Wednesday, January 29, 2014

*Disney Week* Cunt of the Week: Jessie

Oh my god.

As far as I'm concerned, the Toy Story franchise has a pretty spotless track record. Sure they've made a few mistakes (the animated Buzz Lightyear series comes to mind), but can't we just overlook the few bad things and focus on all the good?

The answer is no, not as long as Jessie's around. In case it somehow slipped your mind, Jessie was introduced in the second film as a rare doll modeled after the cowgirl character from Woody's Roundup, some track-as-hell black and white TV show with puppets. That shit got canceled after the space race, and all its merchandise became super rare. So when toy collector Creepy Al had the chance, he stole Woody and completed his Roundup collection.

Woody meets Jessie, Bullseye the horse, and Stinky Pete the Prospector, and they're all excited to be packed up and sold to some museum in Japan. Woody tries to escape and return home to his beloved Andy, but Jessie, in her infinite selfishness, decides to unload all her personal bullshit on him against the backdrop of a Sarah McLachlan song.

A bunch of other stuff happens, and before you know it, Woody is back with Andy, and Jessie and Bullseye have joined the fold. Feeling love for the first time in forever, Jessie morphs from a nuisance to a tried-and-true cunt. How so? Well, let me explain.

Firstly, she has to remind everyone about her tragic backstory every fucking chance she gets. We get it! You were abandoned by your original owner, but that doesn't give you the write to be a claustrophobic bitch. Take your panic attacks elsewhere, cowgirl.

Secondly, there's just the simple fact that she's annoying. She's always hootin' and hollerin', and not in a fun way. She's just so fucking loud. It's like, chill the fuck out. You're giving everyone a migraine and making it really difficult to enjoy the movie.

Thirdly, she thinks she can just swoop in and be the alpha bitch of Andy's toy collection. Because she's such a fucking camera hog, other female characters like our beloved Bo Peep get the boot by the third movie. It's fine if Woody's heartbroken about losing the love of his life as long as Jessie has Buzz. Because we know it's all about Jessie!

Despite Jessie dolls allegedly being one of the hottest toys of the 1999 holiday season, I think a lot of the population is on my side with this one. Every time I go to Disneyland and Jessie is out for meet and greets, her line is nearly non-existent. (You'd think that would alert Disney to the fact that they could swap her out for a better character, but they seem to be pretty fucking clueless when it comes to meet and greets. But that's a story for another time.)

So as we head full speed into more Toy Story television specials and maybe even a fourth movie, let's not let Jessie ruin our viewing experiences. Just say to yourself, What a cunt!, and move on happily.

1 comment:

Taylor said...

She's looks so creepy at Disneyland too without a neck and all!