Friday, May 30, 2014

Bitch of the Week: Cher Horowitz

Shop til you drop!

She may be a virgin who can't drive, but Cher Horowitz also happens to be an iconic Bitch of the Week.

Just a teenager, Cher has all the weapons and skills most aspiring bitches dream about: she's rich as hell, can manipulate her way out of any situation, and refuses to apologize for who she is. The only thing she lacks is a functioning gaydar, but nobody can have it all!

Cher has her own computer closet program so she doesn't have to go through the demanding regimen of picking out clothes every morning. (She's also the only blonde who can get away with wearing yellow plaid.) Being a bitch never goes out of style!

Even though she's popular by birth, she understands not everyone is that fortunate. That's why she takes Tai under her wing and makes her over. Even though she creates a monster in the process, it's the thought that counts.
  • She's the best friend you could ever want: "This is where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us."
  • She gives the best boy advice: "Sometimes you have to show a little skin. This reminds boys of being naked, and then they think of sex."
  • She's the future of politics: "And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty. Thank you very much."
  • She knows social etiquette: "My birthday is in April and as someone older, can I please give you some advice? It is one thing to spark up a doobie and get laced at parties, but it is quite another to be fried all day."
  • She knows how to handle academics: "Well, some teachers are trying to low-ball me, Daddy. And I know how you say, 'Never accept a first offer,' so I figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations."
  • She respects herself: "I'm not a prude, I'm just highly selective!"
  • She can throw choice shade: "Do you prefer 'fashion victim' or 'ensembly challenged?'"
Clueless? As if! I think Cher knows exactly what she's doing.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Cunt of the Week: LeAnn Rimes

Haunting you.
Most of us probably only know LeAnn Rimes because she's a homewrecking whore; if that's the case, this article is kind of moot. But she was actually a prolific country-pop singer back in the day. You've probably heard her signature jam "Can't Fight the Moonlight" from the Coyote Ugly soundtrack. If not, oh well. You're not missing much.

What's far more interesting is her juicy personal life, like in 2009, when a very-married LeAnn infamously hooked up with an also very-married Eddie Cibrian on the set of their Lifetime movie. Yeah, that's right. A fucking Lifetime movie. Not only does LeAnn think she's an actress, but she thinks she's entitled to this A-list behavior when the only work she can get is on fucking Lifetime?!

It astounds me that the news broke the way it did. Security footage from a restaurant showed the two canoodling. Who in their right mind would even recognize these two? Kudos to the security guard or whoever is in charge of watching the footage, tbh.

LeAnn has said she regrets that people got hurt by her illicit affair, but she doesn't regret the result. But her inability to cope with the public backlash sent her into rehab. BITCH. If you cannot take the heat, get the fuck out of the unfaithful kitchen!!!

I mean DAMN. At least Angelina Jolie held her own. Jesus Christ.

On the plus side, she got a reality show out of it. Or a sitcom, if you listen to her pitch:
It’s kind of not really scripted. We get to take our lives and expand on it. It’s not a docu-series. We take things that have happened and play up the joke. You definitely get us. To me, it flows back and forth between feeling like a sitcom and feeling like reality, which I think is a little different than most. We really don’t take ourselves seriously in this.
The hero of this story is Brandi Glanville, Eddie's ex-wife, who referred to LeAnn as a "cunt-ry singer" following the affair. Now that's brilliant.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Somethin' Bad" by Miranda Lambert & Carrie Underwood


Miranda Lambert and Carrie Underwood are the undisputed queens of country. (Sorry, Taylor. But autotune and dubstep does not a country queen make.) Now, in this current climate of "bro country," it's especially important that Miranda and Carrie hold onto their crowns.

And what better way to do that than by teaming up? The blonde powerhouses debuted their new duet, "Somethin' Bad", last night at the Billboard Music Awards. The Thelma & Louise-themed anthem celebrates the shenanigans two women can get into.

Once you look past the fact that old maid Miranda and girl next door Carrie are trying way too hard to be cool, the song is quite fun, so enjoy!

Monday, May 19, 2014

Jam of the Week: "First Love" by Jennifer Lopez


JLo is back! After a few false starts to her next album, Jennifer Lopez has released "First Love" and it's a jam to end all jams. It's very reminiscent of some of her past hits, namely "If You Had My Love" and "My Love Don't Cost a Thing".

...Aaaaaaaand it DOESN'T feature Pitbull. Can you believe it? Listen and hear for yourself!

Monday, May 12, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Love Never Felt So Good" by Michael Jackson & Justin Timberlake


It always feels a bit iffy when record labels release an artist's music posthumously. How can we possibly accept material that the singer deemed subpar or incomplete when they're no longer around to have a say?

Thankfully, Michael Jackson's "Love Never Felt So Good" feels like the kind of song he would have released himself. Originally recorded in 1983, the remastered track was released this month as a duet with Justin Timberlake.

The disco jam perfectly frames both Michael and Justin's musical styles, and the song feels like a passing of the baton from the former King of Pop to the current.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Woman Crush Wednesday: Selena Gomez

"The day I got my first letter from a fan, I felt like I'd been touched
by an angel."

"This is a very superficial job. I sit in a chair for two hours and get hair and
makeup done and talk about myself in interviews. That's a very vain thing to
do, and I do get caught up in it sometimes.

"If you have three people in your life you can trust, you can consider yourself
the luckiest person in the whole world."

Monday, May 5, 2014

Jam of the Week: "Till I Find You" by Austin Mahone


"Till I Find You" marks Austin Mahone's third Jam of the Week, and it is well deserved! The song continues Austin's efforts to revive the blissful nostalgia of the Backstreet Boys, 'N Sync, and other boy bands from our childhoods.

I've said it once and I'll say it again: Austin is what Justin Bieber very easily could have been. But let's allow the Biebs to do his thing and Austin can give us our guilty pleasure fix!

Man Crush Monday: Andrew Garfield

"That freaking dreamboat...I think I'm more attracted to Ryan Gosling than any
woman could ever be. I think about him so often. I'm not joking!"

"I feel incredibly awkward as a human being and incredibly
teenaged still."

"I hope that I'm always struggling, really. You develop when you're
struggling. When you're struggling, you get stronger."

Sunday, May 4, 2014

This County Cover of Kesha's "Blind" Will Give You Life


 Lydia Loveless has released a countrified cover of Kesha's "Blind". The song has always been one of my favorites by Kesha, but it's easy to overlook the great lyrics and vulnerability in the original, autotuned version of the ballad. Lydia's cover does Kesha's songwriting more justice.