Tuesday, January 28, 2014

*Disney Week* Tommy Picks Disney Princess Stories as Sung by Contemporary Pop Stars

You know that moment when you're driving in your car, blasting the radio and singing a song you've heard a million times before, and then BAM! It hits you. This is what *insert Disney Princess here* would sing if she were, like, a modern pop star.

Okay, maybe you don't know that feeling. But I sure do! And so I've decided to share that with you. Allow me to present to you the story of 13 Disney Princesses as sung by 13 contemporary pop stars.

Snow White: "Poison" by Nicole Scherzinger

Snow White may pass for fairest of them all in her land, but I'm not about to reward this squeaky bitch with a song about her alleged beauty. Instead, I'll celebrate her near death via poison apple!

In "Poison", former Pussycat Doll Nicole Scherzinger warns her man about her toxicity. "Got venom dripping from my lips/Know who you're about to kiss/Think that you can handle it, boy, it's on," she sings. If only the Prince adhered to this warning and left Snow for the birds.

Cinderella: "Midnight Memories" by One Direction

The ultimate poser, Cinderella finds that her magical night at the ball only lasts until the clock strikes midnight, when she's reduced to her ash-covered rags. But until then, she lives in the now, and nobody savors the moment better than One Direction.

In "Midnight Memories", the boys sing, "Midnight memories, oh/Baby you and me/Stumbling in the street, singing." Isn't that basically what Cindy and Prince Charming are doing? Acting a damn fool with their false, lust-induced sense of invincibility. Well tick, tock! Here's midnight, bitch.

Aurora: "Don't Wake Me Up" by Chris Brown

Yeah, yeah. We all know Sleeping Beauty loves to sleep, so of course "Don't Wake Me Up" by Chris Beat-Her-Down makes sense. But are we forgetting that she doesn't meet Prince Phillip in the forest, but rather in her dreams? (Well, actually she meets him when she's fresh out of the womb, but that's just a technicality.)

In the club-ready jam, Chris sings about a love that's so good, it must just be in his dreams. In fact, at the very beginning, he says, "Dearly beloved, if this love only exists in my dreams...don't wake me up." Aurora probably had similar sentiments before Merryweather barged in at the crack of dawn to boss her around.

Ariel: "Roar" by Katy Perry

Imagine going a lifetime three days without your voice, and in that time, you have to convince the man of your dreams that you're the girl (or guy, I don't judge) for him. And if you fail, your ass is grass. Ariel finds herself facing this very same predicament in The Little Mermaid.

I hardly need to even cite any lyrics from Katy Perry's "Roar", as you could probably turn on the radio right now and hear it. So you'd agree that Ariel can totally relate to seizing the opportunity to use her voice and take back her destiny.

Belle: "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera

Accusations of bestiality aside, Belle is renowned for her ability to look past appearances. An outcast herself, she knows how words can hurt, so she loves the person you are on the inside.
In "Beautiful", Christina Aguilera overcomes her own haters before assuring the listener that, "You are beautiful no matter what they say/Words can't bring you down....oh no." So Gaston, you can swerve. #kthanksbye

Jasmine: "Castle Walls" by T.I. & Christina Aguilera*

For whatever reason, Jasmine is over being a princess and yearns for a life beyond the palace walls. In probably the most literal entry in the list, T.I. and Christina Aguilera's duet "Castle Walls" is all about wanting more than a life of material excess. "Everyone thinks that I have it all/But it's so empty living behind these castle walls." I think Jasmine would agree!

* = I know, I'm annoyed Christina made the list twice, too.

Pocahontas: "Royals" by Lorde

Sure, she's royalty as far as the Native Americans are concerned, but Pocahontas isn't exacting rolling in dough; in fact, the only thing she rolls in are the richest all around her, aka dirt. She teaches John Smith a great lesson, but girlfriend isn't exactly living the luxurious life.

You know who else isn't? Lorde, who is so fucking over society's obsession with being wealthy, so she wrote a song about wanting to be rich. Again, I won't bother citing any specific lyrics, because this song hasn't gone anywhere since it took over the radio this summer.

Mulan: "If I Were a Boy" by Beyoncé

One of Mulan's favorite pastimes is masquerading as a man. Once again, I don't judge. And while she initially does it to save her father's life, she definitely seems to be enjoying it more than she lets on. Through this cross-dressing, Mulan experiences sexism and the gender double standard firsthand.

Thankfully, Beyoncé wrote a whole song about that! In "If I Were a Boy", she vows that if she ever swapped genders, she would be a decent man who knows how to treat a lady: "If I were a boy/I think I could understand/How it feels to love a girl/I swear I’d be a better man." It's no "I'll Make a Man Out of You", but it'll do.

Tiana: "Work Bitch" by Britney Spears

Through her amphibian misadventures, Tiana learns the value of hard work, and that you won't get what you want, whether it be a man or your own restaurant, by wishing on a star. (Sorry, Charlotte.) If there's any pop star who embodies this philosophy, it's the legendary Miss Britney Spears. "You want a hot body? You want a Bugatti? You want a Maserati? You better work, bitch!"

Rapunzel: "Whip My Hair" by Willow Smith

Tangled may end with Rapunzel chopping off her long magical golden locks in favor of a gross brunette pixie cut, but there's no denying that bitch had hella fun whipping her hair all about. Rapunzel's weave got her out of many a jam, so it's only appropriate she get paired with the jam about hair. "I whip my hair back and forth," Willow Smith sings about 14 million times in her one and only hit, "Whip My Hair". Keep on whipping, girl!
Merida: "Mama" by the Spice Girls

Merida may not need a man by her side, but she sure as hell needs her mother. Or at least that's the one message I took away from the shitfest known as Brave. After refusing to abide the laws of the land, Merida turns her mother into a bear, which somehow makes her realize how much she loves her.

Cue "Mama", the Spice Girls' ode to their mothers and all that they've done. "You used to be the enemy and never let me free... I never thought you would become the friend I never had... Mama I love you, mama I care/Mama I love you, mama you're my friend," the five divas coo. Only they never turned their moms into ferocious bears.

Elsa: "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac

Ah, the song that started it all. It was upon relistening to this classic and realizing it wasn't Stevie Nicks, but Elsa singing it, that I came up with the idea for this article. The lyrics "Climbed a mountain and I turned around/And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills" are particularly telling, but the entire song's theme of fear fits perfectly with Elsa's phobia of her powers.

Did you think it was gonna be a Demi song?
Anna: "Slow Down" by Selena Gomez

Through this exercise, I realized just how boring Anna is. True, she's quite entertaining in Frozen, but the fact that it was SO HARD to pick a song for this bitch is evident of her bland personality and nonexistent character arc.

So I went with "Slow Down", Selena Gomez's jam about taking her time in a relationship. If you haven't seen Frozen, kill yourself you wouldn't know that Anna gets engaged to Hans the day she meets him. One thing leads to another and she eventually falls for Kristoff, and she has presumably learned her lesson and takes this shit slow.

Probably not, though.


Taylor said...

I have some new songs to buy!

Anonymous said...

Beyonce sucks azz...overated hoe who uses way too much autotone for her fakeazz