Sunday, February 2, 2014

*Disney Week* Tommy Picks the Top 5 Disney Princes

Disney is just so into its princess franchise, that it's pretty easy to forget about the men behind these women... Figuratively speaking, of course. In November, I selected the Top 5 Disney Princesses to great critical acclaim, so it's only fitting that I rank their leading men as well!

So, ladies and gents, allow me to present to you the top 5 Disney princes (or any romantic interest for a princess).

5. Prince Charming

Apparently in 1950, Disney wasn't into naming half its characters, so Cinderella's leading man was saddled with the name Prince Charming. But did that stop him from being fun and sassy? Absolutely not.

Prince C just wants to live that bachelor lifestyle. And who could blame him? He's drawn attractively and he's rich, so he can pretty much get it in anywhere. But he's under intense familial pressure to marry, so his father throws him a ball to find his bride. But he's so fucking bored with all of those basic bitches, as evidenced by the yawn above.

We all know what happens next. And then Charming decides that his fate, as well as that of the entire kingdom, will rest on whether or not he can find a girl with a specific shoe size. If that's not an FU to daddy, I don't know what is!

4. Kristoff

The least princely prince on this list, Kristoff is fresh on the scene from Frozen, so if you haven't seen it yet, you better recognize. He's a mountain man, and that should be reason enough to keep him on the list. I mean, for a guy who was raised by rock trolls and whose best friend is a reindeer, he turned out pretty good. (And that dummy act he and Sven do - love it!)

Kristoff routinely calls Anna out on her shit. At the same time, even though they're falling in love with each other, Kristoff never makes a move on Anna because he knows she was unceremoniously engaged to Hans. He even braves the Elsa-induced blizzard to get Anna into Hans' embrace so he can save her with true love's kiss. (In retrospect, that was actually pretty risky because you know that they knew they belonged together. But you can't blame a guy for trying to do the right thing!)

3. Aladdin

Aladdin has a lot going for him. Obviously not wealth #streetratproblems. But he has the looks of Prince Eric without the stupidity (seriously, how dumb do you have to be not to recognize Ariel from the time she, um, I don't know, saved your life?!). In fact, Aladdin's pretty smart. He manages to escape the fuzz like all day, erryday. And man can he lie about being a prince.

There's also the fact that he's ethnic, which makes him ten times more intriguing. Now I'm not trying to exoticize ration minorities because that's just disrespectful. But let's just say Aladdin could have gotten any girl. So he set his sights on the best one: a princess.

2. Flynn Rider aka Eugene Fitzherbert

While it's a little unfair that Rapunzel's leading man is CGI and thus has a few more dimensions to work with, but the #2 slot is well deserved. He's a thief, he doesn't sing, and he somehow found that obnoxious long-haired bitch attractive. But that smolder.

So let's rewrite that: He's a thief because he stole my heart; he doesn't sing because the angels do it for him whenever I gaze upon him; and he fell for Rapunzel because he manages to see the best in everyone, even if he himself is a cynic in a witty, charming kind of way. #swoon

1. Prince Phillip

Do you think it's wrong to find cartoon characters attractive? It's a question I've struggled with myself. But there's no denying Prince Phillip is the hottest of all the Disney princes. That's primarily why he tops my list.

But there's also the fact that he's sassy as fuck. And totally independent. We're always celebrating the princess who sticks it to the man, but what about the prince? Phillip refuses to marry Aurora just because he's supposed to. "This is the fourteenth century!" he proclaims, scoffing at the concept of an arranged marriage.

And, hello, who wouldn't want a man who can just join in your forest dance sequences without missing a beat. And don't even get me started on what a badass he is, navigating thorny jungles and slaying dragons and shit. Honestly, does this need any more explanation?

There you have it! I have to admit, some prime princes failed to make the cut. But this is Tommy Time. This is the big leagues. You really have to go big or go home.

1 comment:

Taylor said...

I appreciate that Kristoff made the list! Also Flynn and Philip are two of my favorites. Philip is like the cartoon Ryan Reynolds! However, I am sad Hans didn't make the list... or Anna and Elsa's dad, but I guess he's a king... and dead...