Friday, May 31, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Nicki Minaj (Is Who You Ain't Fuckin' With)

Do you think that's her natural
hair color?
What do you get when you take Lil Wayne, trade in his penis for Kim Kardashian's ass, and throw her into Lady Gaga's dressing room? You get the reigning Bitch of the Week, Nicki fucking Minaj.

For those of you who don't know, Her Minajesty is arguably the most popular and successful female rapper of all time. Beginning in 2010, she was pretty much featured in more songs than Pitbull, Flo Rida, and Timbaland combined. Even more impressive is her solo career, which has spawned jams such as "Moment 4 Life", "Super Bass", and "Starships".

Nicki is the perfect candidate for Bitch of the Week for countless reasons. First of all, she has her own verb conjugation that is beyond, as evidenced by classic lyric "I beez in the trap;" a lesser rapper would have just said "I am in the trap," but Nicki knew das tacky. Nicki is always delivering innovative lyrics (or "spittin' mad rhymes," as I'm told they say on the streets). Let's look at some examples.
  • "Kiss my ass and my anus, cuz it's finally famous."
  • "You're like a candy store, and I'm a toddler."
  • "If you could turn back time; Cher! You used to be here now you're gone; Nair!"
  • "Ra, ra, like a dungeon dragon!"
  • "I'm a bad bitch I'm a cunt/I'll kick that ho, punt/Force trauma, blunt/You play the back, bitch I'm in the front!"
  • "If I had a dick, I would pull it out and piss on 'em!"
And as with most bitches, Nicki has some pressed haters. When Nicki was quickly becoming the alpha bitch of the hip-hop world, something called a lil kim came out of the woodwork and accused NM of swagger jacking: "If you are going to steal my swag, you gonna have to pay. Something gotta give. You help me, I help you. That's how it goes to me." Never one to take anyone's bullshit laying down, Nicki responded by saying:
She picked a fight with Foxy, then she picked a fight with Eva, then she picked a fight with Remy, then it was Mrs. Wallace, then it was Nicki Minaj. Every time you in the news, it’s 'cause you gettin' at somebody! Where’s your music? Put your music out, and when I see your name on Billboard, that’s when I’ll respond to you. Other than that, goodbye. It’s Barbie, bitch.
Not only did Nicki take a swipe at Lil Kim's lack of success, but she referred to herself in the third person, which only a true bitch can pull off!

But that's not all. Who can forget Nicki's feud with Mariah Carey while they co-judged the fifty-ninth twelfth season of American Idol? Their rivalry started covered much ground, from passive aggressive eye rolls to full-on death threats. But everyone knows that Mariah is a piggish hasbeen while Nicki reigns supreme.

Of course, I cannot in good conscience give Nicki Bitch of the Week without allowing her to share the title with Roman Zolanski, her evil gay twin brother that was born inside her while she was still in the womb. He's been the influence for some of her greatest songs, included "Roman Holiday" and former Jam of the Week "Roman's Revenge".

At the end of the day, only the Barbz and Ken Dolls (the fans of Nicki, named for her affinity for Barbie), will truly understand what makes Nicki a bitch. There's only so much of her merit I can articulate. To fully grasp it, you must delve into her music. I implore you to do so, if you haven't already.

Thursday, May 30, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About The Lion King

  1. The film was originally called King of the Jungle until Disney realized that lions don't actually live in the jungle. Well, shit.
  2. The Lion King and Pocahontas were in production at the same time. Disney's most talented animators opted to work on the latter, believing it to be the more prestigious of the two. Given that the The Lion King was wildly more successful than Pocahontas, I'd say they were wrong.
  3. The original plot of the film dealt with a power struggle between lions and baboons, who were led by Scar. Simba would have never left the kingdom, but instead would have become lazy and unlikable thanks to Scar's manipulation, thus making him easy to overthrow after his coming of age. Thankfully, this premise was heavily revised.
  4. Although Disney heralded The Lion King as their first original story not based on an already-existing work, the filmmakers drew inspiration from Shakespeare's Hamlet, as well as from African folklore. The film elicited controversy over similarities with the 1960s Japanese anime television series Kimba the White Lion.
  5. The "Be Prepared" scene was inspired by footage of Adolf Hitler.
  6. Cheech & Chong were tapped to play the two speaking hyenas, and while Cheech Marin signed on to play Banzai, Tommy Chong was unavailable. Therefore, Shenzi was changed to a female role and Whoopi Goldberg was cast. Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella originally auditioned for the hyenas, but the filmmakers liked them together so much that they cast them as Timon and Pumbaa.
  7. Before Elton John was hired to compose the film's soundtrack, Disney and Tim Rice had reached out to ABBA.
  8. Many of the characters' names are Swahili terms: Simba means lion; Pumbaa means simpleton, stupid, or carefree; Nala means gift; Sarabi means mirage; Shenzi means savage or uncouth; and Rafiki means friend. 
  9. The soundtrack is the only animated film soundtrack to be certified Diamond by the RIAA, after achieving sales of over 10 million copies in the United States.
  10. It took approximately three years to animate the two-and-a-half minute wildebeest stampede scene.
  11. Original versions of "Hakuna Matata" delved into Timon's back-story, whereas the final version only deals with Pumbaa's.
  12. "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" was originally supposed to be a comical duet between Timon and Pumbaa, rather than the Oscar-winning romantic ballad present in the film today.
  13. The film is said to have racist and xenophobic undertones. While the kingdom is ruled by light-colored lions with American accents, Scar is darkly colored and speaks with a British accent. He and the hyenas, who are also darkly colored and speak with African-American and Latino voices, live in dark impoverished areas similar to inner-city ghettos. When they attempt to enter the kingdom illegally, Mufasa rushes to stop the "trouble at the borders." Once Scar and the hyenas overtake the kingdom, the once-prosperous land quickly goes to shit.
  14. The film was the first to be made exclusively at Disney Studios in Florida.
  15. Originally, Scar was not related to Mufasa, but the filmmakers decided that making him the outcast brother added more emotional depth to the story.
  16. Pumbaa is the first Disney character to fart.
  17. It took nine months for the film to be converted into 3D for its 2011 theatrical re-release.
  18. The Lion King is the best selling home video of all time, with over 55 million copies sold (4.5 million on the first day alone.)
  19. In the Broadway adaptation of the film, Rafiki is a girl, as director Julie Taymor felt that the story lacked a strong female lead. (Sorry, Nala...)
  20. In earlier drafts of the script, Nala leaves the kingdom to escape Scar's romantic advances, rather than to find food as she does in the final version of the film. Scar's demented sexual fixation on Nala is present in the Broadway musical.

This or That: Beverly Hills, 90210 vs. Melrose Place

They even wore opposing colors.
 My obsession with Beverly Hills, 90210 and its subsequent spin-offs is hardly a secret. It's one of the most beautiful television franchises in history. And it's probably not a coincidence that its two best series, the original 90210 and its first spin-off Melrose Place, aired together in the 90s. Though they shared the same universe, the shows were vastly difference, so much so that they were constantly pitted against one another during their original broadcasts. This leaves us with one question: Which is better? Once again, Tommy Time's This or That is on the case.

Giving Credit Where Credit is Due

Beverly Hills, 90210 is the foundation of the entire franchise. Story-wise, if Kelly didn't get involved with an older man who lived in an apartment complex off of Melrose Avenue, there wouldn't have been a spin-off. Melrose Place owes BH90210 its life. Not only that, but the parent show revitalized the teen drama, showcasing adolescence in a realistic yet dramatic way never before seen on television, and was one of the first high school centric series to successfully transition into the college years. Melrose Place took a different tonal route (which I'll discuss later), but it didn't do anything that prior primetime soaps like Dallas didn't before it.

Awards and accolades

Neither show reaped up a plethora of awards, and both were snubbed by the Emmys. However, 90210 was nominated for 4 Golden Globes (2 for Best TV Drama and 2 for Jason Priestley as Best TV Drama Actor) while Heather Locklear and Laura Leighton were nominated a total of 5 times for their Melrose performances.

In 2007, Entertainment Weekly named 90210 the #20 classic in the new TV era, with Melrose trailing in at #51. The magazine also named the 90210 theme song as one of television's best and the guys' sideburns as one of the best pop culture fashion trends; Melrose failed to make either list. Both shows made an impact on TV, but it's clear that this round goes to 90210!

Just the numbers

90210 ran for an astounding 10 seasons; Melrose ran for 7. And while Melrose outperformed 90210 during the 1996-1997 broadcast season, it was the latter that won in the ratings. Additionally, the 90210 reboot lasted 5 seasons; Melrose's reboot was cancelled after just one. Without question, 90210 wins this round!

Star power

90210 took a bunch of unknown actors and turned them into superstars. Jason Priestley and Luke Perry were teen heartthrobs while Shannen Doherty, Jennie Garth, and Tori Spelling were notable tabloid fixtures. Along with co-stars Brian Austin Green, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, and Hilary Swank, the West Bev alums are still household names.

Melrose didn't have nearly as much luck. Heather Locklear was already at the top of her game when she joined the cast, but only Marcia Cross and Kristen Davis emerged from the series with a notability that they still keep to some degree. Clearly, Melrose has nothing on the 9-0 zip. This round goes to 90210!


Both shows may have shared the same universe, but they couldn't have been more different. 90210 tended to have better performances and stayed as true to reality as it could; the rare outlandish plotline was more than compensated by amazing character development and a strong sense of continuity. Melrose is one of the soapiest shows I've seen. It's crazy storylines never serviced the characters but rather sought to jolt the audience. Different strokes for different folks, but I say this round goes to 90210!

Well, wow (as Amanda Bynes would say in reference to a hair cape). It sure looks like Melrose Place struck out, huh? Well, unlike previous This or Thats, there are no losers here. Both shows are amazing, but 90210 is just superior. If you haven't, I encourage you to watch both series. It's only 17 years worth of television. Totally doable.

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Kristen Stewart

Always lively, always photogenic.
Is there anything more cunt-inducing than Twilight? Aside from the sheer beauty of Kellan Lutz, I can't think of a single good thing that was birthed from that shitty book-turned-film series. This is especially true when it comes to Kristen Stewart, who brought to life played Bella Swan in the movies.

In case you're wondering... Yes, Kristen Stewart does consider herself an actress, and she's paid an obscene amount of money for her so-called performances. If you're like me, you're wondering how the hell she ever got her big break. She's neither pretty nor talented, so what does she bring to the table? Well, it turns out that both her parents have been in the biz forever, so her sickening career is just a result of good connections.

It's true that KStew may have gotten her start in a nonspeaking role in the groundbreaking Disney Channel mermaid flick The Thirteenth Year, but it wasn't until the 2008 release of the first Twilight film that she became a pain in everybody's asses. As Bella, Kristen woodenly wandered around the screen and belched out her lines as if she had better things to do. As more and more of the vampire flicks hit the silver screen, Kristen only became more and more famous, and her real life romance with onscreen lover Robert Pattinson didn't help matters. That shit might have worked for Zac and Vanessa, but ain't nobody wanna see these two date in real life.

(Sidebar: Were we really expected to believe that characters played by the allegedly attractive Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner would fight over this troll? I personally don't buy it.)

Of course, perhaps Kristen's most notorious display of cuntitude occurred in July 2012, when Us Weekly published photos of Kristen's pale ass clinging onto her very married Snow White and the Huntsman director Rupert Saunders. In the months that followed, KStew was called "The Most Hated Woman in America." This was a really fun time for me, even though it appears that Robert and much of the public has since forgiven her. (She's even moving forward with a fucking Snow White sequel. Like wtf, seriously...)

For kicks, let's hear what Kristen has to say about herself, her career, and her life. Get ready for some ironic lawlz:
  • "You can learn so much from bad things. I feel boring. I feel like, Why is everything so easy for me? I can't wait for something crazy to fucking happen to me. Just life. I want someone to fuck me over. Do you know what I mean?"
  • "Good relationship advice for me trends to be being honest and knowing yourself. Don't be an asshole. Don't be mean. Don't take shit. Don't settle."
  • "I do things very impulsively; I don't really like to plan things at all. If I am passionate about something then I will do it."
  • "I think romance is anything honest. As long as it's honest, it's so disarming."
  • "What you don't see are the cameras shoved in my face and the bizarre intrusive questions being asked, or the people falling over themselves, screaming and taunting to get a reaction. The photos are so... I feel like I'm looking at someone being raped."
Now that the Twilight saga is finally over (five fucking films later), I do hope that we don't hear too much of KStew in the future. She's not even the funny kind of hot mess who says stupid shit and gets into trouble. She's just really fucking annoying and, to be quite fucking honest, a cunt.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Blurred Lines" by Robin Thicke, T.I. & Pharrell

Robin Thicke sure knows how to make a good jam. For those of you who do not know, Robin is basically like a more soulful, nearly black Justin Timberlake. And when he teams up with T.I. and Pharrell, who you may recognize from Britney Spears' "Boys" or Daft Punk's "Get Lucky", magic happens.

Some classic lyrics from "Blurred Lines":
  • "But you're a good girl/The way you grab me/Must wanna get nasty/Go ahead, get at me."
  • "You wanna hug me/Hey, hey, hey/What rhymes with hug me?"
  • "You the hottest bitch in this place."
You'll need to enjoy the song to truly enjoy its beauty.

Sunday, May 26, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #1

They're each holding a knife behind their back.
Thing I Love #1: When Disney Channel Stars Get Risqué in Their Lyrics

Whether it's Selena Gomez using soft swear words on "Hit the Lights" or Miley meeting "sexy boys in every city" on "Permanent December", I've always loved when Disney Channel stars' lyrical content becomes mildly inappropriate for their target demographic. This is no truer than for Demi Lovato's album Unbroken, on which she sings about picking up guys in clubs, making waves in a bed in the shade, drinking champagne, and "thinking sober."

Thing I Hate #1: People Who Do Not Understand the Art of Instagram

There is nothing worse than basic bitches instawhoring themselves out. #justwokeup #nomakeup and #nofilter are amongst the hash tags I simply do not have time for, especially in regard to selfies. But perhaps the biggest and most insulting atrocity is when people share EVERY Instagram photo on Facebook. UM HELLO. They are two different and separate mediums. Occasionally it may be okay to cross over, but usually it is not! This is especially true when a bitch instagrams a shit load of photos and shares them all on Facebook at the same time, thus clogging MY newsfeeds on both fronts. Rude, inconsiderate, and downright tacky.

Monday, May 20, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Ooh La La" by Britney Spears

Whenever Britney hits the scene with a new jam, life becomes instantly more worth living. Girlfriend just released her track "Ooh La La" from the forthcoming Smurfs 2 film and it is killer.

The song is like Oops!... I Did It Again meets Blackout, if you can imagine a thing as beautiful as that. And while I wish it was a bit naughtier, it's still a fun and sweet song for the kids, and Britney manages to sneak in her signature double entendre in there! So sit back and get ready to actually LIVE.

And this is just a DEMO. According to Brit, the final version will be released on June 16.

So baby come with me and be my ooh la la...

Tuesday, May 14, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About Selena Gomez

All grown up.
  1. At age 7, Selena Gomez joined the cast of Barney & Friends as Gianna, but was eventually let go two years later once she was considered "too old." Selena has famously recounted meeting best friend Demi Lovato while coloring in line to audition for the show.
  2. Once she was discovered by Disney Channel through a nation-wide talent search, Selena was placed in guest spots on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody and Hannah Montana. She also filmed three pilots: a Lizzie McGuire spin-off called What's Stevie Thinking; a Suite Life spin-off entitled Arwin!; and Wizards of Waverly Place, the show that would make her a star.
  3. Selena's first kiss was on camera to Dylan Sprouse while filming a scene for her aforementioned appearance on The Suite Life. How vile! Can you imagine a sadder first kiss story?
  4. When Selena got a recording contract, she was adamant that she wanted a band rather than a solo career, citing Paramore as her biggest influence. Disney's Hollywood Records wanted to capitalize on Selena's household name, so they came up with the compromise of tacking on the band onto her name; thus, Selena Gomez & the Scene was born. Selena stated that she hoped that one day they could be known simply as "The Scene." After three albums, however, she dropped her band mates and embarked on a solo career.
  5. In 2009, Selena became the youngest ambassador for UNICEF at age 17.
  6. She used to wear a purity ring that said "True Love Waits." Then she met Justin Bieber.
  7. Selena reportedly turned down the role of Tiara Gold in High School Musical 3: Senior Year because she felt it would be a good opportunity for an undiscovered actress.
  8. While filming Ramona & Beezus, she wore a sports bra to give herself a flatter look. #JudyGarlandProblems
  9. Selena's mother encouraged her to take her role in the controversial film Spring Breakers, as she was a big fan of director Harmony Korine's work.
  10. "Whiplash" was originally written by Britney Spears for Circus, "Rock God" and "That's More Like It" were both written and recorded by Katy Perry before being passed on to Selena, and "Come & Get It" was supposed to be for Rihanna.
  11. For the first few years of Wizards of Waverly Place, Selena was frequently linked to her co-star, David Henrie. However, there has been recent speculation that the two do not get along, reports which were fueled by David's refusal to participate in the post-series special Alex vs. Alex, which aired earlier this year.
  12. Despite being best known for playing a teenage wizard, Selena has admitted that she doesn't like the magic genre, specifically the Harry Potter franchise.
  13. Her third album, When the Sun Goes Down, was originally titled Otherside until she realized that was fucking stupid.
  14. She met best friend Taylor Swift backstage at a Jonas Brothers concert when Selena was dating Nick and Taylor was dating Joe. #poorKevin
  15. Selena's favorite TV show is Friends and she hopes to one day star in a show similar to that. (Right, because Friends rip-offs have worked out so well in the past...)
  16. While neither have confirmed it, Selena and Demi ended their friendship because of Demi's hard-partying ways, but they reconciled after we entered rehab. 
  17. She is named after the famous Mexican singer Selena.
  18. Selena's "Come & Get It" charted at #6 in America, making it the highest charting single by a Disney Channel star, right behind Miley's "Party in the USA" at #2. (And this is excluding Mouseketeers Justin, Britney, and Christina.)
  19. Her acting idol is Rachel McAdams.
  20. For her music video for "Falling Down", Selena had a woman behind the camera instructing her what to do with her hands because Selena felt too awkward.

Monday, May 13, 2013

A Look Back on 90210: The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

The Class of Beverly Hills.
Tonight, 90210 airs its final episode, thus officially closing the book on its five-year run. The show, a reboot of the original and far superior Beverly Hills, 90210, was once the CW's flagship program, but has spent the last two years just flagging. Join me as I bid farewell to everybody's favorite zip code and take a look back on every aspect of a show past its prime: the good, the bad, and ugly.

The Good

United they stand. Unlike its parent series, 90210 managed to keep its core gang together for the entire series. Early reports of on-set squabbles proved to be false, as the cast got along just as well as their onscreen counterparts. Seems like they learned from Shannen Doherty's mistakes.

Devious bitches. Catty backstabbers were a dime a dozen in Beverly Hills. Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes), Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord), Jen (Sara Foster), and Vanessa (Arielle Kebbel) are just a few 90210 vixens who did whatever it took to get what they want.

Blasts from the past. 90210 wasn't shy about delving into the franchise's DNA. Not only was main character Silver (Jessica Stroup) introduced in the original series as an infant, but Jennie Garth, Shannen Doherty, Tori Spelling, Anne Gillespie, and Joe E. Tata all reprised their famous roles, giving us updates on all the shit that went down in the 8-year gap between series.

Three's a crowd. While no love triangle will ever beat the notorious decade-long Brenda/Dylan/Kelly saga, the new 90210 came close several times, most notably with Adrianna/Navid/Silver. Adrianna and Navid (Michael Steger) were a considerably stable couple for the first three seasons until Silver intervened. What followed was a year of pill-swapping, baby-stealing, trash-talking rivalry. That's some juicy dramz and that shit gets the Tommy Time seal of approval.

The Beverly Hills of Tomorrow. The original series may have touched upon the social issues like racism, antisemitism, and homophobia, but its core cast almost exclusively belonged to the straight, white, Christian majority. The new series was considerably more progressive: Dixon (Tristan Wilds) was black; Navid represented the large Persian population of the real-world Beverly Hills; and Teddy (Trevor Donovan) came out as gay after a lifetime of womanizing. They even had a Wiccan in Ivy (Gillian Zinser)!

The Bad

No parents? No problem! In the series' early days, the parents played an integral role in its storylines. However, slowly but surely, they began to disappear. Some died, some fled the country, and some were simply just negligent. Moving to Paris was another popular parental method of exit.

Everybody's famous, rich, and successful. These kids sure took advantage of living in the city of angels. Before their 21st birthdays, the gang achieved a level of success everybody else could only dream of. Annie (Shenae Grimes) inherited an actress' entire estate, established a charity, and became a best-selling author. Dixon was a much buzzed-about music producer who set up his own record label. Naomi became a high-profile event planner and the local press's "Beverly Hills bad girl." Liam had a successful stint as a model and action movie star after running a bar at age 18. Even Ivy was so talented a surfer that she was being solicited to go tour the world.

The most indulgent, however, was Adrianna, who started the series as a former child star and struggling actress, became a pop singer, then got a reality show after the world discovered she stole her songs from her dead partner. Then she became a country singer, then a pop star again, then a songwriter, and now she's a pop star again. What have you done with your life?

Silver gets cancer, so she decides to have a baby. Perhaps the most ludicrous storyline is one in which Silver discovers that she has a cancer gene and will need to have her ovaries removed. At the ripe age of 19, she decides to have a baby, because it's now or never. Over a season later, we've seen her struggle to find a donor, almost lose ownership of her eggs, and deal with one bitch of a surrogate, but there's still no baby.

Special Guest Star [fill in the blank]. The CW seemed to love shelling out money for random-ass celebrities to hit up the 90210. Kim and Khloé Kardashian, Nelly, Snoop Dogg, Joe Jonas, LaToya Jackson, Taio Cruz, Olly Murs, Tegan and Sara, Sammy Adams, Denise Richards, and Rita Ora are just a few of the renowned actors to appear on the show.

Back in style. I'm all for paying homage to the original 90210, but the CW reboot often took it too far, creating near carbon copies of storylines from the original series. For example, Dixon's gambling problem was identical to Brandon's (Jason Priestley), and Naomi unknowingly got herself inducted in a cult just like Kelly did.

The Ugly
Naomi's crying face.

Clearly, each episode of 90210 is hit or miss. I'm surprised that a show that does as much wrong as it does right has stayed on the air for so long, but I've truly enjoyed these past five years of fuckery. It it with a bittersweet heart that I say goodbye to Beverly Hills. RIP 90210.

PS I'll take the Beverly Hills, 90210 20-year high school reunion special now plzzz.

Jam of the Week: "Live It Up" by Jennifer Lopez and Pitbull

SUMMER IS OFFICIALLY HERE and there's nothing like a Pitbull-assisted J. Lo dance anthem to kick off the sunny season. The duo is back for a "three-peat," as Pitbull calls it, after 2011's "On the Floor" and 2012's "Dance Again", both of which are undeniable jams. "Live It Up" continues the pattern and will be the jam of not only this week, but of the whole fucking summer. Even if you don't like Jennifer Lopez, you best get on board with this song! Your summer will literally not start until you hear this.

Friday, May 10, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Daisy Duck

Doin' it with sass cuz she's got a big ass.
In a world where animated cunts like Minnie Mouse reign supreme, it's important to celebrate the bitches who keep them in check. The current Bitch of the Week is Daisy Duck, the tragically underrated lady friend of Donald Duck. Sassy, loud, and self-absorbed, Daisy has all the makings of a textbook BoW.

Daisy always makes a grand entrance.
Originally introduced as Donna Duck in 1937, Daisy has been bitching it up with the best of them for decades. Whether she's fighting with Donald, annoying Minnie for her own amusement, or being too vain to comprehend the world around her, Daisy has bitchery down to a fine science. And it's a skill that has proven incredibly useful, as girlfriend has been marginalized time and time again.

You see, in the Disney world, there's this thing called the Fab Five. It's a collective title for the classic characters: Mickey, Minnie, Donald, Goofy, and Pluto. You may be asking yourself, Where's Daisy? That's a good fucking question because I have no idea. The simple truth is the party doesn't start until Daisy rolls in, so that fact that this so-called "Fab" Five thinks it can just ignore her is completely preposterous.

"Oh hey, Daisy! Just having fun without you. Fuck you!"
The most logical explanation for it all is that Daisy is simply too busy to hang around these clowns 24/7. Think about it: Donald's unchivalrous and temperamental demeanor must be exhausting, and being Minnie's best friend must take its toll as well, seeing as how Minnie is a self-centered, attention-seeking whore. In fact, Daisy is a saint for putting up with any of this bullshit at all! Still, she knows how to have a good time and not only add some color to the dull lives of her friends, but entertain millions around the world. I'll leave you with this, my absolutely favorite Daisy Duck cartoons (not as if there are a lot to choose from). Ladies and gentlemen, please enjoy "Daisy's Road Trip".

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Review: Demi by, Well, Demi Lovato

"This time there's NO holding back," Demi Lovato tweeted in April 2012 as she began writing her fourth studio album. In the year that followed, the fallen Disney angel promised fans an ultra-autobiographical record. She even named the damn thing after herself, thus preparing the world for a musical shit storm of daddy issues, substance abuse, and self-harm.

Then, this past Monday, Demi encouraged fans to tweet the album's hashtagged song titles to unlock the tracks; the more they tweeted, the sooner the songs would arrive. Within two hours, Lovatics worldwide had officially unlocked Demi in its entirety, over a week before its official May 14 release date. Premature access to the album was definitely a gift from the gods, a refreshing pop splash in a rather dry spring of music releases. The album is fun and energetic, but one thing is evident right off that bat: it's not the introspective compilation the songstress made it out to be.

Of Demi's thirteen tracks, only the final two might be considered uniquely tailored to her personal life; on the stand-out track "Shouldn't Come Back", Demi sings about severing all ties with her negligent father, while "Warrior" clearly speaks to her experiences with bullying and low self esteem. Not every pop star has a bad relationship with her dad and a self confidence so low that she winds up in rehab for four months, so kudos to Demi for digging deep. The only problem? She's done both songs before on her last album: the former is thematically identical to "For the Love of a Daughter"; the latter is an instantly forgettable sequel to "Skyscraper".

And maybe that's not a bad thing. Demi's third album Unbroken might be her funnest, albeit her least cohesive. Its mosh pit of genres and heavy reliance on guest artists like Jason Derulo, Dev, and Timbaland may indicate a lack of any solid direction, but Unbroken successfully and tastefully differentiated the new, self-empowered Demi from her pre-rehab, "Sonny With a Chance" basic self.

Unfortunately, Demi doesn't continue on the same trajectory. As quite arguably the most underrated pop vocalist of our day, whose singing ability is frequently likened to that of Kelly Clarkson and Christina Aguilera, Demi sure limits herself to the Radio Disney scope. "Something That We're Not" sounds like a One Direction leftover and "Made in the USA" has Miley Cyrus' name written all over it, and not just because of her affinity for patriotic song titles. Even "Really Don't Care", a duet with Cher Lloyd, comes off as the kid sister to Icona Pop's "I Love It".

However, Demi still has a lot to recommend it. Its opening track "Heart Attack" is a former Jam of the Week, so you know that shit's legit. "Without the Love" and "Two Pieces" reaffirm Demi's status as a formidable pop star, and the aforementioned "Shouldn't Come Back" displays an emotional depth and vocal maturity that peers like Miley and Selena Gomez couldn't even begin to attempt.

Though Demi fails to take the singer forward in her musical journey, it proves to be a solid pop album. Those hoping for Taylor Swift-level personal details will be disappointed, but Lovatics will be more than satisfied, and Demi's impressive voice alone is enough to win over new converts.

Cunt of the Week: The Pussycat Dolls (The Ones Who Aren't Nicole Scherzinger)

Pussycat walk.
Pop Quiz: How many Pussycat Dolls can you name? If you're pop culture savvy, you'll know at least Nicole Scherzinger. But do you know any others? Do you even know how many there are? Hopefully, the answer to both those questions is "no."

And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why the Pussycat Dolls are getting Cunt of the Week. Before we delve into more specific reasoning, let me answer the question above. Since the group's musical debut in 2003, twenty-six different girls have called themselves Pussycat Dolls. TWENTY-SIX. And most stayed on for less than a year.

Now, let's backtrack. The Pussycat Dolls was originally a burlesque dance group created by a woman named Robin Antin in 1995. Christina Applegate and Carmen Electra were amongst some of the dancers in the group's early days. Slowly, the Pussycat Dolls began taking over. Bitches were in Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle, P!nk music videos, and racy spreads in mags like Playboy and Maxim. They were on the prowl, and as any Disney Channel star will tell you, the next lesson in World Domination 101 is getting a recording contract.

And in 2003, that's exactly what happened. The Pussycat Dolls, headed by Nicole, hit the music scene. With jams like "Don't Cha", "Stickwitu", and "Buttons", they were a refreshing presence in the ever-changing pop music landscape of the early 2000s. As the girls geared up for 2008 follow-up album, which yielded "When I Grow Up" and "I Hate This Part", they did some major re-shuffling. Basic bitches were replaced by simplistic bitches. And nobody noticed. PCD, as they call themselves, even did a fucking reality show in which they searched for the next Pussycat Doll. But whoever won either quit or was kicked out the group before she even got into the recording studio (a phrase I use metaphorically, because as we'll learn...)

Nicole was doing all the work. She recorded all of the lead vocals, as well as the back-up vocals. The other dolls didn't even step foot in the studio. According to Nicole, they didn't even hear the songs until she had already finished recorded them. In fact, she tried several times to do a solo album (which she eventually did in 2011), but was forced to halt progress on it and use many of her solo songs for the Pussycat Dolls.

Shit truly hit the fan, however, when Nicole started getting credited separately from her so-called band mates; their 2010 single "Jai Ho! (You Are My Destiny)" was released by "The Pussycat Dolls, featuring Nicole Scherzinger." At this point, the other girls were incredibly pressed and started talking to the press like little brats. They even called Nicole out in the middle of concert: "Thank you for supporting me, even if I'm not featured," Basic Bitch #9 Melody Thornton said in 2009 concert performance. "You know what I'm saying?"

Yeah, we know what you're saying. You're saying you're a massive cunt.

To make my point more poignantly, allow me liken PCD's situation to school projects. We all hate that shit, right? Because you always end up doing ALL the fucking work while your group mates sit around with their thumbs up their asses and then reap the benefits of all your hard work when the teacher gives you all an 'A'. Well here's poor Nicole, working her ass off to record six girls' worth of vocals, launches them all to international stardom, and then she has to share the spotlight with a band of ungrateful cunts, who throw fits when Nicole is finally recognized in the way she deserves.

Luckily, the group disbanded in 2010 and has yet to make a comeback. Robin Antin claims she is actively looking for a new crop of girls, but Nicole Scherzinger and any of the other twenty-five hoes who were attached to the group at one point or another won't be a part of that.

So, I implore all of you, my faithful readers, to listen to the Pussycat Dolls, enjoy the undeniable jams they've provided us, and say to yourself, "Wow, that Nicole sure is great!"

Monday, May 6, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Let the Groove Get In" by Justin Timberlake

It's no secret that I was initially disappointed with Justin Timberlake's lackluster return to the music scene after a six-year hiatus. "Suit & Tie" deterred me from his new material so much that I avoided The 20/20 Experience like the fucking plague.

However, I recently GOT THE ENTIRE ALBUM because I didn't like being left out and the never-ending airplay of "Mirrors" made me think that maybe there was something more to JT's album. And boy is there! In general, The 20/20 Experience is better when played sequentially, and thus stand-out tracks are hard to pick. But the spicy Latin-infused "Let the Groove Get In" is super fun, and if it didn't already score your Cinco de Mayo, let it be the soundtrack to this coming week.

Saturday, May 4, 2013

Where Are They Now?: Lalaine

Figure it out on the way.
Remember that one time Lizzie McGuire had a best friend? Remember how she was a total bitch because she developed overnight eating disorders, wore chop sticks in her hair, and totally cock blocked Lizzie and Gordo for three years? And remember how she randomly up and left because she had shit to do in Mexico City? (Or maybe it was New Mexico. Honestly, dgaf!)

Well, it seems like Miranda Sanchez disappeared just as randomly as her offscreen counterpart, Lalaine Vergara-Paras. (Who knew she had a last name?) But Tommy Time doesn't like to let Disney Channel flops slip through the cracks, so let's take a closer look as to where she's been lately. But to look at the present, one must first look at the past.

Where she's been
Lalaine decided from an early age that she was a prodigy, and like Madonna, Cher, and Prince, she figured she could get away with only using her first name. Her whole career consists of a whole lot of nothing except her aforementioned portrayal of middle school cunt Miranda Sanchez on Lizzie McGuire. However, when Lalaine got a little too big for her britches, Hilary Duff made sure that bitch was canned. Consequently, Lalaine missed the final six episodes of the series AND the movie, which tbh should have won at least seven Oscars, including Best Original Song for "What Dreams Are Made Of (Hey Now)" and Best Actress for Hilary Duff's Italian Accent as Isabella.

After that, good ole L had pretty much nothing to do. She attempted a singing career, but unless you count her rendition of "Cruella DeVil" as a thing, nothing really materialized from it. She filmed a pilot for a Lizzie McGuire spin-off called What's Stevie Thinking. Once again, Lalaine would have played the supporting role of Miranda while Selena Gomez was cast as her younger sister, Stevie. Luckily, that shit didn't pan out. Since then, all Lalaine has really done is get arrested for meth possession and play "Gossipy Girl" for a hot second in Easy A. And we all know that from that film, (1) Emma Stone came out the star and (2) Amanda Bynes emerged the hot mess. So where does that leave Lalaine?

Where she is now
I can only image that Lalaine currently spends her days writing and recording songs that she's sure will become instant #1's. Some titles have probably included, "(Hey Now, Hey Now) I'll Show You What Dreams Are Made Of, Bitch!", "Is That Hilary With One L or Two?", and "Where's MY Animated Counterpart?" In between coke binges and and unrequited sexual advances toward Kyle Massey and other Disney alumni, Lalaine stalks Hilary, hoping to slay her, wear her skin, and take on her role as mother, wife, and actress/singer/author/everythingunderthesun.

Every once in a while, she'll call Disney and leaves the same message:
Hey! It's Lalaine again. I think you accidentally deleted my last message. That's okay, though. I was just thinking about it, you know, just casually, and I think we could TOTALLY still do What's Stevie Thinking. Selena isn't too old for it, she can so still pass for 13. But if you're skeptical, we can just do What's Miranda Thinking! I think it was hard on the fans when she just disappeared without explanation. They deserve to know what she's up to.
And we don't even need Hilary! I mean, if you want to get her, we could, I guess. I'm totally open. But we could also just say Lizzie died in a fiery plane crash or Gordo murdered her and their unborn child. You know, maybe she got kidnapped by the Mexican drug cartel and they cut her body into little pieces and sold it on the black market. I'm just spitballing here. And maybe we could get Brad Pitt to play Miranda's husband. But, you know, whatever. Like I said, it was just a really casual random idea that popped into my head. But I think it could really go somewhere. So just let me know! Thanks guys!
Needless to say, that shit goes unanswered. Poor thing.

Let us see not view Lalaine as a tragedy, but rather a cautionary tale. Bella Thorne, take note! Disney stars should never use only their first name unless they EARN it (i.e. Raven), nor should they piss off Hilary Duff. The end.