Monday, April 28, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Problem" by Ariana Grande & Iggy Azalea

It's true that Ariana Grande just had a Jam of the Week, but her new single is too delish not to share. The Mariah-in-training teamed up with Iggy Azalea, my new favorite female rapper, for "Problem".

If you can imagine, it's kind of the female response to Jay-Z's "99 Problems", and it's all set to 90s R&B saxophone blares, as is the standard with Ariana's music.

Still can't believe this girl is on Nickelodeon...

Friday, April 25, 2014

Bitch of the Week: Lord Disick

The Kardashians have created a long line of bitches, and while they can't all be winners, it's important we celebrate bitchery in its purest form. Enter Lord Disick.

For those of you who live under a rock or think you're above the Kardashians (hint: you're not), Scott Disick is the longtime boyfriend and baby daddy to Kourtney Kardashian. Sassy to the bone, Scott is the only Bitch of the Week to be minted with a bitching title. While on a trip to London, he was deemed Lord Disick, and the rest is history.

Of course, I'll acknowledge the fact that Scott was boring when Keeping Up with the Kardashians first started. He was just the trashy white boyfriend of the (at the time) most boring sister in the family. But as fame took off, Scott took note and realized he was a true star. Whether it was an alcoholic bender in Vegas or the temptations of another woman, Scott really knew how to keep the cameras on him.

Now I don't condone that behavior. But through the fire, a bitch is formed. Once he got past his rebellious phase, Scott found a happy medium between being a good father, loving "hubby," and sassy bitch. We can always count on him to have a witty back-and-forth with Khloé, point out the clue that Kim clearly doesn't have, and play a prank or two on Kris.

And then there's those one-liners! I.E...
  • "Isn't it funny to think that, like, little old grandmas that can barely walk could have been, like, real big whores at one time?"
  • "I'll tell you who hates you: I fucking hate you! With a passion."
  • On the potential leaking of Kourtney's nude photos: "That was before your boob job. Is that why you're mad?"
  • "I love Kim but she's, like, the most boring person ever."
  • "You don't respect my religion. I don't respect your outfit."
  • "You look like a little Colombian drug lord's wife. And I like that."
  • "I'm a big star. I don't need to be dealing with you peasants."
  • "Lord Disick, bitch."

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Cunt of the Week: Kate Gosselin

Nobody's copying that hairstyle.

The name Kate Gosselin carries such a vile connotation, one that inspires people to light torches and camp out on this woman's front lawn. And for good reason. As you know, Kate became famous for having children and letting reality TV cameras film her as she belittled said children and emasculated husband Jon, who was usually seen wearing Ed Hardy shit, on Jon and Kate Plus Eight.

It wasn't long before America realized what a cunt Kate was. Sure, being a mother to eight children must be challenging, but there's no need to be a 'round-the-clock uptight bitch. Jon soon cheated on Kate (he's a cunt himself). Naturally, Kate booted him from the show, and it became Kate Plus Eight. And then Twist of Kate. And then Dancing With the Stars. And then Celebrity Wife Swap. Yeah, she did all of these, all the while verbally abusing her children and sleeping with her body guard.

So what do we hate about Kate? Well, there was the time behind-the-scenes footage of her Today interview revealed that she guzzled away on water while denying her thirsty children the same. "I haven't had a drink all day!" her daughter cried. Kate's response: "Neither have I!"

That was in 2009. More recently, in January, Kate forced her eldest children to do a televised interview they clearly had no interest in doing. When they clammed up, she got frustrated. "Words!" she barked at them.

There was the time when cameras followed her to Sarah Palin's house in Alaska and Kate cried because it was raining and she did not want to eat caribou. And lest we forget, she regularly appears on morning talk shows to condemn Jon for being a "mediocre" parent, even though he's not the one dragging his kids out in front of cameras every minute.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Honeymoon Avenue" by Ariana Grande

She might still be a Nickelodeon star, but Ariana Grande has a serious set of pipes and has been churning out some epic jams. "Honeymoon Avenue", off her debut album, is no exception.

The song is an extended car ride metaphor for the problems in a relationship. Ariana feels like her "heart is stuck in bumper to bumper traffic" and that she and her beau are "going the wrong way home." All girlfriend wants is to get back on Honeymoon Avenue.

Even if you don't like the analogy, you'll love how she sings it. Promise!

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

Woman Crush Wednesday: Carrie Underwood

"I'm glad I can present a polished version of myself when it counts."

"If anything can be said to make an awkward moment even worse, I'm going
to say it."

"Above all, God wanted us to love others. It's not about setting rules, or [saying]
'everyone has to be like me'. No. We're all different. That's what makes us special.
We have to love each other and get on with each other. It's not up to me to
judge anybody."

Monday, April 14, 2014

Jam of the Week: "West Coast" by Lana Del Rey

Lana Del Rey has just dropped "West Coast", the lead singer from her upcoming album, Ultraviolence, and it's quite a departure from her usual work.

Lana has traded in her sweeping cinematic instrumentals for a softer 70s rock vibe and swapped her baby-talk coos for woozy vocals reminiscent of Stevie Nicks. In fact, if it weren't for her signature crooning, it would be difficult to tell this is Lana at all! (The song was produced by The Black Keys’ Dan Auerbach, and it shows.)

While the song is admittedly a disappointment after months of anticipation, "West Coast" is a smart mix of what makes Lana special and a new taste to ensure her longevity as an artist. But don't take my word for it. Listen for yourself above!

"Down on the West Coast, they got a saying..."

Man Crush Monday: Theo James

"We’re in a world where masculinity, especially with these big spectacle movies,
is often pushed by rippling six packs and forcing an image down someone’s throat
trying to prove masculinity. Whereas I think true masculinity comes from having
a strong sense of self."

"In Britain, you do your job. When you do an American TV show, there is a sense
of being one with the crew, and there is a leadership element, which was a learning
curve for me because it is very different culturally. In Britain, you just do it, leave
and say, 'Thanks."

"Today there are great shows like Looking, poignant pieces of work that revolve
around a central cast of characters that happen to be gay. But I remember when
Queer as Folk came out and thinking, Things are changing. Maybe there will be
more [shows like this].
And then suddenly there was a drought.
Hopefully the day [we have a gay action hero] isn’t far away."

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Selena Gomez's Disney Days Might Be Behind Her; Here's What the Singer Should Do Next

While Selena Gomez's time as a Wizard of Waverly Place has been done for quite some time, the singer is still tied to Disney in one major way: her record label is Hollywood Records, which, as we all know, is owned by the Mouse House.

But that could all change. Sources "close" to the star report that Selena's contract with Hollywood Records is up at the end of this year, and she's seriously shopping around for a new label. (By the way, this comes on the heels of reports that she has fired her parents as her managers.)

This leaves a sour taste in my mouth. While it's always important for artists to grow, most artists are smart enough to stay loyal to the labels that made them stars unless there are major creative issues. By all accounts, Hollywood Records has always let Selena do what she wants, and Stars Dance proves her label is hardly holding her back from the sexed-up image she seems to desperate to obtain.

So the first thing Selena should do in her post-Disney music career is go back to Disney. Hollywood Records spares to expense in promoting its most popular artists, whereas most other labels have habits of letting even the biggest names slip through the crack. (Avril Lavigne, Shakira, and Colbie Caillat say hi.)

The second thing she needs to do is stop copying other artists. She claims Britney is her biggest influence, records an excessive amount of Katy and Rihanna rejects, and comes off as a J. Lo wannabe. The pop stars who find the most success and longevity are the ones who craft a specific public image for themselves, for better or worse. I love Selena, but there's hardly anything special about her.

Instead of continuing down this road of "tribal" dance music, Selena should record something reminiscent of "Breathless" by the Corrs. The early 2000s jam is so perfectly suited for Selena's voice, it's not even funny.

Finally, the last thing Selena should do with her music career is to make it her only career. No more acting. Thanks!

Monday, April 7, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Old Flames Can't Hold a Candle to You" by Kesha

In celebration of Kesha completing rehab, I'm dedicating Jam of the Week to one of the singer's lesser known songs. Kesha, who has officially dropped the dollar sign from her stage name, recorded a cover of Dolly Parton's "Old Flames Can't Hold a Candle to You" for her Deconstructed EP that was released last year.

The EP was only available through her official website and features acoustic, deconstructed performances of several of her songs. So why include a Dolly Parton cover? Well, Kesha's mother wrote the song all the way back in 1978. It's a beautiful and timeless song!

If you think Kesha is just an autotuned boozehound, I implore you to take a listen to this, because the girl's got talent!