth season. Still, her song "Eighteen Inches" is a jam. Written by Carrie Underwood but ultimately scrapped from her third album, the song talks about the dumb decisions you make when you're in love. After all, "there is no greater distance than the eighteen inches from your head to your heart."

    Friday, January 18, 2013

    Bitch of the Week: Kathryn Merteuil

    Before Gossip Girl, there was Kathryn Merteuil.
    Where does one start with a Bitch of the Week like Kathryn Merteuil? She's a schemer, a discreet slut, and a cocaine addict. Those are all the makings for the perfect bitch. But let's start from the beginning, shall we? The year was 1999 and a teenexploitative adaptation of Dangerous Liaisons was underway. Cruel Intentions focused on Kathryn and her equally-as-sinister stepbrother, Sebastian Velmont (Ryan Philippe).

    "You and I are two of a kind. At least I have
    the guts to admit it."
    The glorious Sarah Michelle Gellar brings to life Kathryn, whose evil nature is hidden beneath a gentle smile and student body presidency. Fresh off a dumping from Court Reynolds, Kathryn plots revenge on the new object of her ex-beau's affections, the naive and socially inept Cecile Caldwell (Selma Blair). Her plan of attack? Transform Cecile into a major slut so that Court won't find her as appealing. She enlists Sebastian's help in doing so. Meanwhile, the devious duo have a concurrent bet. If Sebastian fails in his pursuit to uncork and pork goody two-shoes Annette Hargrove (Reese Witherspoon), his prized car is Kathryn's; however, if he is successful, Kathryn will sleep with him.

    Oh yeah, that's the best part of it all! Sebastian and Kathryn aren't only stepsiblings, but they're also lovers and have done just about everything except good ol' fashion fornication. And who can blame her? What else is a bored little rich girl in the late 90s to do during the summer?

    As the film's plot unfolds, Kathryn continues to spin her web of lies and deceit, and even double-crosses Sebastian in the process. She also says a lot of hilarious and inspirational shit:
    • "Everybody loves me, and I intend to keep it that way."
    • "Unfortunately, our Don Juan is moving at the speed of a Special Olympics hurdler."
    • "I hate it when things don't go my way. It makes me so horny."
    • "I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself."
    • "You were very much in love with her. And you're still in love with her. But it amused me to make you ashamed of it."
    • "Don't you get it? You're a toy, Sebastian. A little toy I like to play with."
    And my personal favorite...

    But what I love most about Kathryn is not her quick wit. It's not her unparalleled ability to scheme and destroy the lives of others. It's not even the fact that her crucifix necklace doubles as a vile of cocaine. It's the simple truth of her ultimately dgafing when it comes to anything or anyone else other than herself. I find this lifestyle so inspiring and educational that I even have a picture of Kathryn on my door. No joke.

    There exists a Cruel Intentions 2 in which Amy Adams gives her half-assed attempt at a prequel Kathryn. Even more atrociously, Cruel Intentions 3 states that Kathryn was shipped off to some California rehab center. This is all bullshit. (1) Nobody but SMG could pull off Kathryn. (2) Kathryn would never let anybody banish her to a cocaine-less hellhole. No. Kathryn is forever the Queen Bitch, and if we all follow her example, then we will know paradise.

    Wednesday, January 16, 2013

    Cunt of the Week: Aly & AJ

    If I were their parent, I'd probably kill myself.
    Over the course of its existence, the Disney Channel has created many a star. From The Mickey Mouse Club's Britney Spears and Ryan Gosling, to the current crop of triple-threats ranging from Selena Gomez to Zac Efron, the network is at least partially responsible for giving us endless celebrities to obsess over. Unfortunately, there are always the occasional bad apples that stink so much they nearly ruin the entire harvest for everyone. Case in point: Aly & AJ.

    For those with a Disney-deprived childhood, sisters Alyson and Amanda Joy Michalka are amongst the earliest prototypes in the Mouse House's experiments, a process which has yielded the likes of Hilary Duff and Miley Cyrus. In 2004, Aly made her debut on Disney Channel's Phil of the Future as Keely Teslow, a piece of gypsy trash without a clue. The show barely lasted two years because it was really shitty. Nevertheless, it launched Aly into tween stardom and it wasn't long before Disney was throwing other acting and musical opportunities her way. Not one to be forgotten, AJ quickly hopped aboard the Exploitation Express, a pattern all too common in their sisterhood, and thus Aly & AJ were born.

    As a "band," the girls released some admittedly catchy jams. "Into the Rush" and "Potential Break-up Song" were where it was at for any Disney Channel fan circa 2005-07. They even starred in their very own Disney Channel Original Movie called Cow Belles, and that's when you KNOW you've made it. But it wasn't long before the cunting began. Pretty soon, you couldn't go anywhere without them cramming their shit down your throat. Rumor has it they would glide through life yelling things like:
    That shit might work if you're a backwoods slut-in-training in a blonde wig or a High School Musical cast member, but it ain't a cute look on Aly & AJ.

    Their favorite thing to cram down people's throats, however, is their Christian beliefs, though they'd never admit it. The following are actual quotes they've barfed out in regards to their religion:
    • "I think that's kind of disrespectful, anything that has to do with anybody's beliefs on religion, that should stay out of the classroom. I mean, I think people should be able to pray in school, if people were into that. Everybody should just do their own gig." - Aly
    • "Evolution is silly. Monkeys? Um, no." - AJ
    Bravo, ladies.

    In addition to being sisters, they're also lovers.
    In 2009, Aly & AJ decided to rename themselves 78violet for whatever goddamn reason and promised to deliver edgier, rockier music. Four years later, that hasn't happened. And Disney dropped them. In the meantime, they started working separately as actresses. You may remember AJ from critical and commercial smashes such as Secretariat and Salem Falls.

    Elsewhere, Aly was playing a slut in almost every movie she appeared in, including Easy A and The Roommate. Wonder how Jesus would feel about her playing a character whose nickname is Bits, or Big Tits. She had the starring role in Hellcats before that shit circled the CW drain. Forever mooching off her sister, AJ briefly joined the cast as well. If nothing else, her appearance on the show is what probably made viewers lose interest.

    And there you have it. A brief history in the cuntitude of sisters Aly & AJ. As 78violet, they probably aim to be even bigger cunts, if that's even possible. Until that actually happens, keep a lookout for these two in any LA bar, where they'll likely be getting hammered together, fiddling with their crucifix necklaces and recounting the glory days of their breakout hit Super Sweet 16: The Movie.

    Monday, January 14, 2013

    You Know What's Definitely NOT the Jam of the Week?

    Justin Timberlake's "Suit and Tie". After a six-year hiatus, JT has finally made his much-anticipated return to music. But with loungey shit like this, ain't nobody gonna listen.


    Jam of the Week: "Thinking of You" by Ke$ha

     "Thinking of You" by Ke$ha is the Jam of the Week. This is particularly exciting, as with this song, Ke$ha becomes the first artist to rack up two Jams of the Week. But what else can you expect from 2012's Jam of the Year hitmaker?

    In "Thinking of You", Ke$ha laments about her lover's infidelity. "I know I said I wouldn't talk about you publicly, but/That was before I caught you lying and cheating on me, slut!" she sings, before reminding him that he sees her face everywhere he goes and hears her song on the radio. The song is sprinkled with a few cliches, but that doesn't mean it's not the ultimate jam. Enjoy!

    Friday, January 11, 2013

    Bitch of the Week: Chelsea Handler

    She's bitchy and she knows it.

    Very few people embody and epitomize bitchery quite like our very first Bitch of the Week of the year, Chelsea Handler. Chelsea grew up in a half-Mormon, half-Jewish household in New Jersey, so naturally the only thing an environment like that would produce is a comedienne with lots of crass and sass.

    She rose to fame in 2007 when she began hosting Chelsea Lately, her own late night talk show on which she makes fun of celebrities. Any bitch who can get paid for doing that is more than deserving of the Bitch of the Week title. Now, she's not only a successful TV producer and stand-up comedian, but also a best-selling author. With three books under her belt, Chelsea climbs to the top of the New York Best Sellers list by writing about her experiences with sex, drinking, and her ridiculous family.

    The ultimate BFF.
    Her personal life is just as colorful as her professional ventures. She's dated everyone under the sun, from Animal Planet star Dave Salmoni to wash-up rapper 50 Cent. She's best friends with Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon and has countless feuds with the likes of Angelina Jolie, Joan Rivers, and Kathy Lee Gifford. She also has a little nugget of a sidekick, a Mexican little person named Chuy Bravo.

    In short, Chelsea is to bitchery what Jesus is to the Christians. It simply is and it's high time everybody recognizes that. If you still aren't sure, turn on E! at any hour of the day and you're bound to catch an episode of one of her shows, or at least a commercial for one, which are equally as funny. (Bonus: you'll more than likely be watching the Kardashians when you do this as well. Win-win!) To conclude today's Bitch of the Week, I've compiled some of Chelsea's best quotes:
    • "There are two kinds of people I don't trust: people who don't drink and people who collect stickers."
    • "I like to stay at home and sit on my ass."
    •  "I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around. I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around."
    • "Paris Hilton is going on a goodwill mission to Rwanda. It’s the first time an entire Third World country will have to get immunizations for a visitor."
    • "I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people."
    • "People are always like, 'Oh, she’s such a bitch.' I’m like, 'Yeah, I am a bitch, actually.'"

    Wednesday, January 9, 2013

    Cunt of the Week: Duffy the Disney Bear

    A face you could just slap.
    If you haven't been to a Disney theme park in the past few years, you may be unaware of a certain cuddly cunt who goes by the name of Duffy and has been given the title of the Disney Bear. For whatever reason, Disney park execs thought that Mickey Mouse wasn't enough of a mascot for the company and decided the punish the entire world with this sack of shit.

    Apparently, he was originally introduced in Orlando for a limited time, but it wasn't until the Tokyo park got its hands on Duffy that this so-called Disney Bear became an instant hit. (It's all too typical of the Japanese to go cray over this.) Now, this abomination is at every park! You can buy him (along with accessories and various other outfits), meet and take pictures with him, and even see him in the parade! This little fucker even has his own show at some of the parks! Slowly but surely, he is taking over, snatching the wigs of beloved classic characters such as Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck.

    Like Eve taking a bite from the apple, Minnie creating
    Duffy was the beginning of the end.
    Perhaps the most outrageous part of Duffy's existence is his back story. Get this: the person who "made" him is none other than MINNIE FUCKING MOUSE. Mickey was going on a trip and Minnie decided to make him a teddy bear to remember her by (because her malevolent and degenerate existence is too easily forgotten?). It's my own personal philosophy that the most dangerous cunts are those that are created by other cunts. Not only is this totally gross, but it's yet another example of Minnie trying to appear innocent even though she's a raging, festering little cunt.

    Thanks to my close proximity to Disneyland, I have a plethora of opportunities to boo and yell profanities at Duffy when I see him and his Mickey Mouse tramp stamp in the park. I encourage everyone to follow suit so we can expel this evil from the Disney theme parks and preserve the innocence and sanity of future generations.

    Tuesday, January 8, 2013

    The Cult of the Frenemy

    We love them. We hate them. We all have them.

    Who else could I be talking about other than the frenemy? A frenemy, for those basic bitches who don't know, is that one friend you want to kill but tolerate for whatever reason. The best frenemyships have a wicked sense of rivalry as well. Biffles one minute, mortal enemies the next. It's a beautiful thing. Let's look at some examples, shall we?

    Who wore it best? The answer is neither, but let's just say
    Kelly because she didn't wear the fugly gloves.
    5. Brenda Walsh and Kelly Taylor
    Imagine you've just moved to Beverly Hills from Bumfuck, Minnesota and instantly befriend the most popular girl in school. Sounds too good to be true, right? It is. Brenda Walsh learned that life just isn't that easy in Beverly Hills, 90210. She became fast friends with Kelly Taylor, who wasn't outwardly bitchy but definitely showed little to no consideration for others. Pretty soon, however, their friendship took a sour turn and evolved into frenemyhood.

    Whether she's leaving Brenda stranded at the beach without a ride or sleeping with her boyfriend, Kelly proved that she truly dgafed when it came to her friend's feelings. That's not to say Brenda is innocent. She took a serious toll on Kelly just by being her gross, obnoxious self, and commented on how stuck-up and spoiled Kelly was on a near-episodic basis. Despite the constant downs, the girls remained friends, even in the 90210 reboot, on which they also continued arguing.

    Brenda and Kelly's frenemyhood is unique, however, because the characters were played by real-life frenemies Shannen Doherty and Bitch of the Year Jennie Garth. It's common knowledge that the actresses did not get along, but since then, they've each individually stated that they've "renewed" their friendship and got along "most" of the time on set. We all know that ain't true. #TeamJennie

    Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and
    your frenemies as close as possible.
    4. Judy Garland and Lana Turner
    Proving that this phenomenon is as old as time, Judy Garland and Lana Turner began their frenemyship in the dark ages of the 1930s. Both actresses were signed to MGM as teenagers and were forced to deal with one another 24/7, whether they were working on a film together or not. By most accounts, they got along fairly well and there was little animosity. There was, however, some mad jealousy on JGar's part. Judy, openly criticized for her looks, was forever branded the platonic girl next door and was given roles that suited this image. Meanwhile, the beautiful Lana was lionized into a sex symbol.

    Judy had a major inferiority complex when it came to Lana, which was only fueled by the men they shared. Lana had an affair with their mutual costar, Mickey Rooney, for whom Judy had strong feelings. Later, Lana eloped unexpectedly with Judy's boyfriend, bandleader Artie Shaw. A regular friendship would have ended by this point. However, like true frenemies, the women remained friends for the remainder of their lives, even though Lana's beauty withstood the test of time while Judy became considerably more trollish. If there's something to be learned here, it's that good-looking people really do have it better. Good news for me!

    3. Angelica Pickles and Susie Carmichael
    In her Bitch of the Week article, I detailed why Angelica Pickles is just the most. Good girl Susie Carmichael from down the street couldn't keep up, so they could never be friends. They could, however, be frenemies. No longer babies, but far away from the world of adulthood, the 3-year-olds were constantly forced to be with one another at neighborhood gatherings, pre-school, etc. Angelica and Susie turned everything into a competition, even winning the loyalty of the babies. Because Angelica's only skill was her bitchery, she often lost. But she always put up a good fight! And what's important is that the girls remained friends, as seen in the atrocious Rugrats spin-off All Grown Up.

    For more on Angelica and Susie's frenemyship, watch this short yet amazing clip from The Rugrats Movie.

    2. Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian
    There are no better frenemies than those that are also famous socialites. This scientifically proven fact is perhaps best illustrated by Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. There was a time when the girls were just friends, but that was back when Paris was the iconic blonde of her generation and Kim hadn't yet learned how to pluck her eyebrows.

    Paris made a rookie mistake of teaching Kim her ways. Once Kim's sex tape was floating around the internet, her star shined even brighter than Paris' when she made the same move. Kim then hollered with a reality show, the famed Keeping Up with the Kardashians, just as Paris had done with The Simple Life. The difference? Kim was smart and enlisted her family as her costars. Paris went with the unreliable selection of another frenemy, Nicole Richie, so it's no wonder that didn't last long. The golden rule of frenemyhood is never work with a frenemy. #duh

    The joke is on Paris, however. Between a clothing store chain, countless perfumes, 4 reality shows, a 72-day marriage, and a much-hyped-about baby on the way, Kim is far more famous and overexposed than Paris ever was. The two debutantes still claim to be on good terms with one another, except for occasional hijinks, like the time Paris said Kim had a butt like cottage cheese.

    Delusions of grandeur: one of the warning signs of a frenemy.

    Frenemies may also have
    homosexual tendencies.
    1. Serena Van Der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf
    No show in the history of television has better demonstrated the cult of the frenemy better than Gossip Girl, which basically chronicles the frenemyship of Upper East Side teens Serena Van Der Woodsen and Blair Waldorf. The former breezes through life despite her attempts to rehabilitate* her image; the latter is a narcissist who works for everything she gets. The two couldn't be more unalike, and therefore could never be just plain ol' friend friends. Thus, they were frenemies!

    The show begins with Serena returning from a year of boarding school, during which time she chose to cut off all contact with Blair and their friends. Naturally, Blair took over as the "it" girl and head bitch in their social circle and was none-too-pleased that Serena had made a comeback. What ensued was six years of the most beautiful frenemyship known to man. As friends, they supported one another unconditionally, helped the other achieve her goals, and schemed to take down mutual foes. As enemies, they fought over boys, social status, and loyalty. In some of their best arguments, they attempted the thwart the other's chances at getting into college, and at one point Blair even banished Serena from New York City when S refused to rekindle their friendship.

    * Perhaps a poor choice of words, given that she's a fucking coke addict.

    So there you have it. Five flawless examples of frenemies. We can learn something from each of these dynamic duos, because we all have frenemies. If you think you don't, you're either delusional as fuck or just plain stupid. Either way, you're screwed because you don't know how to handle LIFE.

    Monday, January 7, 2013

    Jam of the Week: "Rock Me" by One Direction

    Mm. The first Jam of the Week of 2013 is by the boy band wonder One Direction, fresh off their latest album Take Me Home. What I love most about this song is its overtly sexual double entendre. I mean, with lyrics like "I want you to rock me, rock me, rock me, yeah/I want you to hit the pedal, heavy metal/Show me you care," what else could they mean? If that's enough to convince you, there's the bridge, in which they chant "R-O-C-K me again" like a billion times. It's all very "If U Seek Amy" meets "Rock Me In", two classic Britney jams. No wonder I love this song so much!

    Sunday, January 6, 2013

    This or That: Taylor Swift vs. Carrie Underwood

    Carrie be like, "Okay, bitch. Calm down."
    For whatever reason, Carrie Underwood and Taylor Swift are constantly compared to one another by the media and the public. As far as I'm concerned, the two singers are worlds apart. Even Carrie herself is baffled by this bullshit. I'm sure you're all aware that I have a certain obsession with one of these artists and a certain disdain for the other; however, I'm willing to (try and) put aside all biases while I dissect these comparisons and declare a winner in Tommy Time's first ever This or That! (Because I love conflict and starting shit. It's a hobby.)

    Musical styles
    Both Taylor and Carrie consider themselves country artists, and while both dabble in other genres, only Carrie's music remains rooted in legit country music in terms of structure and lyrical content. Taylor, on the other hand, is primarily a pop artist who occasionally brings in some elements of country. I'll remind you of her recent hit, "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" (as if you could ever forget its endless radio airplay). The song sounds exactly like any other pop song out there, and it should. It was co-written by Max Martin, who is best known for his work with Britney Spears, N Sync, Kelly Clarkson, and Katy Perry. Notice how there's not a single country artist on that list? The song even needed a country remix to play on country radio, which is just sad. Similarly, Taylor's "Red" experiments with autotune while "I Knew You Were Trouble" is littered with dubstep. Sorry, bitch, but that ain't country. This round goes to Carrie!

    Anybody who would even dare insinuate that Taylor is a better vocalist than Carrie can go fuck themselves because they're obviously deaf and/or just plain stupid. Carrie's voice is the closest thing on this Earth to an angel singing. Taylor sounds like an 11-year-old with the flu. However, snaps for Taylor for writing all of her own songs. While Carrie has written some of her own biggest hits, she's never penned an entire album by herself like Taylor did with Speak Now. So one's the better vocalist, and other is the better, or at least more frequent songwriter. They each bring something to the table, so this round is a draw!

    Sales, numbers, and figures
    Carrie's singles perform better on country radio, but as a crossover artist, Taylor's singles outperform Carrie's across the board. Carrie's best selling album Some Hearts outsold Taylor's best selling effort Fearless. However, Taylor's overall album sales outpace Carrie's by almost 4 million. Similarly, Taylor's digital song sales dwarf Carrie's 2 to 1 while her tour sales outnumber Carrie's 3 to 1. Clearly, this round goes to Taylor!

    Personal lives
    In her 7 years of fame, Carrie has only been linked to 3 men, including Mike Fisher, her husband of almost 3 years. Taylor, on the other hand, has reportedly been linked to at least 13 individuals since 2009 and still maintains that she's sweet, innocent, pure, and most importantly, the victim. (Also, kudos to Carrie for landing Gossip Girl actor Chace Crawford. What a catch! Most of Taylor's boyfriends have been janky as fuck.) This round goes to Carrie!

    There you have it. While Taylor might be the more popular artist (which is odd considering the public's disdain for her seems to have skyrocketed in the past year), Carrie is obviously way better. I knew from the start this argument was a waste of time, but hopefully Taylorphiles can learn a thing or two here. Until next time, stay pressed.

    Tuesday, January 1, 2013

    Tommy Picks 20 Things to Look Forward to in 2013

    Ring it in!
    Well, it's officially 2013. I've already posted a list of 20 things we need to get the fuck over as we leave 2012 behind. So now, on a more positive note, I've listed 20 things to look forward to for the next 12 months.
    1. Britney Spears. Album 8. It's confirmed.
    2. The Kimye Baby
    3. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler hosting the Golden Globes
    4. Oz: The Great and Powerful
    5. 20-year high school reunion for the original Beverly Hills, 90210 gang. Make it happen. #TeamKelly
    6. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire
    7. The Miley Cyrus/Liam Hemsworth Wedding
    8. One Direction's world tour. Am I going as of yet? No. Would I kill to go? Probably.
    9. The return of Pretty Little Liars
    10. The Man of Steel
    11. Watching laughing at The Carrie Diaries as it falls flat on its ass
    12. Gangster Squad. Love me some Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone!
    13. Stricter gun control and gay marriage errywhere. (I know, serious things? #ugh)
    14. Ryan Reynolds and anything he does.
    15. Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey catfights on American Idol
    16. Seeing if Amanda Bynes' hit-and-runs outnumber Lindsay Lohan's arrests
    17. Saving Mr. Banks. Tom Hanks plays Walt Disney. #sold
    18. Albums 4 from Miley, Demi, Selena, and Hilary. Let's make it a fucking jam-packed year, ladies!
    19. The Great Gatsby
    20. Most importantly, this (hopefully) happening.
    Happy New Year!!!