Friday, May 30, 2014

Bitch of the Week: Cher Horowitz

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She may be a virgin who can't drive, but Cher Horowitz also happens to be an iconic Bitch of the Week.

Just a teenager, Cher has all the weapons and skills most aspiring bitches dream about: she's rich as hell, can manipulate her way out of any situation, and refuses to apologize for who she is. The only thing she lacks is a functioning gaydar, but nobody can have it all!

Cher has her own computer closet program so she doesn't have to go through the demanding regimen of picking out clothes every morning. (She's also the only blonde who can get away with wearing yellow plaid.) Being a bitch never goes out of style!

Even though she's popular by birth, she understands not everyone is that fortunate. That's why she takes Tai under her wing and makes her over. Even though she creates a monster in the process, it's the thought that counts.
  • She's the best friend you could ever want: "This is where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us."
  • She gives the best boy advice: "Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex."
  • She's the future of politics: "And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much."
  • She knows social etiquette: "My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day."
  • She knows how to handle academics: "Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, 'Never accept a first offer,' so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations."
  • She respects herself: "I'm not a prude, I'm just highly selective!"
  • She can throw choice shade: "Do you prefer 'fashion victim' or 'ensembly challenged?'"
Clueless? As if! I think Cher knows exactly what she's doing.

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