Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Cunt of the Week: Tina Cohen-Chang

#notcute #tryingtoohard

Gleeks are quite possibly the hardest television fans to satisfy. In fact, nobody hates Glee more than gleeks. If you peruse through the interwebs, you'll find a myriad of complaints about the show. And as expected (or not, depending on how you look at it), a lot of them have to do with the Cunt of the Week, Tina Cohen-Chang. Why doesn't Tina have more solos? They've ruined Tina's character! She never gets any screen time. Blah blah fucking blah!

When the show begins, Tina is a friendless Asian goth who sings "I Kissed a Girl" and pulls a pelvic thrust/thigh slap during her audition for the glee club. Okay, that's fine. She gets in and starts speaking with a stutter. Again, it's whatever, neither here nor there. But then, Tina starts dating Artie, the paraplegic, and reveals that she doesn't actually have a stutter, and simply used it to keep others at bay. Artie breaks up with her but they reconcile. Soon after, she became a martyr for dressing however you want at McKinley. At this point, I was over Tina. But she wasn't a cunt. She was innocuous. She was, as Sue Sylvester put it, the Asian. And we were all fine with that.

It's not until the second season when she starts showing her true colors (lolz, a joke for gleeks). Her wardrobe goes from goth to punk. She breaks up with Artie and starts dating "other Asian," Mike Chang. By the third season, she's dressing like a fucking gogo dancer and bitches non-stop about not getting any solos. She constantly antagonizes the true star, Rachel Berry, though they become friends right before Rachel graduates. I know what you're thinking. What gives Tina the right to be such a heartbreaker?

In the fourth season, Tina's cuntitude is in full force. She literally bitches non-stop about solos and roles in musicals and all this other bullshit. Then she falls in love with Blaine, a very openly gay glee club member. On one hand, it's like, girl we've all been there. Who hasn't fallen for someone who couldn't possibly reciprocate the feeling? On the other hand, get it the fuck together, Tina. He's gay and wears bowties to school. Luckily, Tina eventually accepts this and settles for being his friend.

In the fifth season, Tina campaigns for prom queen but is total fucking cunt about it. She turns down a charitable invite to the dance by resident hottie Sam simply because he wasn't nominated for king. She's awful, which is why when she gets Carried and a bloody red slushi gets dumped on her when she accepts her crown, it's hard to feel bad for her. And after Finn dies (RIP Cory Monteith!), and Tina's biggest problem is she doesn't want to wear black to mourn the loss because she worked so hard to move past her goth days, you just want to cut the bitch.

Don't get me wrong. While I hate Tina, I feel bad for Jenna Ushkowitz, the actress who plays her. Jenna was one of the original cast members, and not only does she get shoved into the background more and more each time a new cast member is added, but they made her character a spiteful, callous cunt. Luckily the bitch is supposed to graduate soon, and we might finally be rid of Tina once and for all. One Glee problem down, 417 more to go.

Monday, October 28, 2013

It's Britney, Witch!

Britney Spears participated this GIF-tastic Halloween video and it's #lulz all around.

Jam of the Week: "Still Into You" by Paramore

I've always hated Paramore because Hayley Williams is an annoying troll and the band is indirectly responsible for tainting the first Glee tribute episode to Britney Spears. I wasn't even really sure what their music was... I knew they had a song in Twilight, and that's hardly a recommendation.

BUT they've finally crossed over to Top 40 radio, and that's something that gets my attention. "Still Into You" is all about a love that shouldn't work but does. It has hardcore Paramore fans split, but it definitely gets the Tommy Time seal of approval. #Jam

Friday, October 25, 2013

Bitch of the Week: The Daughters of Triton

Strength in numbers.

With each passing day, it seems like the public fascination with Disney Princesses grows by two-fold. And don't get me wrong, I support that shit. But what about those Disney characters who are just as deserving of all the love? Specifically, what about the other princesses who are often ignored simply because they aren't part of the official line up? More specifically, what about the Daughters of King Triton?

As Ariel's other sisters, these six mermaids are all at least one step closer to the throne than Ariel, and are therefore are a little more royal than Ariel. But nobody cares because they don't have an interest in the human world. I bet they have pretty cool hobbies, but we'll never find out.

So what makes Aquata, Arista, Andrina, Atina, Alana, and Adella Bitch of the Week material? Well, let's start with their fun-as-fuck musical number in The Little Mermaid. It may be brief, but it shows that they all yearn for the limelight and command the stage, both of which are important traits for BoWs.

Secondly, there's their general appearance. Not to throw any shade at Ariel or anything, but girlfriend does not know how to match her shells to her fin. At least her sisters have that shit on lock, and they style their hair with chic sea accessories, something Ariel could also benefit from.

Over the years, we've learned a lot about these sisters, and much of that information contradicts one another. The eldest sister changes so often it's hard to keep track of, not that we can really remember which one is which anyway. The animated TV series randomly made one of the sisters overweight.

And The Little Mermaid 3: Ariel's Beginning really fucked things up when it attempted to give the sisters individual personalities. I mean, it was fun to learn that one of them is boy crazy and another doesn't like to dance, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. I want to know what makes these girls tick. What are their insecurities? What are their talents aside from singing? Were any of them touched as children? (It may seem irreverent, but it is important!)

While we'll never learn the answers to these questions, we can still celebrate what we know about these girls, which is that they are simply the bitchiest mermaids around. Ariel knew she couldn't take the heat so she got out of the ocean. Bow down to the Daughters of Triton!

Monday, October 21, 2013

This or That (or That): The Miley/Demi/Selena Showdown of 2013

They're all pretty fucking content with themselves.

So basically for like all of 2013, I've been talking about how pretty much every pop princess is doing whatever it takes to be alpha bitch of the music scene. And while Britney is going to slay all these bitches come December 3, one cannot deny that there are several contenders deserving of second place.

Three horses in the running — Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and Selena Gomez —are also involved in their own competition (or so I'd like to think) to see who can come out as the most successful Disney star. So, in a special edition of This or That, let's take a closer to look to see who came out on top.

Jam of the Week: "Unconditionally" by Katy Perry

Katy Perry's third album (fourth, if you count her Jesus freak album that sold 100 copies) Prism drops tomorrow, and while lead single "Roar" quickly lost its novelty and promo tracks like "Dark Horse" and "Walking On Air" failed to impress altogether, the latest song to debut off the album has just what it takes to be a Jam of the Week.

"Unconditionally", said to have been inspired by John Mayer, is all about loving someone uninhibitedly. As per usual, Katy hardly offers anything new or groundbreaking, but it's still a fun song to listen to! Unfortunately, the amazing song comes coupled with a ratchet lyric video that's trying too hard to be simplistic and lesbian-friendly. Just ignore that and focus on the music!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

20 Things You Didn't Know About Batman

  1. Though Bob Kane is credited with the creation of the Batman character, his right-hand man Bill Finger actually came up with the idea. Kane often relied on Finger to do most of the work and never received credit. Eventually, Finger left Kane's employment and worked for DC Comics directly and created characters like the Green Lantern.
  2. Batman debuted in 1939, but key elements of his mythos came later. The city of Gotham City was introduced in 1940 (with Batman having previously lived in Superman's Metropolis or just New York City), the Bat-Signal didn't come until 1942, and the Batcave finally made its first appearance in 1948.
  3. While Batman is known for never killing anyone or using firearms, the character did both in his early years.
  4. Robin was originally supposed to be a one-time character, but his debut issue in 1940 sold double what a typical issue sold, so they kept Robin around.
  5. Batgirl was created specifically for the 1960s TV show. Producers requested that the comic books come up with a female counterpart to the Caped Crusader, who they could then use in the show, which was in dire need of a ratings boost. The character appeared in both mediums in 1967. Her popularity on the TV show was impressive enough to almost get her a spin-off series, but couldn't save the show itself. It was canceled in 1978.
  6. In 2012, Forbes estimated Bruce Wayne's fortune at $6.9 billion, making him the eighth richest fictional character.
  7. In the 1950s and 60s, Batman stories shifted from a dark, violent tone to a lighter one that many called "camp" and associated with gay culture, a theory propelled in 1954 by psychiatrist Fredric Wertham, who often protested comics and the effects of mass media on children.
  8. Before Michael Keaton was cast as the lead in Tim Burton's Batman, the direction and Warner Bros. had considered Alec Baldwin, Mel Gibson, Kevin Costner, Charlie Sheen, Pierce Brosnan, Tom Selleck, and Bill Murray for the role.
  9. Sean Young was originally cast as Vicki Vale in Batman but was forced to pull out after breaking her arm one week before filming. The actress auditioned for the role of Catwoman in the sequel, Batman Returns, and even wore a homemade costume on various talk shows to campaign for the role. Thankfully, it didn't work and Michelle Pfeiffer was cast.
  10. Prince was contracted to write two songs for Batman, but loved the film so much that he wrote an entire soundtrack, which was eventually scrapped altogether.
  11. Robin Williams turned down the role of the Riddler in Batman Forever because he felt it wasn't funny enough. The role eventually went to Jim Carrey.
  12. After Batman & Robin was panned by critics and was financially unsatisfying, Warner Bros. scrapped a fifth film that would have featured the Scarecrow and Harley Quinn as its villains. Instead, they developed several other proposals to continue the franchise, including a prequel, a live-action film based on the animated series Batman Beyond, and a Batman vs. Superman film, which will manifest itself in the 2015 Man of Steel sequel.
  13. Batman: the Animated Series not only established the long-running DC Animated Universe, which included several other series like Superman, Batman Beyond, and Justice League, but also won an Emmy and created characters like Harley Quinn that later became staples in the comics.
  14. For Batman Begins, the Gotham City license plates were made to look like Illinois plates so they would blend in during car chases scenes filmed in Chicago.
  15. When The Dark Knight was delivered to theaters, it was titled Oliver's Army to deter piracy.
  16. Heath Ledger locked himself in a hotel room for a month one to prepare for his role as the Joker in The Dark Knight. The one thing he didn't initially plan as part of the character's psychotic idiosyncrasy was the constant licking of his lips and cheeks, which he did out of discomfort with the prosthetic make-up.
  17. Warner Bros. originally wanted Leonardo DiCaprio to play the Riddler in The Dark Knight Rises, before Christopher Nolan opted to use Bane and Catwoman as the villains. Leonardo was also considered for the role of Robin in Batman Forever but was beat out by Chris O'Donnell.
  18. Mr. Freeze was originally a comedic villain until Batman: the Animated Series created a tragic backstory in which his motivation is to save his cryogenically frozen wife, who suffers from a rare disease.
  19. Poison Ivy, initially a supporting villain, was promoted throughout the 1970s and 80s in response to the feminist argument that comic books needed more female characters. The continued characterization of Catwoman as sympathetic left room for Poison Ivy to be Batman's primary female antagonist.
  20. Though many Batman characters have inconsistent backstories and portrayals, none are as polarizing as the Penguin, who is sometimes portrayed as a grotesque and deformed outcast, and other times as a high-profile aristocrat.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Timber" by Pitbull & Ke$ha

In an EDM-dominated world, it's nice to hear pop music that uses real instruments. The usually club-friendly Pitbull and Ke$ha have teamed up for a honky-tonk jam that makes you just want to head out to the meth-stricken backwoods and do a hoedown.

"Timber" (like wood... a little naughty) is the first single from Pitbull's eighth (ugh, I know) album, but the real treat here is Ke$ha. While I love her as a solo artist, there's something refreshing about hearing her in a supporting capacity. It's a little reminiscent of "Right Round", no?

Swing your partner 'round and round. End of the night, it's going down!

Sunday, October 13, 2013

It's Getting Harder and Harder to Keep Up with the Kardashians

The Kardashian Kingdom

I miss the days when as long as you knew whether or not Kourtney and Scott were together, you were a Kardashian expert. I long for the episodes when going to Kim's house meant going to her chic townhouse, not a triple gated mansion in Beverly Hills. I'm nostalgic for the time when you didn't have to rely on TMZ, Perez Hilton, and other supplementary reading because the show covered just about everything you'd want to know.

Sadly, it's a different time for Kardashians, and by extension, their fans. They're one of the most famous and controversial families in the world, and they've been burned by the spotlight so many times that it seems like, for the first time since Kim's infamous sex tape leaked, they're playing it close to the vest.

In the words of Britney Spears, it's "another day, another drama" for the Kardashians. They're in the headlines every day, and it's not to see which sister wore it best. It's divorce, drugs, and other dirty deeds that even the most passionate fanatic can't possible keep up with. The current season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians is leaving us with more questions than answers, especially in regards to oft-alluded-to-but-never-explicitly-explained drama from when Bruce left his second wife for Kris. But now with this tabloid storm surrounding the family, we're even more in the dark than we realized.

First, there's Robert Kardashian's widow, who claims to have his journals, which reveal, among other things, that Kris Jenner physically abused her children and Khloé isn't his legitimate daughter. Obviously the notion that Kris is abusive is a little far fetched, and it's something the entire family has denied. But the theory that Khloé isn't a Kardashian by birth certainly doesn't fall on deaf ears. It's something even she's wondered on camera.

Speaking of Khloé, how shocking was it to hear about Lamar's drug problem? His addiction culminated in DUI charges in August and a reported trip to rehab. Besides cryptic tweets and a vague and likely scripted scene on the show, there aren't many clues as to how Khloé is dealing with her crippling marriage, although most signs point to divorce.

Aaaannd speaking of divorce, Kris and Bruce seem to be headed in that direction. After months of speculation, they announced their separation. Kris claims it amicable, but insiders say that's not the case. Kendall's reportedly on her father's side, but Kylie is Team Kardashian.

Then there's Kim, who's taking a backseat to the drama for the first time in her life. After giving birth to baby Nori (gag me), Kim and Kanye surprised us all by forgoing the expected tabloid baby pictures, for which they would have pocketed millions. In fact, Kanye is reportedly urging Kim to step away from the limelight permanently and settle down with him in Paris.

But I think the most important question of all is how is Rob?? Has he lost the weight? How's the sock line going? These are the questions that keep me up at night!

Saturday, October 12, 2013

Miley's New Album Bangerz Is Full of A-List Collabs, Liam Hemsworth, and Bangerz... But Is That a Good Thing?

RIP Hannah Montana

By the end of this year, some of the biggest women in music will have released new material, making 2013 the Hunger Games of pop music. And in this age of crowded radio airwaves, talent is not enough to win. Maybe that's why these pop princesses think if they show enough skin and cross enough lines, they're true artists. Nobody is guiltier of practicing this philosophy than Miley Cyrus, whose foam-fingering, tongue-wagging, ass-twerking debauchery has been the hottest topic on the planet for the past few months. Bangerz, her first album in three years and fourth overall, is the musical embodiment of her recent public transformation, which she has aptly labeled a "strategic hot mess."

But controversy does not equal talent, and while Bangerz is more or less unmistakably Miley, it's hard to ignore the fact that her new musical identity, which she swears is completely genuine, is a calculated cocktail made up of the best parts of Britney Spears, Lady Gaga, Ke$ha, and Rihanna. At it's best, Bangerz showcases what the Disney darling has picked up from these women. At its worst, the album feels like a massive hangover. And though she fails in her efforts to be the ultra pop star and the album just might have what it takes to turn the singer into an actualized musician.

Oddly enough, the album opens with the ballad "Adore You", an undeniably romantic ode to Liam Hemsworth, "holy matrimony" and all. The song does a good job of preparing the listener for the innumerable lyrics clearly aimed at her ex-fiancé; however, it completely buries the lead. Even the second track, "We Can't Stop", is too tame sonically, although it does capture the carefree, smoked-out content that dictates the rest of the album.

The third track, "SMS (Bangerz)", a cheery rap-off with Britney Spears, sets the pace for what follows. The song is disjointed and loud, but when Britney comes in and is all, "Catwalk, slick talk, flirting with them big dogs," she instantly puts Miley's Ke$ha-wannabe speak-singing to shame. Miss Cyrus attempts unabashed rapping on "Do My Thang", on which she proclaims, "I'm a southern belle, crazier than hell." If anything, the song is a good argument that Miley should never rap again.

"#GETITRIGHT" is Miley's attempt at Daft Punk's "Get Lucky", and oddly enough, both were crafted by Pharrell. In it, the singer exudes the same confidence she did while humping a wrecking ball completely naked: "I'm dancing in the mirror/I feel like I got no panties on/I wish that I could feel ya/So hurry, hang up that damn phone."

Every once in a while, Miley tosses out dramatic ballads. While "Wrecking Ball", the singer's first domestic number one single, stands out well on its own, it becomes quickly jaded and repetitive on the album when tracks like "Adore You", "Maybe You're Right", and "My Darlin'" capture the same sound and emotions.

Only twice on the album does Miley get experimental (a generous term for deviating slightly from her peers), and it yields mixed results. The Nelly-featured "4x4" is merrily infused with country elements. The duo takes on Bonnie & Clyde personas as they let their Southern twang run as wild as the high-speed chase they sing about. On "FU", Miley attempts to emulate Adele against a French Montana-produced EDM backdrop as she belts out, "I got two, two two letters for you/One of them's F and the other one's U". It's easily the most uninspired and blood-curdling song on the album.

Every song on Bangerz is a banger: a loud, colorful, trashy depiction of how the singer lives (or at least how she wants us to think she lives). But it's in that chaos that the album works; even when it's bad, it's so bad, it's almost good. Miley isn't doing anything that hasn't been done before her, and Bangerz is hardly the artistic statement she thinks it is, but this very well may be the record that legitimizes Miley as anything but Hannah Montana gone bad.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Jam of the Week: "Demons" by Imagine Dragons

After "It's Time" was massacred by overplay and "Radioactive" bored me to tears, I was just about done with Imagine Dragons.

But then I see a trailer for some movie about sex addiction starring Mark Ruffalo and P!nk and Imagine Dragons' "Demons" starts playing. I loved the song so much that I didn't even mind it was by a band I passively hated.

So whether you're a fan of them or not, check out "Demons". It's quite a jam with a sort of uplifting message.

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #8

Once again, the Queen gets it.

Thing I Love #8: Fictional Love Triangles

Is there anything more delicious than when you're favorite characters are engulfed in a love triangle? I personally loved when two housewives were duking it out for the same Wisteria Lane hottie. Or when Bill and Eric (and everybody else, apparently) fights to the death for Sooki's fairy vagina. And I won't even go into the dissertation-worthy beauty that is the Brenda/Dylan/Kelly saga of Beverly Hills, 90210.

Thing I Hate #8: People Who Can't Spell "Prerogative"

Yes, it's a tricky word. And yes, I tend to hate most typos. But this one drives me absolutely nuts. It may be your pRerogative to spell shit wrong, but don't do it on my time.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Bitch of the Week: Tina Fey

Date night.

Tina Fey is the current Bitch of the Week and can we all say, FINALLY?! It's about time that the fucking Queen of Comedy got her Tommy Time dues.

I don't want to get the bras burning here, but Tina Fey has been a pioneering force for women in the entertainment industry, especially in the male-dominated world of comedy. Obviously, bitch got her start on Saturday Night Live as a writer in 1997 and was promoted to alpha bitch head writer two years later, becoming the show's first woman in the role.

Though she had appeared as an extra in previous sketches, Tina didn't become a main player for SNL until 2000, when she co-anchored the Weekend Update sketches with Jimmy Fallon. With Fallon's exit four years later, Tina was then paired with Amy Poehler. And the finest friendship in bitchstory was born.

In 2006, Tina departed SNL and went on to create and star in 30 Rock for seven seasons. But that didn't keep her away from the show that made her famous from long; who could forget her flawless Sarah Palin impressions?

Unfortunately, Tina's biography isn't nearly as funny or bitchy as the woman herself. So here's a little taste of why she's a Bitch of the Week in her own words...
  • On stardom: "One day last week when I was writing, I was in my sweatpants, exhausted, and I realized I’d just eaten six Kit Kats in 10 minutes."
  • On blondes: "Let’s admit it, yellow hair does have magic powers. You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it."
  • On glasses: "Glasses would make anyone look smarter. You put glasses on Woody Harrelson in Indecent Proposal and he’s an architect. You put a pair of glasses on Denise Richards and she’s a paleontologist."
  • On important social issues: "I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society… unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool."
  • On other important social issues: "Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of."
  • On the "women aren't funny" debate: "It’s one that now I feel free to opt out of because it’s just so boring. The fact that it’s still even talked about is just so, so boring and dumb."
  • On Playboy bunnies: "I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but every one of them — every single one — has those pencil-eraser nipples and an orangey-tanny body. I just don’t understand where the appeal is. If you’re going to be a whore, at least be original about it."
  • On being named one of People's 50 Most Beautiful People: "I’ve been reading the ‘50 Most Beautiful People’ issue for years, and there’s always one person on the list who makes you think, ‘Give me a fucking break.’ This year, I’m proud to be that person."