In light of her recently announced separation from Coldplay front man Chris Martin, Gwyneth Paltrow takes home the coveted title of Cunt of the Week. But who is Gwyneth Paltrow? Well, that depends on who you ask. To some, she's the Oscar-winning star of the grossly inaccurate Shakespeare in Love. To others, she's the actress who decided in 2011 she was also a singer in Country Strong and a multi-episode arc on Glee. Some people might even know Gwyneth, mother to Apple and Moses, from her prolific career as a food writer.
But the reason for Gwyneth's cuntitude isn't in her career; in fact, she's quite talented (even in the Iron Man films). Nay, it is her very own person that makes her such a raging cunt. She thinks she is the master of the universe and expert on health, beauty, and life in general. Let's take a look at the evidence:
- "I am African."
- "I love being. There's so much wisdom in it. You wake up in the morning and you think, 'hey, isn't it great just being?'"
- "We’re human beings and the sun is the sun — how can it be bad for you? I don’t think anything that’s natural can be bad for you."
- "I'm really fucking good at my job, and people who are interesting and good know that, and that's all that matters."
- "I don't really have drunk friends. My friends are kind of adult; they have a drink. But they hold their liquor. I think it's incredibly embarrassing when people are drunk. It just looks so ridiculous. I find it very degrading. I think, ooh, you're really degrading yourself right now, to be this pissed out in public."
- "I'm lucky to have these amazing African genes that keep my skin really youthful. But I also visit a wizened Chinese herbalist once a week to get my eyeballs acupunctured."
- "I was starting to hike up the Red Rocks, and honestly, it was as if I'd heard the rock say: 'You have the answers. You are your teacher.'"
- "I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup."
- "I would rather shoot myself than eat a tomato out of season."
- "I'd rather smoke crack than eat cheese from a tin."
- "I am who I am. I can’t pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year."
- "I really think that if you can't afford to get quality food, you just shouldn't get it at all."
- "Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness is the essence of beauty."
- "I absolutely believe in plastic surgery as long as it's all-natural."
- "My favorite midnight snack is cold blini from the fridge with just a suggestion of crème fraîche and a whisper of fines herbes."
- "When I pass a flowering zucchini plant in a garden, my heart skips a beat."
- "I try to avoid barbecue potato chips."
- "My grandmother's father was a chicken farmer on Long Island back in the day; so needless to say, chicken soup is in my blood."
- "I like living here because I don't fit into the bad side of American psychology. The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans."
- "We have great dinner parties [in Europe] at which everyone sits around talking about politics, history, art and literature. All this peppered with really funny jokes. But back in America, I was at a party and a girl looked at me and said, 'Oh, my God! Are those Juicy jeans that you're wearing?' and I thought, I can't stay here. I have to get back to Europe."
- "Every time I have a bikini wax, Cameron Diaz holds me down."
- "When my husband and I are going through a rough patch, I like to have Cameron Diaz and Tracy Anderson review videos of our intercourse and give me tips."
- "It's what makes life interesting, finding the balance between cigarettes and tofu."
- "A guru friend of mine once told me, 'You are only held back by your accomplishments.'"
- "You can call me a lot of things, but you can't call me complacent!"
Can you really contest any of this?
I rest my case.