Monday, July 21, 2014

Jam of the Week: "No One Else Like You" by Adam Levine

Maroon 5 front man Adam Levine has said many times that he will never go solo... But he sure doesn't miss an opportunity to lend his vocals in projects apart from the band. The latest example is Begin Again, a music-based drama film in which Adam has his big screen debut.

While I won't tolerate his acting career, Adam's contributions to the soundtrack are bona fide jams. Just listen to "No One Else Like You" and tell me you disagree. It will make you nostalgic for the pre-"Moves Like Jagger" Maroon 5 of yesteryear.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #17

Thing I Love #17: French Fries

If I even have to explain this to you, you can move on because no reader of mine dislikes French fries.

Thing I Hate #17: When People Like Their Own Instagrams

Nobody is immune to the crippling anxiety of waiting for your Instagram likes to turnover into a two-digit number, but that does not mean you should give yourself a boost by liking your own post. Obviously if you posted it, you like it. You do not need to actually heart it to prove the point.

Monday, July 14, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Just Askin'" by Iggy Azalea

"Just Askin'" is by far my favorite track off of Iggy Azalea's debut album. As such, I've been waiting for a quiet week to bestow upon it the prestigious title of Jam of the Week.

The song is directed at a former lover who moved onto a new woman. Iggy questions what went wrong in the relationship, insisting that she's moved on too and isn't bitter, but she's "just asking."

The voicemails alone are reason enough to love the song, but it's a nice change of pace from "Work", "Fancy", and whatever Iggy songs you may already know.

Sunday, July 13, 2014

Britney Spears Without Autotune: What People Don't Understand

History always seems destined to repeat itself. After Britney Spears recovered from her infamous breakdown and returned to pop music prominence with 2008's Circus, the public had so much good will for her. You would think we would have learned from our mistakes and not revert back to the same microscopic judgment that helped push her over the edge in the first place.

But that isn't so. These days, the media and general public look for any reason to knock Britney down again. The latest incident is a leaked version of her track, "Alien", reportedly without any autotune. The track leaked on July 2 and the Britney fandom was all abuzz, but it took the media almost a week to pick up on it. I won't even bother discounting these "news sources" for being untimely as fuck.

But I will take the opportunity to explain why these so-called raw vocals aren't the proof that Britney sucks at singing that everybody thinks it is.

1. It's not the track without autotune

People assume that this track is the very take Britney recorded in the studio that was then digitally altered and put on her record. That isn't so. Britney, like every other artist, records multiple takes of the song. The one in question, according to producer William Orbit, is the warm-up take, one that "a generous singer will put something down the mic to help the engineer get their systems warmed up and at the right level."

In short, this "take" is Britney warming up her own vocals while helping the producer warm up his equipment. She sings it a cappella (the backing track you hear was added later by whoever leaked it). It's not meant to be used as a take, much less heard by the public. So this isn't the "Alien" you hear on Britney Jean without autotune. It's literally the very first time Britney is singing the song, for the sole sake of feeling it out.

2. It's not that bad

Given that the public can afford to be unforgiving, everybody is acting like these vocals are the worst things to have ever fallen on human ears. But if you really listen to it, especially if you keep in mind that it's a warm-up track with what Orbit calls "a multitude of vocalisations," you can surely hear for yourself that it's not even bad. Sure, it might make you yearn for the final product, but any singer's warm-up tracks aren't going to be something you'll want to write home about.

3. Britney's not a vocalist, she's a performer

Most people might excuse this point without giving it a chance, but here it goes. Britney does not claim, nor has she ever claimed, to be a vocalist. She never set out to be Whitney Houston, though she has always admired her. She is an entertainer and a performer, one whose talent exists not in powerhouse vocals but in her pure star power and ability to put on a show. That said, I can point you to countless examples of recordings and live performances that prove that Britney does have an unexpectedly decent singing voice.

4. If you don't like autotune, well...

If you're one of those music purists who reject any and all signs of digital enhancement, then you can pretty much count out any songs recorded after 2000. All singers, no matter their talent and no matter their genre, use autotune. It's the industry standard, and it's obviously used to varying degrees, but everybody needs help correcting the occasional pitch or smoothing out a vocal here and there. It's the equivalent of putting an Instagram filter on a photo.

After all this controversy, Billboard reported that sales and shares of "Alien" skyrocketed. So thank you, Britney bashers! We might get that third single after all!

Now, please enjoy "Alien" as it's meant to be heard.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Restart" by Sam Smith

Sam Smith is making quite the splash recently. He's featured on a gazillion songs, like Naughty Boy's "La La La" and Disclosure's "Latch", and his own song "Stay With Me" is blowing up the radio. Some are calling him the male Adele. In all honesty, his debut album feels monotonous and depressing.

BUT "Restart" is a fun little beacon of life. It has a groovy 70s disco vibe set to lyrics about hitting refresh after a breakup... So his fave theme of heartbreak transcends, but at least it's presented in a refreshing manner.

Tuesday, July 1, 2014

20 Things You Didn't Know About Mean Girls

  1. Mean Girls is based on the nonfiction book Queen Bees and Wannabes, which helps teenage girls navigate the clique-based high school hierarchy. Tina Fey primarily based the script on her own experiences; Janice Ian is Tina Fey. The character was named after the openly gay singer of the same name, whose song "At Seventeen" was one of the first Saturday Night Live performances and can be heard in the film.
  2. Damian was named after Tina's close from, TV Guide writer Damian Holbrook, and Glen Coco was also named for a friend of Tina's.
  3. The original name of the film was Homeschooled.
  4. The script was originally extremely R-rated. Director Mark Waters remarked that Regina dropped "more F-bombs than Joe Pesci in Goodfellas."
  5. Mark's brother is Daniel Waters, the screenwriter of Heathers, which is totally the darker, 80s version of Mean Girls. The brothers recently teamed up for Vampire Academy, which is like Mean Girls with vampires, but was apparently really shitty.
  6. Lindsay Lohan was originally cast as Regina George, but after the success of Freaky Friday, Paramount worried her fans wouldn't accept her as the villain. Rachel McAdams, who originally read for Cady but was considered "too old," was then cast as Regina.
  7. Amanda Seyfried read for the role of Regina, before being cast as Karen. Rajiv Surendra read for Damian before landing the role of mathlete Kevin G, which was originally written for an Asian actor.
  8. James Franco was originally considered for the role of Aaron Samuels. Jonathon Bennett was cast, partially because he could make Lindsay blush on camera, and partially because Tina thought he looked like her SNL costar Jimmy Fallon.
  9. Lizzy Caplan was cast as Janice because of her ability to show raw emotion. Tina originally wanted a Kelly Osborne-esque actress to play the character, and considered Lizzy too pretty.
  10. Rumors of Scarlett Johansson auditioning for Karen were shot down by Mark. Ashley Tisdale, however, did. She would later cite Rachel's characterization of Regina as her inspiration for playing Sharpay in High School Musical.
  11. Paramount dragged their feet in casting Amy Poehler and Tim Meadows as Regina's mom and Principal Duvall, respectively, as they did not want it to become a "Saturday Night Live movie."
  12. Amy wrote Kevin G's rap.
  13. Lindsay missed the first few days of filming because she had overdosed pink eye.
  14. Because she was a minor, Lindsay could only film about 9 hours a day, and so Mark took as many shortcuts as possible. The four-way phone call scene was filmed at 48 frames per second (slow motion) with synced sound. The footage of whoever is talking in the scene is played at the standard 24 frames per second, while the other girls are discretely shown in slow motion.
  15. Initially, the film was denied the rights to Christina Aguilera's "Beautiful" for Damian's talent show performance. Danial Franzese, who played the character, fought for the rights, because he wanted to recite the spoken lyric, "Don't look at me." Songwriter Linda Perry eventually relented and gave them the rights, as the character was gay, and that's the type of audience the song was written for.
  16. Rachel wore a blonde wig for filming, which you can totally tell. Still, Regina's flawless.
  17. The original script had Miss Norbury confiscating ecstasy from Kevin G and putting it in her desk, which gets her into even more trouble when the burn book accuses her of selling drugs.
  18. The song Cady is excited to actually recognize at the end of the film is "Built This Way" by Samantha Ronson, Linday's future girlfriend.
  19. Rachel prepared for her performance as Regina by listening to Courtney Love CDs and also drew inspiration from Alec Baldwin's role in Glengarry Glen Ross.
  20. A Broadway musical based on the film is in the works. And if the Heathers musical is any indication, it won't be good.

Monday, June 30, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Your Love" by Nicole Scherzinger

Nicole Scherzinger is back! After much delay, the former Pussycat Doll has officially released the lead single from her upcoming second album. If her first album was any indication, it will pretty much be a strictly European thing, meaning you probably won't ever hear "My Love" except for her.

While there's really no such thing as a Nicole Scherzinger style, this song is the perfect fit for her. It's fun and catchy as hell, even if it makes little sense.

Friday, June 27, 2014

Bitch of the Week: Stubbs the Cat

Pretty kitty

Did you know that the mayor of Talkeetna, Alaska is a cat? Well, it's true! The small town, which is technically considered a historical district and therefore does not have an actual mayor, elected Stubbs the cat as its mayor in July 1997 and he has been going strong ever since. As such, he's also the Bitch of the Week

Lauri Stec, a general store manager, found Stubbs and the rest of his litter in a box in the parking lot. She chose Stubbs because he had no tail. Eventually, he became so popular that people just accepted he was the mayor. I'm not kidding. It just happened. The town, which prides itself on its eccentricity, were just like, "Yeah, he's our mayor!"

Stubbs operates out of his office in the general store. (Also not kidding.) He attracts 30 to 40 tourists a day. Every afternoon, he frequents a local restaurant and drinks water out of a wineglass laden with catnip.

It hasn't been all games for Stubbs. He's often harassed by teenagers, which is fucking rude #leaveStubbsalone! In August 2013, he was attacked by a dog and suffered a punctured lung, a fractured sternum, and a deep wound in his side. A crowdsourcing page was set up to pay for his medical bills.

When will your cat?

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Tori Spelling and Jennie Garth's New Sitcom is Embarrassing; But Yay for a 90210 Reunion

We're not in Beverly Hills anymore.

ABC Family has never had much luck with comedies; aside from rarities like Melissa & Joey, most of them fail to garner a loyal audience and see cancellation within their first few episodes. That's why it's so bizarre that they keep trying the same shit, hoping that this time it will stick.

Well, in the case of Mystery Girls, it most certainly does not stick. The show focuses on Holly (Tori Spelling) and Charlie (Jennie Garth), two washed-up TV actresses who starred as detectives on the small screen 14 years ago. Sound familiar? You would only need one hand to count the noteworthy projects Tori and Jennie have taken on since their heydays on Beverly Hills, 90210 (1990-2000). Mystery Girls knows this, and everyone, including its two stars, is in on the joke.

They also seem to understand how ridiculous the plot is. You see, while Charlie has retired from the spotlight and settled into family life in suburbia, Holly does just about anything she can to stay relevant. The two reunite, however, when a murder witness refuses to give his statement to anyone except the actress' TV counterparts. And then the girls decide to go into the detective business for real, hiring the murder witness, the overly flamboyant Nick (Miguel Pinzon), as their assistant.

The fact that the show understands its own stupidity is one of its only redeeming qualities. Tori and Jennie aren't exactly comediennes, and while Jennie's four-year stint on What I Like About You gives her a bit of an upper leg, it's clear that they're not meant for slapstick comedy in front of a "live" audience. Instead, they take turns screaming their lines, begging for laughter. And don't get my started on Nick, who is stereotyped within an inch of his life (even screeching over Lady Gaga tickets), that you were watching something made 10 years ago.

At this point, it's worth noting that tonight's premiere episode was not the pilot. So all that plot information I just gave you? Forget about it. Instead, we were treated to episode 3, and we're expected to know what the hell is going on. Not that it's all that complicated. Tabloid rumors of Holly's death lead to the revelation of a sex tape, and the girls let the public continue thinking she's dead until they can locate the tape, which they do after a series of ridiculous hijinks.

The fact that ABC Family chose not to air the pilot, probably because it's not good, is not nearly as concerning as the fact that this episode is what they considered the strongest contender out of the gate.

All that said... I laughed quite a bit at the show. Not at the jokes themselves, but how ridiculous the entire show is. And there's something endearing about seeing lifelong friends Tori and Jennie onscreen together again. An official 90210 reunion seems to be out of the question, but I'll take this for now! And even though I sense cancellation in just a few short weeks, I look forward to seeing how many more "mysteries" and Shannen Doherty jokes these ladies have in them.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Cunt of the Week: Phil Robertson

The Face of America

A few months ago, I traveled out of the country and was disgusted to learn that some one of the most popular American programs on their televisions was Duck Dynasty. How fucking gross is it that a bunch of camouflaged, backward hicks are the ones reppin' America in other countries.

All of this would be forgivable if it wasn't for Phil Robertson. Never mind the fact that he is a professional hunter, which is disgusting in and of itself, but he has a nasty habit of being a cunt in the public eye. Lest we forget, late last year when Phil gave an interview in GQ. When asked what he considered sinful, Phil replied: "Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men."

Okay, fine. He's homophobic and slut shaming. Whatever. He's not the first person to do so and he won't be the the last. (And honestly, what do people expect from this family? A pride parade?) But after facing public backlash, he took the comments a step further. "Jesus will take sins away," he said. "If you're a homosexual, he'll take it away. If you're an adulterer, if you're a liar, what's the difference?"

There are definitely a few differences, but we won't get into it. A&E condemned Phil's comments and suspended him from the show, a decision I never fully agreed with. Nine days later, they lifted the ban, a decision I definitely didn't agree with. (Honorable mention for Cunt of the Week: A&E for having no backbone or conviction; who cares what your decision is, just stick with it!)

And then he did it again:
You say, 'why’d they get mad at you?’ Cuz instead of acknowledging their sin, like you had better do, they railed against me for giving them the truth about their sins. Don’t deceive yourselves. 'Is homosexual behavior a sin?' the guy asked me. I said, 'do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Don’t be deceived. Neither the sexually immoral, nor the idolators, nor adulterers nor male prostitutes, nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves, nor greedy, nor drunkards, nor slanderers, nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God!
And again:
I'm actually a nice man. I'm trying to help those poor souls and turn them to Jesus.
And again:
Whatever you do, whatever you do, go register to vote, especially on this next presidential election! Register to vote, and you ought register for the House and the Senate too! Get your tail down there and vote this ungodly bunch out of Washington, D.C.
And then there's nice commentary on the civil rights movement:
I never, with my eyes, saw the mistreatment of any black person. Not once. Where we lived was all farmers. The blacks worked for the farmers. I hoed cotton with them. I’m with the blacks, because we’re white trash. We’re going across the field … They’re singing and happy. I never heard one of them, one black person, say, ‘I tell you what: These doggone white people’—not a word!… Pre-entitlement, pre-welfare, you say: Were they happy? They were godly; they were happy; no one was singing the blues.
 This is your man, America!

You said it, not me.

Tuesday, June 24, 2014

This or That: Paris Hilton vs. Kim Kardashian

Gettin' #turnt

Onetime friends and lifelong frenemies Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian have a lot of things in common. For one, they're both famous for being famous celebrated for just being themselves! Ever since Kim's family became reality royalty, she and Princess Paris have been constantly compared to one another. I've already touched upon their friendship while discussing the Cult of the Frenemy, but now it's time to decide just who's the better socialite.

Childhood (aka $$$)

Paris had a bitchin childhood, being carted around to various Hilton suites and boarding schools on both coasts. She was rolling in the dough and grew up with a bunch of friends who would eventually become famous as well. (Nicole Richie says hi!) Kim had a more traditional upbringing, and while she was not exactly slumming it in Calabasas, she wasn't as massively wealthy (we've all seen the house that family lived in at the beginning of the show!) as Paris and had few to no famous friends. This round goes to Paris!

Famous For...

I know what you're gonna say here. Both of these ladies are famous for their respective sex tapes. But did you know they had names for themselves before that?

Paris began modeling at charity events at age 19 before she was eventually signed to Donald Trump's modeling agency, because who knew that was a thing? She started appearing on fashion magazine covers, and soon after in gossip columns for her hard partying ways. Of course, it really was The Simple Life, her reality show co-starring Nicole Richie, that put her on the map. And why was the show so successful? Her sex tape, 1 Night in Paris, which was "never intended for release," just so happened to have leaked right before the show premiered.

While Kim's father made a name for himself (more on that later), she got most of her media exposure through her friendship with Paris. She was a personal shopper and stylist for several A-list stars, but it was Paris who decided to trot Kim out onto the red carpet. That was probably her biggest mistake, because when Kim's sex tape leaked in early 2007, everyone forgot she was Paris' friend. E! quickly offered her a reality show and the rest is history. Because Kim got to where she was by riding on Paris' coattails and having an "anything you can do, I can do better" attitude, this round goes to Kim!

Strength in Numbers

It's always best to have an army behind you when you're in the spotlight. We've already discussed how Paris had more famous friends than Kim, but what about their family? Paris has Nicky, but as we mentioned oh so long ago, she's the other sister, and that's never good enough. She also has two nameless brothers who don't get her anywhere. And I guess you can count her two "actress" aunts (aka washed-up Real Housewives stars), but I don't.

Kim, on the other hand, has a laundry list of famous kin. Her father is Robert Kardashian, OJ Simpson's lawyer (we'll just leave that one alone), and her stepfather is Olympian Bruce Jenner. Through their reality show, mother Kris, brother Rob, and sisters Kourtney and Khloé also became famous. Not to mention, Kim's stepbrother is The Hills star Brody Jenner. Clearly, Kim wins this round!

Reality Queens

Who has the better reality show? The Simple Life is obviously iconic, as it showcased Paris and Nicole trying to live like normal Americans, usually to unsuccessful but hilarious results. Keeping Up With the Kardashians is more of a ~*documentary*~ series that shows the daily lives of the fam. It's both funny and, at times, dramatic. Both shows are great, but the Kardashians get props for not making it so obvious that the show is scripted, as well as for their countless spin-offs. Paris has had a few reality shows after The Simple Life, but nobody remembers what they are. Take it home, Kim!

Other Ventures

Between clothing lines, perfumes, and attempted acting gigs, Paris and Kim kind of cancel each other out here. But what about music? Kim's "Jam" was the very first Jam of the Week on Tommy Time. But Paris managed to record an entire album that actually received mixed reviews (versus the universal pan that Kim's single received). This round goes to Paris!

Personal Lives

Being a professional socialite basically means that you're only as interesting as your personal life. Paris Hilton's dating life is full of a bunch of nobodies (literally don't know their names) and B-listers (Nick Carter). I've never agreed with Kim K's dating choices (Nick Cannon... Seriously?), and she did have that whole 72-day marriage thing, but she's happily married with a baby without the substance abuse rumors and arrests Paris has accumulated. As if I had to say it, this round goes to Kim!

So, it's clear Kim is the better socialite. And Paris can't even be mad, because she invented the game, and Kim just played it better. You go, girl!

Friends till the end.

Monday, June 23, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Expertease" by Jennifer Lopez

If you've given up on JLo because of one too many Pitbull collaborations, it's time to get the fuck over it, because bitch is back and truly better than ever. Returning to her urban roots after a questionable dip in the dance genre, Jennifer Lopez's new album AKA is full of jams, the most JoW-worthy of which is "Expertease".

Obviously, it's a masterful play on words, so it's already super fun. But it has an insanely catchy hook ("Let me show my expertise, I'm an expert tease, and you know it.") Not only that, but the chorus is preceded by a pre-chorus that's amazing. So you're jamming, thinking you're at the chorus, and then it hollers into the actual chorus and you're just over the moon.

Slay a little harder, JLo!

Friday, June 20, 2014

Bitch of the Week: Iggy Azalea

"I kill pride, I hurt feelings."

She been up all night, tryna get that rich, she been work-work-work-work-working on her shit. And it got her here, as Bitch of the Week! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you that I-G-G-Y, Miss Iggy Azalea.

If you've been living under a rock for the past six months and "Fancy" isn't your jam, let me tell you a lil something about Iggy Azalea. She's a musical genius; if Nicki Minaj and Kesha had a kid, it would be Iggy. She's been slaying us with jams for months now, but it turns out she's been bitching it up since day one.

Iggy was born in Australia, which explains why she's so hot. She's so scrumptious, in fact, that she infamously had to stop crowd surfing because errybody was trying to finger her!

As a teenager, she scrubbed floors. But Iggy knew she was destined for something far greater and hollered right on over to the US of A at age 16. She told her parents she was going on vacation (or, on "holiday," in her words) but just never came back. #aight

She made the rounds in the Miami rap scene and eventually got viral exposure for her song "Pu$$y", which is iconic and includes a tasteful vaginal Skittles analogy. Then, T.I. stepped in and made Iggy his protege.

Iggy continued slaying these hoes (trigga on the gun like), which unfortunately meant dealing with the occasional hate. Looking at you, Azealia Banks!

But Iggy is the one laughing at the end. "Fancy" is currently the #1 song in the country, and her debut album topped the rap charts, making her the first white person with a vagina to do so. Not only that, but she dresses as last Bitch of the Week Cher Horowitz in her music video for "Fancy". So, yeah.

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Cunt of the Week: Farrah Abraham

Mom of the Year!

The reigning Cunt of the Week is none other than Farrah Abraham. If you're not familiar with her, you're at least familiar, or have heard of, the world she comes from. Farrah rose to prominence as a "star" of the reality TV series 16 and Pregnant and its subsequent spin-off Teen Mom.

At first, she was one of the more normal girls on the show. She seemed sweet, and her pregnancy seemed like an honest mistake; and not only did her abusive mother deny her an abortion, but her boyfriend and the father of her child died in a car accident eight months into her pregnancy. She even tried to do the right thing and go to culinary school. You couldn't help but feel sorry for her.

Then it all fell apart when her reality as a teen mom was overshadowed by her reality as, well, a reality star.

In August 2012, she released a memoir and a debut album, both titled My Teenage Dream Ended. What else ended? Teen Mom that same year. Girlfriend was in serious need of a new gig. That came in the form of a sex tape the following year.

Farrah tried to claim the tape was for personal use. The problem? Her partner on the tape was well-known porn star James Deen, who claimed that Farrah hired him to do the tape and even tried to convince him to pretend to date her. Farrah slammed James and called him a liar, but eventually admitted to having purposely leaked the tape. She said it was "[celebrating] your awesome body [and getting] your own sexy shots."


Two separate tapes were released by Vivid Entertainment. Farrah then went and made a career out of appearing at porn conventions and strip clubs, but later claimed that the sex tape ruined her life.

Um, yeah, and probably your daughter's!

Since then, she's gotten back into music, which is just a hobby, guys. She swears it's not a career move! She's also writing a trilogy of erotic novels because, why not? If her entire career thus far has proved anything, it's that she likes anything having to do with sex, no matter the consequences.

That's how she became the most-searched reality star of 2013. And any time you take out a Kardashian like that, you best believe you're ending up on the Cunt of the Week list.

Still need convincing? Here are some quotes from the teen mom:
  • On waxing her toddler daughter's eyebrows while she's sleeping: "I actually get a lot of fan mail from girls who were younger who did have unibrows and they only wished that their moms would have helped them out."
  • "This is a weird position. It's like how I gave birth to my daughter."
  • When confronted with the word elaborate: "A library?"
  • On being a feminist (I kid you not, this was her response to being asked if she was a feminist): "I’m pretty feminine. I think so…What does that mean, you’re a lesbian or something?" 
  • On her DUI: "I was drinking throughout the night but I was just getting drinks from friends and I was not really trying to drink."
  • Also on her DUI: "I did not endanger anyone's life."
  • On sex tape co-star James Deen: "I don't need to talk negatively about someone because I have nothing good to say. He should really just get out of the porn industry because things have gotten to his head, he disrespects women, and his penis is small. I haven't seen many but his definitely was not big."
  • On being a single mother but also a businesswoman: "I'm probably one of the best parents you're ever gonna meet. So I learn how to balance this. I feel like if I can't show my true self, and if I can't explore who I am, then it would be lying to myself and I would stunt my growth. So if I feel like opening up a restaurant, opening up a gentlemen's club, opening up a children's clothing store, and doing songs, books, everything that I feel like doing, I'm going to do it. It suits me well. That's who I am."
Also, if you're worried about Farrah's financials, feel free to buy her something from her Amazon wish list. She's asking all her fans to do so!

Monday, June 16, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Maps" by Maroon 5

While it always goes without saying that whenever Maroon 5 is discussed, there is an obligatory but unspoken moment of grieving for the band that once was, it's important we try to appreciate their continued efforts to bring us new jams. "Maps" is an epic feat in that department.

"Maps", the lead single off their upcoming fifth album, is in the same vain as "Moves Like Jagger" and "One More Night" or anything off of Overexposed. It's poppy and made for the treadmill and dance floor. And that shouldn't come as a surprise. OneRepublic Ryan Tedder (who has written basically every smash song for artists like Beyoncé, Demi Lovato, and Kelly Clarkson) and Max Martin (a hit-maker for Britney Spears and Katy Perry) are both credited as songwriters.

The song explores the theme of searching for love, as Adam Levine sings, "All the roads you took came back to me / So I'm following the map that leads to you."

Monday, June 9, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Ugly Heart" by G.R.L.

This week's jam is brought to you by G.R.L. You might be asking yourself, Who the fuck is G.R.L.? Well, it's a girl group initially formed as the new incarnation of the Pussycat Dolls, but for one reason or another, they took on a different name. Then, they released a lame ass song called "Vacation" for The Smurfs 2, which was offered as a free download if you bought the masterful jam "Ooh La La" by Britney Spears.

Everything so far makes these girls sound like a bunch of basic bitches, right? Well, luckily they turned things around. They're featured on Pitbull's hit "Wild Wild Love" and have officially released their debut single, "Ugly Heart". It's a far cry from the urban dance music they would have been making if they were Pussycat Dolls.

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Lana Del Rey Might Be Dissing Lorde in a New Track

So legit.

The release of Lana's new album Ultraviolence is right around the corner; as such, we're learning a lot more about the songs that will be on the record. I was personally looking most forward to "Fucked My Way to the Top", because its iconic title is enough to assume that it would be a fantastic jam.

Well, as it just so happens, Lana recently opened up about the song's meaning. It's about a basic bitch, and that basic bitch just might be none other than former Cunt of the Week Lorde:
It’s about a singer who first sneered about my allegedly un-authentic style, but later stole and copied it, and now she’s acting like I am the art project and she’s the true super artist. My God, and people actually believe her. She’s successful! I shouldn’t continue ranting – it doesn’t get anywhere.
No, rant more! We love it.

For those of you who don't know, Lorde dismissed Lana as being superficial and unrelatable because she sings about opulent lifestyles. Well, here's the thing, sweetie. Singing about not having an opulent lifestyle is just as shallow. And what's worse, Lorde's style is very distinctly Lana-inspired. So it doesn't take a genius to connect the dots.

This is the second time Lana has proven herself a warrior leading the fight against cunts; a song in which she disses Lady Gaga leaked onto the internet last summer.

Slay 'em basic bitches, Lana!

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #16

Pop 'em out!

Thing I Love #16: Kourtney Kardashian's Pregnancies

There is tons of speculation that Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant with her third child, and she hasn't exactly denied it! Not only does it mean that we'll soon have more Kardashians to keep up with (#bless!), but we will see Krazy Kourt again. You see, Kourtney's hippie lifestyle and heartless monotony soar during her second and third trimesters, and it's a lot of fun to watch. Hopefully it'll all end with her pulling her own child out of the womb again. Why mess with success?

Additional kudos to Kourtney for always scheduling a pregnancy just in time for a new season of the show! She confirmed she was expecting Mason in 2009 right before the premiere Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami. She confirmed her second pregnancy in 2011, at just 9 weeks in, reportedly in an attempt to distract the media from Kim's infamous 72-marriage; a new season of the Kardashians was just around the corner.

And now, just a few days before the show returns to E!, Kourtney is reportedly expecting. Slay harder, K!

Thing I Hate #16: Politically and Socially Motivated Diatribes on Social Media

Particularly Facebook. Obviously, this is just a personal preference, as people are free to say whatever they want. (Thanks, Constitution!) But CAN YOU NOT. Every time there is an a current eventNay, an article about a current event—people think they have all the fucking answers and embark on long ass speeches like they're running for office. I should never have to click "See More," people!

And then everyone takes it as an invitation to comment on the post and spark a debate! No. NOOO. Your poorly researched and extremely one-sided views have their time and place (like, let's say, a blog). Facebook is not the time, nor the place! Thanks.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Woman Crush Wednesday: Dianna Agron

"Every day is an opportunity to fall or hurt yourself."

"I feel as if I go to Africa, I may never come back. I'm just going to live
with the animals and adopt an elephant, and it is going to be my friend."

"Look, we are human. We make mistakes. I will gladly shout from the
rooftops that I am not perfect. Nor will I ever be."

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

20 Things You Didn't Know About Wonder Woman

  1. The man who created Wonder Woman, William Moulton Marston, also created the systolic blood pressure test, the precursor to the modern polygraph. However, it was his wife, Elizabeth, who suggested that the hero, who would triumph not with fist or firepower but love, should be a woman.
  2. Elizabeth served as the inspiration for the character alongside Olive Byrne, who lived with the couple in a polygamous relationship.
  3. Early drafts of Wonder Woman's debut in All Star Comics in 1941 used the name Suprema for the character. Thankfully, it was dropped before going to print.
  4. Initially, the character is an Amazon champion who wins the privilege of leaving Paradise Island and escorting WWII Captain Steve Trevor, whose plane crashed on the island, back to the United States. Later incarnations have Wonder Woman as a clay sculpture brought to life by the Greek God. Both of these origin stories are still used commonly, although the 2011 revamp makes the character a demigoddess and natural-born daughter of Zeus. #SupHercules
  5. Her alter ego is Diana Prince. In the comics, she pays to send a nurse to South American in return for her identity. That's some sketchy shit, WW.
  6. In the 1940s, Wonder Woman briefly fought along side the Justice League Society of America. So impressed with her skills, the JSA offered her to hop aboard full time... As their secretary.
  7. Because of her origin story, Wonder Woman is often pitted against Nazis, but her archenemy is Cheetah.
  8. From the late 60s to early 70s, Wonder Woman gave up her powers in the comics so she could remain in "Man's World" while the other Amazonian women traveled to a different dimension. During this time, she ran a mod boutique.
  9. Wonder Woman's defining characteristic is her non-discriminatory love. Much like Superman, she kills only when left with no other alternative.
  10. Originally, the character's back was fully exposed. However, in response to criticism regarding the amount of violence and nudity in comics, the Comics Code Authority was established in 1954, and Wonder Woman's back was covered up.
  11. Wonder Woman's first appearance on television was on a 1972 episode of the animated series The Brady Kids.
  12. After the success of Batman, there were several failed attempts throughout the 1960s and 70s to create a live-action TV series focusing on the character. Finally, a one-hour special starring Lynda Carter as the superheroine aired on ABC in 1975. A ratings success, two more specials aired the following year, which led to a full pick-up.
  13. Lynda Carter was the one that suggested Diana Prince spin to transform herself into Wonder Woman's costume. 
  14. After one season on ABC, the show moved to CBS, and its 1940s setting was changed to the 1970s. Lyle Waggoner, who played Steve Trevor in the first season, played the character's son in the following seasons. Don't worry, he's the love interest both times...
  15. This Wonder Woman show was never truly canceled. CBS let their option expire without making any decision.
  16. In 2011, NBC attempted to make another live-action series based on the character. A pilot was filmed but the network ultimately opted not to pick it up. Shortly after, a "Wonder Woman origins story" series stalled at the CW.
  17. The French organization AIDES used the character in an awareness campaign for AIDS. The ad shows a disease-stricken Wonder Woman dying in a hospital bed. Concerned the campaign would affect sales, DC Comics ordered AIDES to withdraw it.
  18. A Wonder Woman film has been in development for over 20 years. The character will make her live-action theatrical debut in 2015's Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice, portrayed by Gal Gadot, who is also signed to play the character in a solo film and a Justice League film.
  19. The character made her big screen debut in 2014 in The Lego Movie...
  20. Like all great superheroes, there's a Wonder family, including Wonder Girl, Wonder Boy, and Wonder Man.

Man Crush Monday: Zayn Malik

"I like the term 'misunderstood.' But I'm a bit of a bad boy."

"I'm not one to get involved with what anybody says about me."

"No matter how many times people try to criticize you, the best revenge is
to prove them wrong."

Monday, June 2, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Sirens" by Cher Lloyd

Chery Lloyd is back, bitches!

For those of you who don't know who Cher Lloyd is, flop a little harder. Then join the rest of the pop-literate world and understand that she was a runner up on the British version of The X Factor. (PS being a runner up is waaaay better than winning; case in point: One Direction.)

She made a splash two summers ago with "Want U Back", which you may remember as the song in which she grunts after every line. Well, she's used the time since that song's release to mature and cultivate a refreshingly more adult, but still super fun sound.

Enter "Sirens", a lovely ballad about a taxing love. It's rumored to be about her father. Kind of a downer, but beautiful nonetheless!

Friday, May 30, 2014

Bitch of the Week: Cher Horowitz

Shop til you drop!

She may be a virgin who can't drive, but Cher Horowitz also happens to be an iconic Bitch of the Week.

Just a teenager, Cher has all the weapons and skills most aspiring bitches dream about: she's rich as hell, can manipulate her way out of any situation, and refuses to apologize for who she is. The only thing she lacks is a functioning gaydar, but nobody can have it all!

Cher has her own computer closet program so she doesn't have to go through the demanding regimen of picking out clothes every morning. (She's also the only blonde who can get away with wearing yellow plaid.) Being a bitch never goes out of style!

Even though she's popular by birth, she understands not everyone is that fortunate. That's why she takes Tai under her wing and makes her over. Even though she creates a monster in the process, it's the thought that counts.
  • She's the best friend you could ever want: "This is where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us."
  • She gives the best boy advice: "Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex."
  • She's the future of politics: "And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much."
  • She knows social etiquette: "My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day."
  • She knows how to handle academics: "Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, 'Never accept a first offer,' so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations."
  • She respects herself: "I'm not a prude, I'm just highly selective!"
  • She can throw choice shade: "Do you prefer 'fashion victim' or 'ensembly challenged?'"
Clueless? As if! I think Cher knows exactly what she's doing.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Cunt of the Week: LeAnn Rimes

Haunting you.
Most of us probably only know LeAnn Rimes because she's a homewrecking whore; if that's the case, this article is kind of moot. But she was actually a prolific country-pop singer back in the day. You've probably heard her signature jam "Can't Fight the Moonlight" from the Coyote Ugly soundtrack. If not, oh well. You're not missing much.

What's far more interesting is her juicy personal life, like in 2009, when a very-married LeAnn infamously hooked up with an also very-married Eddie Cibrian on the set of their Lifetime movie. Yeah, that's right. A fucking Lifetime movie. Not only does LeAnn think she's an actress, but she thinks she's entitled to this A-list behavior when the only work she can get is on fucking Lifetime?!

It astounds me that the news broke the way it did. Security footage from a restaurant showed the two canoodling. Who in their right mind would even recognize these two? Kudos to the security guard or whoever is in charge of watching the footage, tbh.

LeAnn has said she regrets that people got hurt by her illicit affair, but she doesn't regret the result. But her inability to cope with the public backlash sent her into rehab. BITCH. If you cannot take the heat, get the fuck out of the unfaithful kitchen!!!

I mean DAMN. At least Angelina Jolie held her own. Jesus Christ.

On the plus side, she got a reality show out of it. Or a sitcom, if you listen to her pitch:
It’s kind of not really scripted. We get to take our lives and expand on it. It’s not a docu-series. We take things that have happened and play up the joke. You definitely get us. To me, it flows back and forth between feeling like a sitcom and feeling like reality, which I think is a little different than most. We really don’t take ourselves seriously in this.
The hero of this story is Brandi Glanville, Eddie's ex-wife, who referred to LeAnn as a "cunt-ry singer" following the affair. Now that's brilliant.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Somethin' Bad" by Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood

Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood are the undisputed queens of country. (Sorry, Taylor. But autotune and dubstep does not a country queen make.) Now, in this current climate of "bro country," it's especially important that Miranda and Carrie hold onto their crowns.

And what better way to do that than by teaming up? The blonde powerhouses debuted their new duet, "Somethin' Bad", last night at the Billboard Music Awards. The Thelma & Louise-themed anthem celebrates the shenanigans two women can get into.

Once you look past the fact that old maid Miranda and girl next door Carrie are trying way too hard to be cool, the song is quite fun, so enjoy!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Jam of the Week: "First Love" by Jennifer Lopez

JLo is back! After a few false starts to her next album, Jennifer Lopez has released "First Love" and it's a jam to end all jams. It's very reminiscent of some of her past hits, namely "If You Had My Love" and "My Love Don't Cost a Thing".

...Aaaaaaaand it DOESN'T feature Pitbull. Can you believe it? Listen and hear for yourself!

Monday, May 12, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Love Never Felt So Good" by Michael Jackson & Justin Timberlake

It always feels a bit iffy when record labels release an artist's music posthumously. How can we possibly accept material that the singer deemed subpar or incomplete when they're no longer around to have a say?

Thankfully, Michael Jackson's "Love Never Felt So Good" feels like the kind of song he would have released himself. Originally recorded in 1983, the remastered track was released this month as a duet with Justin Timberlake.

The disco jam perfectly frames both Michael and Justin's musical styles, and the song feels like a passing of the baton from the former King of Pop to the current.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Woman Crush Wednesday: Selena Gomez

"The day I got my first letter from a fan, I felt like I'd been touched
by an angel."

"This is a very superficial job. I sit in a chair for two hours and get hair and
makeup done and talk about myself in interviews. That's a very vain thing to
do, and I do get caught up in it sometimes.

"If you have three people in your life you can trust, you can consider yourself
the luckiest person in the whole world."

Monday, May 5, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Till I Find You" by Austin Mahone

"Till I Find You" marks Austin Mahone's third Jam of the Week, and it is well deserved! The song continues Austin's efforts to revive the blissful nostalgia of the Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, and other boy bands from our childhoods.

I've said it once and I'll say it again: Austin is what Justin Bieber very easily could have been. But let's allow the Biebs to do his thing and Austin can give us our guilty pleasure fix!

Man Crush Monday: Andrew Garfield

"That freaking dreamboat...I think I'm more attracted to Ryan Gosling than any
woman could ever be. I think about him so often. I'm not joking!"

"I feel incredibly awkward as a human being and incredibly
teenaged still."

"I hope that I'm always struggling, really. You develop when you're
struggling. When you're struggling, you get stronger."

Sunday, May 4, 2014

This County Cover of Kesha's "Blind" Will Give You Life

 Lydia Loveless has released a countrified cover of Kesha's "Blind". The song has always been one of my favorites by Kesha, but it's easy to overlook the great lyrics and vulnerability in the original, autotuned version of the ballad. Lydia's cover does Kesha's songwriting more justice.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Problem" by Ariana Grande & Iggy Azalea

It's true that Ariana Grande just had a Jam of the Week, but her new single is too delish not to share. The Mariah-in-training teamed up with Iggy Azalea, my new favorite female rapper, for "Problem".

If you can imagine, it's kind of the female response to Jay-Z's "99 Problems", and it's all set to 90s R&B saxophone blares, as is the standard with Ariana's music.

Still can't believe this girl is on Nickelodeon...

Friday, April 25, 2014

Bitch of the Week: Lord Disick

The Kardashians have created a long line of bitches, and while they can't all be winners, it's important we celebrate bitchery in its purest form. Enter Lord Disick.

For those of you who live under a rock or think you're above the Kardashians (hint: you're not), Scott Disick is the longtime boyfriend and baby daddy to Kourtney Kardashian. Sassy to the bone, Scott is the only Bitch of the Week to be minted with a bitching title. While on a trip to London, he was deemed Lord Disick, and the rest is history.

Of course, I'll acknowledge the fact that Scott was boring when Keeping Up with the Kardashians first started. He was just the trashy white boyfriend of the (at the time) most boring sister in the family. But as fame took off, Scott took note and realized he was a true star. Whether it was an alcoholic bender in Vegas or the temptations of another woman, Scott really knew how to keep the cameras on him.

Now I don't condone that behavior. But through the fire, a bitch is formed. Once he got past his rebellious phase, Scott found a happy medium between being a good father, loving "hubby," and sassy bitch. We can always count on him to have a witty back-and-forth with Khloé, point out the clue that Kim clearly doesn't have, and play a prank or two on Kris.

And then there's those one-liners! I.E...
  • "Isn't it funny to think that, like, little old grandmas that can barely walk could have been, like, real big whores at one time?"
  • "I'll tell you who hates you: I fucking hate you! With a passion."
  • On the potential leaking of Kourtney's nude photos: "That was before your boob job. Is that why you're mad?"
  • "I love Kim but she's, like, the most boring person ever."
  • "You don't respect my religion. I don't respect your outfit."
  • "You look like a little Colombian drug lord's wife. And I like that."
  • "I'm a big star. I don't need to be dealing with you peasants."
  • "Lord Disick, bitch."

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Cunt of the Week: Kate Gosselin

Nobody's copying that hairstyle.

The name Kate Gosselin carries such a vile connotation, one that inspires people to light torches and camp out on this woman's front lawn. And for good reason. As you know, Kate became famous for having children and letting reality TV cameras film her as she belittled said children and emasculated husband Jon, who was usually seen wearing Ed Hardy shit, on Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

It wasn't long before America realized what a cunt Kate was. Sure, being a mother to eight children must be challenging, but there's no need to be a 'round-the-clock uptight bitch. Jon soon cheated on Kate (he's a cunt himself). Naturally, Kate booted him from the show, and it became Kate Plus Eight. And then Twist of Kate. And then Dancing With the Stars. And then Celebrity Wife Swap. Yeah, she did all of these, all the while verbally abusing her children and sleeping with her body guard.

So what do we hate about Kate? Well, there was the time behind-the-scenes footage of her Today interview revealed that she guzzled away on water while denying her thirsty children the same. "I haven't had a drink all day!" her daughter cried. Kate's response: "Neither have I!"

That was in 2009. More recently, in January, Kate forced her eldest children to do a televised interview they clearly had no interest in doing. When they clammed up, she got frustrated. "Words!" she barked at them.

There was the time when cameras followed her to Sarah Palin's house in Alaska and Kate cried because it was raining and she did not want to eat caribou. And lest we forget, she regularly appears on morning talk shows to condemn Jon for being a "mediocre" parent, even though he's not the one dragging his kids out in front of cameras every minute.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Honeymoon Avenue" by Ariana Grande

She might still be a Nickelodeon star, but Ariana Grande has a serious set of pipes and has been churning out some epic jams. "Honeymoon Avenue", off her debut album, is no exception.

The song is an extended car ride metaphor for the problems in a relationship. Ariana feels like her "heart is stuck in bumper to bumper traffic" and that she and her beau are "going the wrong way home." All girlfriend wants is to get back on Honeymoon Avenue.

Even if you don't like the analogy, you'll love how she sings it. Promise!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Woman Crush Wednesday: Carrie Underwood

"I'm glad I can present a polished version of myself when it counts."

"If anything can be said to make an awkward moment even worse, I'm going
to say it."

"Above all, God wanted us to love others. It's not about setting rules, or [saying]
'everyone has to be like me'. No. We're all different. That's what makes us special.
We have to love each other and get on with each other. It's not up to me to
judge anybody."

Monday, April 14, 2014

Jam of the Week: "West Coast" by Lana Del Rey

Lana Del Rey has just dropped "West Coast", the lead singer from her upcoming album, Ultraviolence, and it's quite a departure from her usual work.

Lana has traded in her sweeping cinematic instrumentals for a softer 70s rock vibe and swapped her baby-talk coos for woozy vocals reminiscent of Stevie Nicks. In fact, if it weren't for her signature crooning, it would be difficult to tell this is Lana at all! (The song was produced by The Black Keys’ Dan Auerbach, and it shows.)

While the song is admittedly a disappointment after months of anticipation, "West Coast" is a smart mix of what makes Lana special and a new taste to ensure her longevity as an artist. But don't take my word for it. Listen for yourself above!

"Down on the West Coast, they got a saying..."

Man Crush Monday: Theo James

"We’re in a world where masculinity, especially with these big spectacle movies,
is often pushed by rippling six packs and forcing an image down someone’s throat
trying to prove masculinity. Whereas I think true masculinity comes from having
a strong sense of self."

"In Britain, you do your job. When you do an American TV show, there is a sense
of being one with the crew, and there is a leadership element, which was a learning
curve for me because it is very different culturally. In Britain, you just do it, leave
and say, 'Thanks."

"Today there are great shows like Looking, poignant pieces of work that revolve
around a central cast of characters that happen to be gay. But I remember when
Queer as Folk came out and thinking, Things are changing. Maybe there will be
more [shows like this].
And then suddenly there was a drought.
Hopefully the day [we have a gay action hero] isn’t far away."

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Selena Gomez's Disney Days Might Be Behind Her; Here's What the Singer Should Do Next

While Selena Gomez's time as a Wizard of Waverly Place has been done for quite some time, the singer is still tied to Disney in one major way: her record label is Hollywood Records, which, as we all know, is owned by the Mouse House.

But that could all change. Sources "close" to the star report that Selena's contract with Hollywood Records is up at the end of this year, and she's seriously shopping around for a new label. (By the way, this comes on the heels of reports that she has fired her parents as her managers.)

This leaves a sour taste in my mouth. While it's always important for artists to grow, most artists are smart enough to stay loyal to the labels that made them stars unless there are major creative issues. By all accounts, Hollywood Records has always let Selena do what she wants, and Stars Dance proves her label is hardly holding her back from the sexed-up image she seems to desperate to obtain.

So the first thing Selena should do in her post-Disney music career is go back to Disney. Hollywood Records spares to expense in promoting its most popular artists, whereas most other labels have habits of letting even the biggest names slip through the crack. (Avril Lavigne, Shakira, and Colbie Caillat say hi.)

The second thing she needs to do is stop copying other artists. She claims Britney is her biggest influence, records an excessive amount of Katy and Rihanna rejects, and comes off as a J. Lo wannabe. The pop stars who find the most success and longevity are the ones who craft a specific public image for themselves, for better or worse. I love Selena, but there's hardly anything special about her.

Instead of continuing down this road of "tribal" dance music, Selena should record something reminiscent of "Breathless" by the Corrs. The early 2000s jam is so perfectly suited for Selena's voice, it's not even funny.

Finally, the last thing Selena should do with her music career is to make it her only career. No more acting. Thanks!

Monday, April 7, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Old Flames Can't Hold a Candle to You" by Kesha

In celebration of Kesha completing rehab, I'm dedicating Jam of the Week to one of the singer's lesser known songs. Kesha, who has officially dropped the dollar sign from her stage name, recorded a cover of Dolly Parton's "Old Flames Can't Hold a Candle to You" for her Deconstructed EP that was released last year.

The EP was only available through her official website and features acoustic, deconstructed performances of several of her songs. So why include a Dolly Parton cover? Well, Kesha's mother wrote the song all the way back in 1978. It's a beautiful and timeless song!

If you think Kesha is just an autotuned boozehound, I implore you to take a listen to this, because the girl's got talent!

Monday, March 31, 2014

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #15

Thing I Love #15: This Photo of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively in Vancouver

I haven't been shy about my love for RyRey and his lady, and for good reason. They're constantly being adorable and perfect. The two were spotted leaving his mother's dinner party in Vancouver. Look at how chic she is! Look at how flawless he is! I can't.

Thing I Hate #15: Once Upon a Time

Could a fucking grosser show exist? Fairy tales seem like they're at an all-time high in popularity these days, but that's no excuse for this show. I watched the first 20 episodes of ABC's Once Upon a Time before I jumped ship. That shit was ridiculous. And it stars Ginnifer Goodwin, who we all know sucks.

This is the Best Wedding Speech to Ever Happen

Literally flawless.

Jam of the Week: "Me and My Broken Heart" by Rixton

I'm still not sure as to who Rixton is, as the band does not have a Wikipedia article and that's about as far as I'm willing to research, but that doesn't mean they can't claim a Jam of the Week!

Their song "Me and My Broken Heart" hit the radio last week and was offered as iTunes' free song of the week #downloadedit. In the tune, the singer (again, idk/dgaf who it is) seeks some late-night lovin' to "kickstart" him and his broken heart. Musically, it's very reminiscent of Rob Thomas' "Lonely No More" except I personally think it's better. Enjoy!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Bitch of the Week: Lily Allen

Bitching from across the pond.

Since 2006, Lily Allen has been one of the leading bitches in music, so it's no surprise that she's been like that her whole life. Thus, she is more than deserving of Bitch of the Week. Let's break it down into the specifics, shall we?

She Didn't Take Shit as a Child

Lily attended some of the most expensive schools in the UK, and was enrolled in 13 schools in total before she dropped out at age 15. During this time, her father had left the family and Lily discovered her passion for music and opted to pursue it as a career. She worked at a record store and dealt ecstasy to pay the bills. Who needs school anyway!

She Didn't Take Shit from Katy Perry

When Katy Perry hit the scene, she described herself as a "skinnier version" of Lily Allen. Lily retorted by being "frosty:"
I met her I was bit frosty with her because someone asked her to describe herself. She's like, 'Aha, I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinner version of Lily Allen!' It's like, you're not English and you don't write your own songs, shut up!
She Loves Britney

Lily has a strong grasp on the pop music hierarchy, and she knows that Britney sits pretty at the top. She has proven this time and time again:
You can not compare Britney with Lady Gaga. You are putting Lady Gaga at the same level of Britney Spears? I really cannot believe it, Lady GaGa is good, but she’s a new artist, Britney Spears is a legend. They are two different artists, two forms of entertainment but very different, is like comparing Picasso to Dali.
And then again:
Madonna is overrated. I haven't gotten anything against her at all but I don't think anything she's done since the early 80s has really been, like, "wow." She might have meant something once but I don't know many people my age who care. For me, Britney Spears is the queen of pop.
She's Humble

She has a lot of confidence, but she has her own issues and owns up to them. She admitted to taking swipes at other pop stars because of her own insecurities: "I felt like, 'Oh God, I'm short, fat, ugly... And I hate all those people who flaunt their beauty.'"

And She Uses It to Make Killer Songs

"It's hard out here for a bitch."

She's Funny

Her song "Alfie", which is about her brother, Game of Thrones star Alfie Allen, is a playful account of his pot habit. "Fuck You" is an open letter to George W. Bush. Her upcoming is titled Sheezus.

Thank you, Lily Allen, for your candor and delightful music. Hopefully the US lifts its ban and you can perform stateside again!