Monday, March 31, 2014

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #15

Thing I Love #15: This Photo of Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively in Vancouver

I haven't been shy about my love for RyRey and his lady, and for good reason. They're constantly being adorable and perfect. The two were spotted leaving his mother's dinner party in Vancouver. Look at how chic she is! Look at how flawless he is! I can't.

Thing I Hate #15: Once Upon a Time

Could a fucking grosser show exist? Fairy tales seem like they're at an all-time high in popularity these days, but that's no excuse for this show. I watched the first 20 episodes of ABC's Once Upon a Time before I jumped ship. That shit was ridiculous. And it stars Ginnifer Goodwin, who we all know sucks.

This is the Best Wedding Speech to Ever Happen

Literally flawless.

Jam of the Week: "Me and My Broken Heart" by Rixton

I'm still not sure as to who Rixton is, as the band does not have a Wikipedia article and that's about as far as I'm willing to research, but that doesn't mean they can't claim a Jam of the Week!

Their song "Me and My Broken Heart" hit the radio last week and was offered as iTunes' free song of the week #downloadedit. In the tune, the singer (again, idk/dgaf who it is) seeks some late-night lovin' to "kickstart" him and his broken heart. Musically, it's very reminiscent of Rob Thomas' "Lonely No More" except I personally think it's better. Enjoy!

Friday, March 28, 2014

Bitch of the Week: Lily Allen

Bitching from across the pond.

Since 2006, Lily Allen has been one of the leading bitches in music, so it's no surprise that she's been like that her whole life. Thus, she is more than deserving of Bitch of the Week. Let's break it down into the specifics, shall we?

She Didn't Take Shit as a Child

Lily attended some of the most expensive schools in the UK, and was enrolled in 13 schools in total before she dropped out at age 15. During this time, her father had left the family and Lily discovered her passion for music and opted to pursue it as a career. She worked at a record store and dealt ecstasy to pay the bills. Who needs school anyway!

She Didn't Take Shit from Katy Perry

When Katy Perry hit the scene, she described herself as a "skinnier version" of Lily Allen. Lily retorted by being "frosty:"
I met her I was bit frosty with her because someone asked her to describe herself. She's like, 'Aha, I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinner version of Lily Allen!' It's like, you're not English and you don't write your own songs, shut up!
She Loves Britney

Lily has a strong grasp on the pop music hierarchy, and she knows that Britney sits pretty at the top. She has proven this time and time again:
You can not compare Britney with Lady Gaga. You are putting Lady Gaga at the same level of Britney Spears? I really cannot believe it, Lady GaGa is good, but she’s a new artist, Britney Spears is a legend. They are two different artists, two forms of entertainment but very different, is like comparing Picasso to Dali.
And then again:
Madonna is overrated. I haven't gotten anything against her at all but I don't think anything she's done since the early 80s has really been, like, "wow." She might have meant something once but I don't know many people my age who care. For me, Britney Spears is the queen of pop.
She's Humble

She has a lot of confidence, but she has her own issues and owns up to them. She admitted to taking swipes at other pop stars because of her own insecurities: "I felt like, 'Oh God, I'm short, fat, ugly... And I hate all those people who flaunt their beauty.'"

And She Uses It to Make Killer Songs

"It's hard out here for a bitch."

She's Funny

Her song "Alfie", which is about her brother, Game of Thrones star Alfie Allen, is a playful account of his pot habit. "Fuck You" is an open letter to George W. Bush. Her upcoming is titled Sheezus.

Thank you, Lily Allen, for your candor and delightful music. Hopefully the US lifts its ban and you can perform stateside again!

Thursday, March 27, 2014

The Kesha/Katy Perry Feud Nobody's Talking About

Just two broke girls tryna make a name for themselves.

There's nothing I love more than a celebrity feud, especially between two pop stars, neither of whom I feel a particular allegiance to, thus allowing myself to enjoy the war without any true emotional investment. So imagine the sheer anger I felt when I stumbled upon evidence that points to a Kesha/Katy Perry feud AND IT'S NEVER BEEN REPORTED ON.

Let's backtrack a little bit, shall we? In 2005, Kesha signed to producer Dr. Luke's record label, but when he became too preoccupied with his own successes. So in the five years between she nabbed the deal and her debut album Animal actually saw the light of day in 2010, Kesha slummed it as a waitress, tried to score deals with other record labels, and became BFFs with Dr. Luke's newest toy, Katy Perry.

Dr. Luke never signed Katy to his label, but he did pen her 2008 smasher "I Kissed a Girl", the first in a long line of collaborations between the two. For the song's music video, Katy featured many of her close friends, including a then-unknown Kesha. In fact, if you watch Katy's 3D concert documentary Part of Me, you'll spot Kesha in a lot of the archive photographers from Katy's pre-fame days. The two spent a lot of time together.

A glitterless Kesha in Katy's "I Kissed a Girl" video.

So what went wrong? Well, while it's never been confirmed, Kesha is rumored to have dated Gym Class Heroes front man Travie McCoy. They even teamed up for the song "Want U Bad", which never saw an official release but has been making the rounds on the Internet for several years now.

Flashforward to 2010, when Kesha revealed on her official website that her song "Kiss N Tell", off her debut Animal, is "about finding out her boyfriend was cheating on her with a famous pop starlet who shall remain nameless."

Flashforward again to later that year, when Katy released her second album Teenage Dream after a split from her longtime beau Travie McCoy, whose crippling drug problem is reportedly the subject of "Circle the Drain".

The fact that there is no credible report to back this up could mean that it's all just a coincidence. After all, with how often the media makes things up, how could it fail to pick up on something so juicy? Still, you don't see these former gal pals hitting the town together anymore, now do you?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Cunt of the Week: Gwyneth Paltrow


In light of her recently announced separation from Coldplay front man Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow takes home the coveted title of Cunt of the Week. But who is Gwyneth Paltrow? Well, that depends on who you ask. To some, she's the Oscar-winning star of the grossly inaccurate Shakespeare in Love. To others, she's the actress who decided in 2011 she was also a singer in Country Strong and a multi-episode arc on Glee. Some people might even know Gwyneth, mother to Apple and Moses, from her prolific career as a food writer.

But the reason for Gwyneth's cuntitude isn't in her career; in fact, she's quite talented (even in the Iron Man films). Nay, it is her very own person that makes her such a raging cunt. She thinks she is the master of the universe and expert on health, beauty, and life in general. Let's take a look at the evidence:
  • "I am African."
  • "I love being. There's so much wisdom in it. You wake up in the morning and you think, 'hey, isn't it great just being?'"
  • "We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you."
  • "I'm really fucking good at my job, and people who are interesting and good know that, and that's all that matters."
  • "I don't really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it's incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you're really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public."
  • "I'm lucky to have these amazing African genes that keep my skin really youthful. But I also visit a wizened Chinese herbalist once a week to get my eyeballs acupunctured."
  • "I was starting to hike up the Red Rocks, and honestly, it was as if I'd heard the rock say: 'You have the answers. You are your teacher.'"
  • "I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup."
  • "I would rather shoot myself than eat a tomato out of season."
  • "I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."
  • "I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year."
  • "I really think that if you can't afford to get quality food, you just shouldn't get it at all."
  • "Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty."
  • "I absolutely believe in plastic surgery as long as it's all-natural."
  • "My favorite midnight snack is cold blini from the fridge with just a suggestion of crème fraîche and a whisper of fines herbes."
  • "When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."
  • "I try to avoid barbecue potato chips."
  • "My grandmother's father was a chicken farmer on Long Island back in the day; so needless to say, chicken soup is in my blood."
  • "I like living here because I don't fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans."
  • "We have great dinner parties [in Europe] at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature. All this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, 'Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you're wearing?' and I thought, I can't stay here. I have to get back to Europe."
  • "Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down."
  • "When my husband and I are going through a rough patch, I like to have Cameron Diaz and Tracy Anderson review videos of our intercourse and give me tips."
  • "It's what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu."
  • "A guru friend of mine once told me, 'You are only held back by your accomplishments.'"
  • "You can call me a lot of things, but you can't call me complacent!"
Poor Cameron Diaz.

Can you really contest any of this?

I rest my case.

Woman Crush Wednesday: Blake Lively

"I had a lot of friends in high school, but I was never the wild party girl.
Never have been, never plan to be!"

"Cheesecake Factory is great. It should have Michelin stars."

"Well, I have a strong sense of myself. That gives me a sense of security, you
know? If I define myself by things that are always changing, like the public's
opinion or what I'm doing, there's no stability in that."

Monday, March 24, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Toxic" by the Unholy Trinity

For Glee's recent 100th episode (can you believe they're only just NOW getting to 100?), the cast performed remixes of their most popular covers. Back in season two, the New Directions pulled out all the stops for a smashing rendition of Britney Spears' "Toxic", and now they've done it again!

This time, the Unholy Trinity (Quinn, Santana, and Brittany) perform an eerie, slinky version of Britney's biggest hit. The song is just as amazing out loud as it is on paper. Get to listening, y'all!

Man Crush Monday: Alexander Skarsgard

"A true artist, in my mind, is willing to fail sometimes, because if you're not brave
enough to say yes and follow your gut, it's never going to be good."
"I'm from Sweden. We don't wear clothes in Sweden."

On how he'd change the world: "I would remove a bunch of idiots and
bring in some honest angels."

Monday, March 17, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Unbroken" by Britney Spears

A Britney Spears track called "Unbroken" leaked onto the internet a few years ago. The song, which was recorded for Femme Fatale, didn't make the cut for the album, and was therefore never mastered. But even in its demo form, it's still as fierce as you'd expect a Britney song to be.

The song is an ode to a lover who's put all of Britney's pieces back together. It's kind of like a fun sequel to "Piece of Me"!

Sunday, March 16, 2014

20 Things You Didn't Know About Heathers

  1. The name Heather is said 90 times in the film.
  2. The character Veronica Sawyer and her childhood friend Betty Finn are named after the Archie comics characters Veronica and Betty, and the Mark Twain characters Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.
  3. Screenwriter Daniel Waters originally wrote Heathers as a three-hour film, envisioning Stanley Kubrick as the director.
  4. Many actors turned down roles in Heathers because of its dark subject matter. For example, Jennifer Connelly rejected the role of Veronica. Justine Bateman was also considered for the lead role, and Drew Barrymore auditioned for a part as well.
  5. Winona Ryder's agent warned her that a film like Heathers would destroy her career. Nevertheless, she was so determined to play Veronica that she underwent a makeover at the Beverly Center shopping mall when casting directors told her she wasn't pretty enough. In 2013, Winona revealed that Heathers briefly damaged her career and even cost her parts in other films until it became more appreciated.
  6. Waters claims to have written Veronica as only slightly more moral than J.D., and credits Ryder's performance for making the character sympathetic.
  7. Brad Pitt auditioned for the role of J.D. but was turned away because he came across as "too nice." Heather Graham was initially cast as Heather McNamara, but her mother wouldn't let her do the film, so she was replaced by Lisanne Falk.
  8. The opening croquet scene was the last to be shot. Lisanne Falk, who plays Heather McNamara, had cut her hair by this time and had to wear a wig.
  9. Christian Slater credits Jack Nicholson as the inspiration for his performance as J.D. He claims to have written Nicholson multiple times asking him to watch the film but received no response.
  10. In the film, the book suicidal students underline before killing themselves is Moby Dick. It was originally going to be The Catcher in the Rye, but the producers could not get clearance.
  11. The same kitchen was used for scenes in both Heather Chandler and Heather Duke's houses, but the colors and lighting were changed so audiences wouldn't notice.
  12. The scene in which the bullies chase the nerds after the funeral and force one of them to say "I like to suck big dicks" was meant to illustrate the cruelty of bullies, according to Walters, but was used as an example of negative portrayals of homosexuals in film in The Celluloid Closet.
  13. The set for Veronica's bedroom was built in the gym of the school they filmed at. That school, interestingly, was not a high school, but John Adams Middle School.
  14. Many corporations did not allow their brands to be used in the film, including 7-Eleven for the convenience store scene and Perrier for the mineral water gag.
  15. Early drafts of the script end with Veronica shooting J.D. and then strapping herself to the bomb and dying in the explosion. Heather McNamara and Betty Finn would then find her suicide note in her locker, and the film would conclude with a prom sequence set in heaven, where everybody drinks the blue concoction used to kill Heather Chandler.
  16. Another proposed ending had Veronica attempting to make amends with Martha, who then pulls out a gun and shoots her in the face before saying, "Fuck you, Heather!" Veronica would then have collapsed to the ground and, while bleeding out, muttered, "My name's not Heather... My name's not Heather."
  17. In most of Europe, the film was released under the title Lethal Attraction in an attempt to capitalize on the successes of Lethal Weapon and Fatal Attraction.
  18. Jeremy Applegate, whose character Peter Dawson prays he will never commit suicide, killed himself in 2000. Kim Walker, who portrayed Heather Chandler and uttered the line, "Did you have a brain tumor for breakfast?" died of a brain tumor in 2001.
  19. The film almost became a TV series twice: first in 2009, when Fox had planned a modernized adaptation, and then in 2012 when Bravo planned a sequel series set 20 years after the film and focusing on the Ashleys, the daughters of the surviving Heathers.
  20. A musical based on the film will open off-Broadway later this month.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Jam of the Week: "#Selfie" by the Chainsmokers

This song should not exist.

This song is everything that is wrong with our generation.

But this song is a jam.

"#Selfie" is a tongue-in-cheek dance track produced by the Chainsmokers. While a club beats drops, an airheaded girl says shit like "Can you guys help me pick a filter?/I don't know if I should go with XX Pro or Valencia/I wanna look tan."

It's frighteningly revealing and has been BLOWING UP the radio. Like no joke. This is legitimately getting radio airplay. And a lot of it!

So please, enjoy if you haven't already. Also, please enjoy the beauty of the Chainsmokers...

They can send me selfies whenever they want.

Sunday, March 9, 2014

Lea Michele is Certainly Loud on Louder

Anyone who expected Lea Michele's debut album to be stylistically triumphant should have known better. The Broadway baby rose to fame belting other people's tunes with her powerhouse voice. She's a vocalist, not a pop star. In that regard, Louder is as much a title as it is a warning label. On this album, the Glee star isn't singing to top 40 fans driving in their cars, she's singing to the back of the theater.

Lea's undeniable vocal chops are double-edged sword. In an industry dominated by female pop stars try to out-weird and out-sex each other, Lea's defining characteristic is her godly voice. But it's also the very thing that shuts her out of her aforementioned target demographic. Still, Louder is exquisite and overall enjoyable.

"Cannonball", the album's opener and lead singer, is easily Louder's strongest track. Written by Sia Furler, the anthemic tune is another entry in the tried-and-true self-empowerment theme that has been blowing up the radio in the past few years. On "Battlefield", the singer employs a rare bout of vocal restraint, proving that she is capable of far more than she shows off on this album.

Not unexpectedly, the album addresses the loss of Cory Monteith several times, most poignantly on "If You Say So." The song, which takes place lyrically seven days after his passing and recalls their last words to each other, embodies the grief, frustration, and depression Lea must have grappled with at the time. "Empty Handed", co-penned by Christina Perri, offers a gentle pathos, with lyrics like, "All I've ever known is how to hide a secret/But I'm tired of going on without believing."

The album suffers from songs like "Burn With You", on which Lea quite literally expresses her willingness to burn in Hell with her lover. "On My Way" is plagued by tired themes of intoxication, with questionable lyrics such as "My heart's too drunk to drive."

As a whole, the album will leave you feel exhausted from her overextended vocals and lack of thematic diversity. Louder is an phenomenal showcase for Lea as a singer, but it lacks the artistry someone with her voice deserves. It might be better to stick to the Glee covers, girl.

Things Tommy Loves and Hates #14


Thing I Love #14: Cryptozoology

For those of you who aren't adventurous to know what cryptozoology, it's the study of hidden animals. Cryptozoologists are the people who hunt down legendary creatures like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, and the Chupacabra. True, it's not regarded as a legitimate science and its study is plagued by hoaxes, but it's so intriguing. We should never stop wondering what's out there!

Thing I Hate #14: Group Projects

Group projects have never been okay because you always find yourself in one of two positions: (1) it's a MAJOR fucking project and your group just sits there with their thumbs up their butts while you do all the heavy lifting; or (2) it's not a big deal but you have one overzealous motherfucker who is on everyone's ass.

And have you ever noticed teachers or professors (that's right, this bullshit continues into college) conveniently choose the most inopportune times and material to assign as group projects, and then make you do all the work yourself when you could really benefit from collaboration. THERE'S NO WINNING.

Monday, March 3, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Power" by Kat Graham

The Vampire Diaries star Kat Graham has been trying to launch her music career for quite some time now, and it's not looking too great. And honestly, I don't know why, because her songs are very good and her voice is amazing!

Her latest single, "Power", is no exception. The pop anthem is all about finding strength in your partner. The builds and drops in this song are to die for. Enjoy!