Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #7

No.

Thing I Love #7: Color Coding

Is there anything more satisfying than having something organized by color? Not only is it a fun activity to do the actual color coding, but the results are pretty! I'm a firm believer in color coding everything possible.

Thing I Hate #7: Little Monsters

Lady Gaga's fan base is absolutely out of fucking control. Seriously, they need to be hosed down. They've always been unbearable, but ever since the epic "Roar" vs. "Applause" saga of 2013, little monsters have been rearing their ugly little heads in unprecedented racist and homophobic (ironic) ways. Stfu, thanks!

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

What You Maybe Didn't Know About Britney's Singles

All eyes on me.
The Britney Army has their eyes on September 17, the heavily rumored date for the lead single from Britney's next album. (A countdown on Britney's official website promises something big will happen on that day.) In anticipation of the song that will likely slay us all, here is a fun fact for each of Britney's timeless jams.
  1. "...Baby One More Time" was originally written for TLC, but they rejected it. Britney fell in love with the song the minute she heard the demo, and her label lauded it as well, only requesting that "hit me" be removed from the title.
  2. "Sometimes" was the subject of a lawsuit when songwriter Steve Wallace claimed he had written the song in 1990 but didn't copyright it until 2003, four years after Britney registered her own copyright for it. Emails Wallace produced in court in which Britney admitted to having stolen the song were considered fake, and Steve lost the lawsuit. #Don'tMessWithBritney
  3. "(You Drive Me) Crazy" was remixed for its single release, and "The Stop! Remix" was included on the soundtrack for the 1999 film Drive Me Crazy. The film's stars, Melissa Joan Hart and Adrian Grenier, appear in the song's music video.
  4. Britney recorded three versions of "Born to Make You Happy". The first contained lyrics that she deemed too inappropriate for her target audience. After the song was rewritten, Britney recorded two sets of vocals; the second were used for the official album version of the song, while the first were used as a bonus remix.
  5. The music video for "From the Bottom of My Broken Heart" was meant to rehaul Britney's naughty school girl image. Her record label wanted a story-oriented and emotionally-driven clip with no choreography.
  6. With a budget of $750,000 (over $1 million when adjusted for inflation), "Oops!... I Did It Again" remains one of the most expensive music videos of all time.
  7. "Lucky" is frequently cited by critics as one of Britney's finest moments and is often credited with predicting her later struggles with fame.
  8. "Stronger" is allegedly aimed at Britney's management and label, who were criticized by the media for micromanaging her career at the time.
  9. "Don't Let Me Be the Last to Know" was written by Shania Twain. 
  10. The albino Burmese python Britney danced with while flawlessly performing "I'm a Slave 4 U" at the 2001 MTV Music Awards is named Banana. Britney was reportedly terrified of the snake but went ahead with the performance anyway.
  11. Though the album version of "Overprotected" was released, music video and all, Britney's label quickly commissioned a hop-hop remix and a new video, hoping it would improve the song's commercial performance.
  12. "I'm Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman" was originally recorded for the Crossroads soundtrack but used for Britney's third album instead.
  13. While promoting the single release of her version of "I Love Rock 'n' Roll", Britney mistakenly attributed the song to Pat Benatar instead of Joan Jett. #awkward
  14. "Anticipating" was only released in France.
  15. Like "I'm a Slave 4 U", "Boys" was originally written for Janet Jackson, who is one of Britney's biggest influences. In the song, Britney sings "get nasty," which alludes to Janet's hit single "Nasty".
  16. "Me Against the Music" was never intended to feature Madonna, but after Britney played a finished version of the track for her, Madonna added in her own verses.
  17. "Toxic", which was originally offered to Kylie Minogue, won Britney her first Grammy.
  18. Britney wrote the lyrics to "Everytime" by herself. While it is common knowledge that the song focuses on her former relationship with Justin Timberlake, Britney wrote it in direct response to his music video for "Cry Me a River", which featured a Britney lookalike, and several interviews in which Justin divulged private details of their relationship.
  19. Britney suffered a knee injury on the set of the music video for "Outrageous" and had to undergo arthroscopic surgery. As a result, the video, which featured scenes with Snoop Dogg, was never completed.
  20. Both Kevin Federline and Britney's brother Bryan make appearances in the music video for "My Prerogative".
  21. Britney had to fight with her record label to get "Do Somethin'" released as a single.
  22. Britney is the sole writer credited for "Someday (I Will Understand)", a song about feeling empowered as a pregnant woman, which she penned two weeks before learning she was expecting her first child.
  23. The original version of "And Then We Kiss" was recorded for In the Zone, but it didn't make the cut. It was considered once again for the Britney & Kevin: Chaotic EP, but was left out for unknown reasons. A remixed version of the song appears on B in the Mix: The Remixes in 2005, and the original version leaked online six years later.
  24. Britney initially did not want to include the line, "It's Britney, bitch," on "Gimme More".
  25. Bloodyshy & Avant wrote "Piece of Me" after witnessing the singer's relationship with the paparazzi firsthand, even though they were aware of an "unwritten rule" that the label would not accept songs regarding Britney's personal life.
  26. "Break the Ice" was selected as the third single from Blackout after it won 39% of votes in a fan poll.
  27. "Womanizer" is Britney's best selling digital single in the United States.
  28. Entire sequences of Britney walking the tight rope in the "Circus" music video were never included in the final cut.
  29. "If U Seek Amy" is by far Britney's most controversial song, as a bunch of tight-ass motherfuckers couldn't handle its double entendre. As a result, the version you're most likely to hear on the radio is "If U See Amy".
  30. "Radar" appears on both Blackout and Circus. Originally intended to be released as a single from Blackout, those plans were scrapped and it was released as a single from Circus in order to fulfill contractual obligations with the song's producers.
  31. Britney broke hella records with "3", and at the time of the release, it was the first song in three years and first non-American Idol song in eleven years to debut at #1 on the Billboard Hot 100.
  32. "Hold It Against Me" was originally written for Katy Perry, but its writers decided it was better suite for Britney.
  33. "Till the World Ends" not only features Ke$ha on its remix, but was also written by the "Tik Tok" singer as well.
  34. When Britney lent her vocals to the remixed version of Rihanna's "S&M", it marked the first time the singer was ever featured on another artist's song. Bitch plays hard to get!
  35. "I Wanna Go" was selected as the third single off of Femme Fatale after receiving 38% of fan votes in an online poll.
  36. The music video for "Criminal" stars Britney's then-boyfriend Jason Trawick.
  37. "Scream & Shout" is one of three known songs recorded by Britney and will.i.am. The other two, "Big Fat Bass" and another track, were both recorded for Femme Fatale, but only the former made the cut. will.i.am is the executive producer of Britney's upcoming album, so expect more collaborations between the two.
  38. Britney's management and label advised her not to record "Ooh La La" for The Smurfs 2, but she insisted because her sons were such big fans of the film.

Monday, August 26, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Wrecking Ball" by Miley Cyrus


Miley's next album Bangerz (........) is just around the corner, and even though "We Can't Stop" is still dominating radio airwaves, girlfriend is dropping new music like a wrecking ball.

That's right! The second single from the album, "Wrecking Ball", has dropped in full, and it's a total jam. It's a bit slower and refreshingly free from cocaine references, so it's already a nice change of pace from "We Can't Stop". What's more is that it sounds a bit like old pop-rock-still-kind-of-a-role-model Miley, not this new I-only-listen-to-urban-music Miley.

Check it out and listen for yourself!

Sunday, August 25, 2013

A Few Thoughts on the MTV Music Video Awards

This week, on "Hannah Montana"...
This year's MTV VMAs had everything. Miley Cyrus made everybody unformfortable. Lady Gaga gave everybody nightmares. And Taylor Swift told One Direction and their fans to shut the fuck up. If you're ready to get fucked in the brain, keep reading...

Friday, August 23, 2013

Best News of the Week: Demi Lovato Joins Glee, Will Slay You With Brilliant Covers

"Don't stop believin'!"
Glee just got a whole lot better!

After several days of speculation, Fox has officially announced that Demi Lovato is joining the cast of Glee for its upcoming fifth season, which kicks of September 26 with a two-part Beatles tribute. It's her first acting gig since she ditched Sonny With a Chance for rehab back in 2010.

Not much is known about the role except that she will be playing Dani, a fellow NYADA student, who befriends Rachel (Lea Michele) and Santana (Naya Rivera). Demi will reportedly duet with both Naya and Adam Lambert, who also joins the cast this season.

Demi's first appearance will be in the second part of the aforementioned Beatles tribute, after which the show will air its tribute episode to Cory Monteith and take an extended hiatus.

This is fucking amazing for multiple reasons. First of all, it means more Demi jams. I'm eager to hear what she'll sing! (Although it is a bit weird that she's coming onto the show now, after they covered one of her songs last season. That's a bit too meta for me.)

Secondly, Glee airs alongside The X Factor, on which Demi is still a judge, on Thursday nights, meaning Fox is clearly run by Lovatics. (But who am I kidding? Without Britney, there's no reason to watch The X Factor.)

So everybody just buckle the fuck up, because Demi is taking over.

Monday, August 19, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Holy Grail" by Jay-Z & Justin Timberlake


Although I generally try to stay away from Jay-Z, it's hard to ignore him altogether, as he duets with some pretty fabulous people. This time around, it's Justin Timberlake on a song called "Holy Grail". It's been blasting on the radio all summer, and now it's finally getting Jam of the Week.

Now sit back, relax, listen to the music, and sip your cup 'til it runneth over.

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About Aladdin

  1. Aladdin was pitched alongside two other projects: an adaptation of Swan Lake and King of the Jungle, which eventually became The Lion King.
  2. Traditionally, the tale of Aladdin takes place in China, but variations of the story are found in many Eastern cultures.
  3. Early drafts of the script called for two genies, one in the lamp and one in a ring. That would be just too much Robin Williams to handle! He did, however, also voice the Merchant seen at the beginning of the film. Originally, it was going to be revealed that the Merchant and the Genie were one and the same!
  4. Aladdin wasn't always an orphan. His mother was featured in early drafts of the script, and Aladdin was 13 as opposed to 18. A song called "Proud of Your Boy" was written to convey the loving relationship between mother and son. Eventually, both her cut from the film, although Clay Aiken has since released his own version of the song.
  5. Aladdin's appearance was modeled after Tom Cruise while his personality was inspired by a young Harrison Ford. Jafar was based on fellow Disney villain Maleficent.
  6. Patrick Stewart was originally offered the role of Jafar, but had to turn it down due to scheduling conflicts with Star Trek: The Next Generation.
  7.  The gag in which a neon "Applause" sign appears over Genie after he sings "Friend Like Me" was added as a joke after test audiences did not clap after the songs.
  8. "A Whole New World" is the only Disney song to date to top the Billboard Hot 100.
  9. Jafar was originally going to be an irritable character until the filmmakers decided a calm villain would be scarier. Similarly, Iago the parrot was British, calm, and serious before becoming the squawking comic relief he is in the film.
  10. Robin Williams ad-libbed much of Genie's dialog, amounting to almost 16 hours of material. He was initially hesitant to accept the role, but changed his mind after producers showed him a reel of his stand-up comedy set to the film's animation. John Candy, Steve Martin, and Eddie Murphy were also considered for the role.
  11. Aladdin is noted for its various controversies. The American-Arab Anti-Defamation League protested the "Arabian Nights" lyrics, "Where they cut off your ear if they don't like your face." The lyrics were changed to "Where it's flat and immense and the heat is intense" for the VHS release in 1993. Additionally, audience members claimed to have heard Aladdin say "Good teenagers, take off your clothes" while shooing away Rajah the tiger. The actual line, according to Disney is, "Good kitty, take off and go." The DVD release replaced the line altogether with "Down kitty."
  12. Brad Kane, who provides Aladdin's singing voice, was originally going to do his speaking voice as well, until the role was given to Scott Weinger, aka Steve from Full House, at the last minute.
  13. Linda Larkin's voice was considered too high to play Jasmine, and she was almost fired halfway through recording her dialog because some of the filmmakers did not believe she sounded forceful or regal enough.
  14. The film was only the fourteenth in history (and first animated film) to gross more than $200 million.
  15. Animator Glen Keane watched footage of M.C. Hammer to properly illustrate the movement of Aladdin's puffy pants.
  16. Halfway through producers, Disney head Jeffrey Katzenberg was dissatisfied with the film and demanded that the filmmakers scrap everything and start over. He refused to move the film's release date, forcing directors to turn out a new plot and screenplay in just eight days. The event has since been called Black Friday.
  17. Jasmine's light blue outfit (often darkened to turquoise in merchandise) is meant to symbolize water, the rarest and most precious resource one can find in the desert.
  18. Many of Gilbert Gottfried's mannerisms were incorporated into the animation for his character Iago, including his squinting eyes.
  19. Robin Williams was payed scale (the lowest possible paycheck) for his work on the film, contingent on the agreement that his name and the Genie character would not drive the film's marketing campaign. When both ended up happening, Williams had a falling out with Disney and Dan Castellaneta (the voice of Homer Simpson) took over the role for the second film and television series. Robins later returned for the third and final film.
  20. A Broadway adaptation of the film is currently in the works, following the footsteps of Beauty and the Beast, The Lion King, The Little Mermaid, Tarzan, and Mary Poppins.

Monday, August 12, 2013

You Know What's Definitely NOT the Jam of the Week?


Lady Gaga's new single, "Applause".

My hatred for this gimmicky bitch has been well-documented, but with the sheer amount of anticipation surrounding her triumphant return to music, even I was expecting something that I might actually like.

It turns out "Applause" is one of the worst songs I've ever heard, Gaga or otherwise. Hopefully the rest of the world feels the same way and we won't just send her straight to the top of the charts for simply because she's Lady Gaga.

Jam of the Week: "Roar" by Katy Perry


Katy Perry is hanging up her colorful wigs and candy-coated gimmicks for what she promises will be a darker and more personal album. The first single, "Roar", has officially made it's debut, and although it took me a few listens to appreciate it, it's clear that this song is an absolute smash.

Sunday, August 11, 2013

A Few Thoughts on the Teen Choice Awards

I could cry at this glory.
The Teen Choice Awards are my absolute jam, simply because they pay tribute to the glossy, trashy pop culture that I find so appealing. This year's ceremony was especially enticing, for a myriad of reasons, which I will get into after the jump! #TearsForLeaAhead

Friday, August 9, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Kim Kardashian

Stay pressed.
First Kourtney, then Khloé. Finally, Kim Kardashian gets to join the ranks of her sisters as Bitch of the Week. It's about fucking time! Often heralded as one of the stupidest people alive and the bane of pop culture, I would argue that Kim is one of the most intelligent and influential people to ever walk this earth because she understands the art of bitchery like she understands how to use a compass for baby-naming purposes.

At a young age, Kim knew that she was destined to not only make Armenians a pop culturally relevant race, but also to achieve the pinnacle of fame: being famous for just being you! Slowly but surely, Kim was making her way. Her dad was famous for getting OJ Simpson off the hook, her stepdad was an Olympic gold medalist, and she had a secret marriage under her belt at age 19. Bitch was concocting the perfect recipe for fame. Then came the Hilton era.

When frenemy Paris Hilton beat her to the punch with a sex tape and reality show, Kim knew she had to fight fire with fire. So she filmed her own sex tape, which led to her own reality show. And whereas Paris ditched sister Nicky, Kim understood there was strength in numbers, and took all 112 members of the Kardashian clan with her on her journey to stardom.

And the world has never been the same. With each passing year comes a new Kardashian spin-off and another reason that Kim is one of the most famous people on the planet. Now she's not only a socialite and reality star, but she's an actress, a singer, and most importantly, a businesswoman.

But chronicling Kim's successes cannot overshadow one very big failure: her marriage to neanderthal Kris Humphries, which infamously lasted 72 days. Should Kim have thought twice about marrying a guy with the same name as her own mother? Sure. But do I think it's fake? Absolutely not. As with most bitches, Kim abides by the rule that if something isn't working out to your liking, you quit!

Besides, if Kim didn't file for divorce, she wouldn't have been free to start a family with her male ego equivalent, Kanye West. Currently, Kim is in hiding so that her post-birth pictures will be worth more. Bitchery at it's finest.


Before we conclude, let's take a look at some fun quotes, shall we?
  • On her love for the sun: "I love the sun but don't have time to get a good tan and keep it year-round, so I am a huge fan of tanning products."
  • On her love for nephew Mason: "Let's just say that Mason is the best birth control ever. I'm definitely happy to wait for a while."
  • On the one time Beliebers lost their shit: "Is that not ridiculous that people thought that Justin Bieber and I were on a vacation together, on a romantic vacation, in the bahamas, and I just happened to wear a gown as my swimsuit and red lips and he's dressed in a suit in the ocean? Seriously, who would walk to the beach like that?"
  • On her proud heritage: "I am Armenian, so of course I am obsessed with laser hair removal! Arms, bikini, leg, underarms... my entire body is hairless!"
  • On her career goals: "I want to be a teacher."
  • On her preference for cable television vs. network: "The perfect date for me would be staying at home, making a big picnic in bed, eating Wotsits and cookies while watching cable TV." 
  • On Paris Hilton: "If Paris Hilton thinks my butt looks gross, I really don't care. At least I have a butt."
  • On global crises: "I hate when women wear the wrong foundation color. It might be the worst thing on the planet when they wear their makeup too light."
  • On politics: "[Barack Obama] just seemed very firm about the change, and that's, like, his motto."
 And, of course, my personal favorite.

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Throwback Thursday: Tommy Picks the Best of Glee, Season 3

Remember when the main cast had 400 people in it?
In the past few months, I've selected the best Glee performances of Seasons 1 and 2, and with the third season just around the corner, it's high time to continue the praise. The show's third season was more Broadway-heavy than its predecessors, but that doesn't mean there weren't some absolute jams. In fact, some of my favorite Glee songs come from this season. (The fact that Blaine sang like everything didn't hurt, either!) So let's delve into the Best of Glee, Season 3!

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Adrienne Bailon

I didn't know trash bags counted as swimwear.
Our reigning Cunt of the Week is none other than Adrienne Bailon, whom you might better know as the Latina Cheetah Girl or the name on Rob Kardashian's ribcage. The trouble is, Adrienne did so well for so long. Sure, she made some mistakes along the way, but I would never have gone as far as to call her a cunt. Until yesterday when she committed perhaps the most egregious of Tommy Time crimes. But we'll get to that in a bit.

Adrienne Bailon was part of the girl group 3LW, which was basically a wannabe Destiny's Child, only there was more diversity and less talent. The group also included fellow future Cheetah Girl Kiely Williams and some basic bitch named Naturi Naughton. After a few modest hits, Naturi quit when she and the other girls were involved in an altercation involving KFC food. I shit you not. That anecdote, in all its racism, is true. And I bet it was Adrienne who through the first drumstick.

Naturi's departure pretty much spelled the end for 3LW, and Adrienne and Kiely went on to star in The Cheetah Girls. Adrienne played the whiny, pressed-as-fuck Chanel, who wore faux fur vests and constantly tried to dethrone Raven as alpha bitch of the fictional cheetahlicious girl group, which eventually became a Raven-less real-life pop group with Adrienne, Kiely, and Sabrina Bryan. But you can guess where that took them: not very fucking far. When your group's first album is called Cheetahlicious Christmas, you know you're doomed.

Here's where shit goes down and Adrienne started showing her true cunt colors. After two failed group efforts, she somehow thought she'd be better off going solo! Not so, bitch. Not so. In case you're wondering, Adrienne's debut album has been four years in the making and it's nowhere closer to getting done than it was when it started. So naturally, to keep herself in the limelight, Adrienne decided she was also a television personality and tried to get herself as a guest host on every talk show imaginable.

And when that wasn't enough, bitch thought she could marry into the Kardashian family! That's right! She took one look at Kim K and was like, "Yeah, me too!" She somehow convinced Rob Kardashian to date her, which he did, and he even got a Texas-sized tattoo of her name. Obviously, he wasn't in his right mind, and reality television cameras were there to capture Adrienne in all her cuntitude.

There was the time she forced the Kardashians to tone it down for her conservative family, the time she had the nerve to give Kourtney acting advice, or my personal favorite, the time when she told Rob that she would be leaving in a few weeks to film The Cheetah Girls 3 in India for three months. #GirlfriendOfTheYear. Thankfully, the relationship ended soon after. Rumor has it that Rob cheated, but who can blame him!

[Side note: sometime during all this hoopla, bitch had some nude pictures leak in a horribly misguided attempt to be Vanessa Hudgens.]

But all these acts of fuckery are just bitch shit. Here's where it gets REALLY cunty. Continuing her habit of not doing anything worthwhile, Adrienne is apparently one of the hosts of The Real, a talk show you just know is gonna get canceled soon enough. This week, she took a major swipe at the Legendary Miss Britney Spears. She said:
Britney Spears needs to call Miley Cyrus' stylist ASAP! I worked with her on X Factor. I'm not gonna lie, you guys. She can't hold a conversation! Like they have somebody feed her what she's supposed to say.
Luckily, some of the other hosts, including one of the Mowry twins, came to Brit's defense.

All I have to say to Miss Bailon is this: did it ever occur to you that Britney has no idea who the fuck you are and has nothing to say to your sorry ass?

After facing the wrath of the Britney Army, Adrienne tweeted this:
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a surefire way to get Cunt of the Week. Well done, Adrienne!

Mm.

Monday, August 5, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Summertime Sadness"


As Lana Del Rey continues on her trajectory to well-deserved fame and success, I find myself at a crossroads: I can be happy that this artist that I've enjoyed for so long is finally finding her place in the mainstream public's consciousness, or I can be bitter that one of my little-known gems is now beloved by millions thousands, who will claim they've been fans all along. While I make up my mind (I'm leaning toward the latter), I think it's time to give LDR another Jam of the Week.

"Summertime Sadness" has been blowing up airwaves all summer, and it's what has been propelling Lana into stardom. The problem? The version you're hearing on the radio is a remix, and while it's fun in its own right, it completely obliterates the dramatic theatrical elements that make Lana so great. So this Jam of the Week is all about spreading awareness for the original, flawless version of the song. Enjoy!

Saturday, August 3, 2013

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #6

That's kosher.
Thing I Love #6: Jewish Boys

It's been a lifelong love, and it's only been enabled by this list.

Thing I Hate #6: Pedestrians When I'm Driving

Excuse me, but I'm trying to get somewhere! You chose to walk, so you can't be in that much of a hurry, and so wherever I'm going is more important and thus I should have the right of way! I have places to be and people to see, so move you're ratchet ass out of my way! Don't crawl across the crosswalk at the pace of an ailing, elderly snail.

Special shoutout to you dipshits on bikes: get the fuck out of my lane, thanks!

Friday, August 2, 2013

Oh Snap! Raven Officially Comes Out as a Lesbian

Pride.
What joyous news! Raven-Symoné has officially come out as a flannel-wearing, Subaru-driving, softball-playing, Indigo Girls-listening lesbian! Holla for that.

But lesbihonest, it's not as if we didn't see this one coming. The ultra-private actress has never discussed her persona life. In 2011, after rumors began swirling that Raven played for the other team, the former Disney star tweeted:
I’m living my PERSONAL life the way I’m happiest. I’m not one, in my 25 year career to disclose who I’m dating. and I shall not start now. My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I’m datings to know. I’m not one for a public display of my life. However that is my right as a HUMAN BEing whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I’m not harming anyone. I am a light being made from love. And my career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses.
So she pretty much flew out of the closet then. But everybody was too busy calling Zac Efron and the JoBros gay that nobody even realized that the first gay Disney star was staring us right in the face! But her tweet today should clear up any confusion:
And there you have it! Good for you, Raven! Now we know why Raven Baxter couldn't hold onto a man to save her life.

Come and get it, ladies.